What Does "working On Shame" Really Mean/look Like?

[barefoot]

I've recently come to realise that shame is a really big deal for me - it underpins so much of the context of why I'm in therapy and also seems to trigger a number of defences (e.g. dissociation, avoidance, my voice getting hijacked) in sessions, which creates some challenges.

So, I'm thinking that it's something I should probably work on...!

I know shame is a big thing for lots of people here, so I wondered if anyone had any wise words or suggestions to share. I think my question is really, what does "working on shame" actually look like? What's involved? Is it simply (and although I say simply - I'm not suggesting it's easy!) a matter of talking about the things that feel shameful? In that, talking about it and naming it, somehow removes some of its power...? Or...?

It feels like it's an area of the work I could focus on and that would really benefit me if I could make progress with it...I'm just not sure what that work really means, if that makes sense?

I will discuss with my therapist but would really appreciate any ideas/thoughts from you guys.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Lee2001]

Great questions. I would like to know this as well. It is such an obstacle for so many people so I feel sure there are ways to help!

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm currently exploring this site for the topic of shame:

http://www.acat.me.uk/reformulation.php?issue_id=18&article_id=158

Seemed to me that this author spent a lot of time describing the inner experience of shame and the thought structures that support it, and then didn't give much insight into how to actually do the work on it. I'm hoping to find more answers as I dig through the site.

Also, this chapter was interesting and insightful:

http://www.recoveryonpurpose.com/up... the Therapy Hour Summary and Integration.pdf

Interested to see what others have to say...

 

[barefoot]

Thank you for these links @DogwoodTree - I'm looking forward to reading them.
I definitely feel in research mode at the moment!

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I've recently come to realise that shame is a really big deal for me - it underpins so much of the con...

I can relate. Holding on to shame caused to me hide the truth, and allow for further abuse as an adult. I never told anyone about my abuses, and so never felt close to others as it was so much of my life I felt I needed to hide. I am trying to accept my life in the areas of shame I hold on to. I try to look at it from the perception of seeing a friend instead of myself. I wouldn't perceive another human in a negative light based on their life circumstance, and in fact would most likely look up to them if they were honestly healing it. Shame allowed me to continue to be in abusive situations, and stopped me from experiencing good new ones that I felt I didn't deserve. Overcoming my shame means slowly sharing pieces of my past with safe people who do not react in a negative way. Overcoming my shame is joining a forum with people like me, and finding solutions to my own incorrect perceptions.

 

[barefoot]

Thank you @MyDogsLoveMe
It sounds like you're saying that speaking about shameful things/feelings (not hiding/keeping it secret/keeping it to yourself) and practising self-compassion have both helped you?

My therapist often says I give myself a hard time and encourages more self-compassion. I'm not really sure how to do that. And compassion/self-compassions seems to add to the shame, somehow, whereas I've heard about it being an antidote to shame. So that is a bit confusing...if self-compassion helps to counter shame, how does it feel more shameful...??

 

[DogwoodTree]

And compassion/self-compassions seems to add to the shame

I'm curious. Can you expound on this some?

 

[Suzetig]

Self compassion when I feel shameful means reassuring myself that I'm not in fact shameful but that it's natural for me to have those feelings when I've been told for so long that I am in fact shameful. So, instead of giving myself a row in a "for goodness sake stop feeling so ashamed", I'm more likely to talk gently to myself and accept how I'm feeling at the time while reminding myself the shame doesn't belong to me.

I've found that talking about things I feel shameful about, in the context of a safe relationship e.g. with very close friends or in therapy, helps me feel less shameful because they accept me for who I am. Sometimes it's the hardest thing but if I can get the words out, the shame does shift a bit each time.

 

[Rumors]

I'm curious. Can you expound on this some?

For me sometimes I say "wow that was a really hard situation and you did a great job surviving that.." Then there is another side that says, "wow what a drama queen you are...it wasn't that bad. You are wasting precious time and air thinking about that...your therapist has better things to do than to listen to this.."
That is my struggle sometimes. I am ashamed of myself for demanding self compassion because what I went through, although bad, isn't the worst thing in the world. I mean, I'm still here and I survived. Shouldn't I be grateful and thankful? It's a struggle....
Sorry I didn't mean to hijack the response...I just felt the need to spit that out.

 

[Keming]

My therapists suggests treating oneself to the same compassion that you (me) would extend to others in the same situation. It doesn't curb embarrassment sometimes, but it may help reduce some of the shame / self loathing afterwards.

 

[Friday]

My shame is mostly well earned and highly deserved. When I'm lucky, I get to repeat the same situations with those lessons already well learned. Being able to do things differently? Helps. It doesn't erase it. But it draws a line between what I used to do in the past and what I'm doing now, or what I did after. Makes the past more of a foreign country*. When I'm not lucky those hard lessons never see change in action. Which is harder. Shrug. As I said, though, well earned. In either case falling apart over it just adds to shit. Learning how to move, even when hurting, is often the order of the day.

* "The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there." - LP Hartley

 

[Seasounds]

@DogwoodTree

Seemed to me that this author spent a lot of time describing the inner experience of shame and the thought structures that support it, and then didn't give much insight into how to actually do the work on it. I'm hoping to find more answers as I dig through the site.

I hope you find many threads and/or educational resources dealing with shame on the forum.

Dealing with shame took me sometime until I didn't feel debilitated by it and the accompanying memories.

I found the following to be helpful.

• When I felt shame I would feel and state it aloud. I would express related grief, anger, and tears.
• Then, as compassionate correction, I literally, daily, would go to a mirror, and gently stroke my face while I said, "I'm sorry you are sad", "You did nothing wrong", "I love you", "You are allowed to learn, at your own rate", "You have the right to live , just as you are".
• I wrote out the negative blaming and shaming statements from my head and from my past, then I changed the statements, to their opposite-into positive affirmations, and said them aloud, every day.
• Gradually, I changed my self-talk. Instead of saying or thinking, "I'm so stupid", I would say "You are intelligent", etc.
• I stopped cursing other people with degrading statements. Instead I would say "I don't like what that person did", and "I don't understand why they did that."
• Believing in the mindbody connection, I used various physical modalities to help release shame (therapeutic massage, Therapeutic Touch, acupuncture.
• I did activities to help me use my body differently: The Alexander Technique, yoga, social dance lessons (waltz ,etc)
• Intentionally, I did activities where I would, at my own comfort, 'play' with 'being seen' more. Toastmasters, some acting and improvisation classes, etc.
• Another good move was to let go of friends who, even though they 'said' they were joking, made fun of me, were sarcastic, teasing or out-right mean and/or used shaming or blaming statements at me when they were anger.
• Along those lines, following the guidelines of Non-violent Communication, I changed my speech; I stopped assigning blame to others for my anger and sadness.(you make me sad/angry, etc.)
• Instead, .i started practicing accountability, with the belief that I generate my emotional state my my associations of what people say. Examples, "I feel sad," "I feel angry ...that the window was broken".
• I would have agreements with a friend or two, and my therapist, that I could ask them for re-assurance, when I needed it.

Being patient and kind always helps, when turning around such deep and early beliefs.