Narcissistic Abuse / Ptsd Is Killing Me

[Deleted member 35429]

What a perfect example of psychopathic abuse. Your responses and feelings are all text book for someone getting entrenched with a psychopath.

They leave such ever lasting emotional trauma and internal turmoil. You have been extremely manipulated and nearly brainwashed.

I've been in this situation but it was different. I was a teenage female and he was a violent psychopath. The manipulation and feelings of love and devotion you describe were all the same though. I would have given him the blood out of my body if he asked. I would have killed for him.
These sick people find kind, devoted, loving people to manipulate into the ground. They don't care if there is nothing left of you in the end. That is actually their goal. They don't really love you, they are pretending to love you in order to suck the life out of you by manipulating your heart.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You will get through this and find true love. Find a therapist and stick with it for the long haul. It will take some time to unwind all this damage.

 

[Revampjacob]

What a perfect example of psychopathic abuse. Your responses and feelings are all text book for someone g...

I am a strong man. I am a brilliant man that built two business simultaneously, working myself to death, to try and give what that evil woman wanted. I so regret after she left me (a fact she entirely denies - I "ran off with a whore") I fell for another woman who just gaslighted me and wanted money and career. I am sure she was attracted to me but I saw the warning signs and was so determined to believe it was true love...

Now I don't believe in myself at all.

How did you recover?

 

[Revampjacob]

I am a strong man. I am a brilliant man that built two business simultaneously, working myself to d...

I feel really guilty because I snapped into a flashback when she threatened to throw me out of the apartment (the previous one did this in definable trauma, after I made myself homeless to free up cash for her mortgage) and things got so nasty I hit her. She of course then blamed me for everything. I hate myself for doing that. It's not who I am. I just couldn't cope.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I am a strong man. I am a brilliant man that built two business simultaneously, working myself to d...

I have a endless thoughts on this topic because my own recovery has been about 20 yrs. My position is different than yours because I was so young so my wealth/professional life weren't impacted. I was particularly isolated and was young enough that in the end, after the 'discard phase' of the abuse I was able to completely split this part of me off and deny this ever happened. I didn't trust anyone for about 8 yrs and I just studied and worked and became an absolute perfectionist in everything. I was pretty obsessive with my passions in order to stave off the trauma thoughts.
I managed to "forget" the whole thing and after careful selection got married and developed relationships with others slowly. There were years and years of complete isolation prior to this because I couldn't trust anyone. I too was preyed on immediately after being discarded by the psychopath. For me it was another pretty horrendous sexual assault by a known predator. I swear these people just have a radar for their perfect victims. I completely understand how you could fall in a second trap so quickly.

The point of my story I'm trying to get to is when I had rebuilt my life to utter perfection with money and friends and family and health, I was just crushed by PTSD from the psychopath. It took a while but after a year I realized I wasn't getting better and the symptoms were ruining my life so I found a therapist.
In therapy I swear I nearly hallucinated him changing characters on me over and over and over like a psychopath. It was months of him seeming foreign and switching character. I felt he was a sadist and enjoying watching me relive this. I constantly felt he was going to abandon me but I was desperate to be with him but I was trembling and terrified and dissociated. This went on for 10-11 months. Everyone I mentioned this too kept saying to find a new therapist that is less triggering, but for me I think I was reliving and reenacting the trauma that I had repressed for so long. I have finally been able to sit in the room with him without such intense trauma reliving. I still have a tremor when I'm in session but it's not from an experience of dissociation/derealization. I feel like I'm finally getting through this horrorbut I had to relive it exhaustion before I felt any better.

I do have to say that although my experience with a psychopath involved violence and rape, the emotional manipulation and dismantling of my life and isolation, and then discard with no empathy despite my absolute devotion was worse than any sexual assault. The emotional manipulation you have been through is horrendous. I don't even consider these people human. They are lacking empathy which to me is sub human.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I feel really guilty because I snapped into a flashback when she threatened to throw me out of the...

I should also say, I went on antianxiety meds for 10yrs. I also used sleep aids regularly or else the PTSD would get out of hand. I'm off all meds now and pretty stable. Truly. I believe you will get better quicker than you think once you find a therapist you trust and can stay with you for the long haul. 18months at least. You need to trust someone and let them in. That's where the healing will be.

 

[Revampjacob]

I should also say, I went on antianxiety meds for 10yrs. I also used sleep aids regularly or else the PTS...

I actually have two therapists and see one of them almost every day.
the PTSD just needs to get manageable so I can return to work! screw love. I just want to be able to work again!!!!!