What Does "working On Shame" Really Mean/look Like?

[traumaWisdom]

The last few weeks have definitely made me think that I give her so much power in sessions - and I do give it, she doesn't just take it from me.

@barefoot For me, therapy is where I did the hard work and my therapist created a safe place to play out and talk about the stuff that had held me back for so long. If you have that too, then what would it be like talking to her about the power imbalance and how it makes you feel. I think we sometimes forget that it's OUR session - we're paying for it and should be free to talk about anything we feel like. Oh yeah, self compassion is always a good one to go back to too

 

[barefoot]

I think we sometimes forget that it's OUR session

Yes...

I guess it probably is something worth raising with her. So often I pursue one of her suggestions/tangents and fail to bring up what I really wanted to bring up. In the moment, it feels like her suggestion must be more important than what I had in mind, because she's said it, if that makes sense? And I know it doesn't really make sense - I know that if she's flinging out some stuff she's probably just trying to get me talking and if I were to say, "actually, I don't really want to talk about that because I want to talk about x" she would be fine with that and away we'd go. But, in the moment, it does feel like the thing I wanted to talk about must be wrong somehow. But then afterwards I feel very annoyed and frustrated with myself for not saying what I wanted to say and then a very long week stretches ahead until I get to try again at our next appointment.

I don't know why I do that.

Perhaps it is partly about giving her too much power (because she is an authority figure in a way, perhaps?) and partly avoidance on my part...chances are, I will find it hard to bring up and say the thing I want to talk about so disappearing down a rabbit hole is easier (though ultimately it isn't productive and it leaves me feeling very frustrated with myself)

 

[The Albatross]

Agree with the idea of avoidance @barefoot but I think I would reframe this: "it is partly about giving her too much power (because she is an authority figure in a way". For my part when in therapy or counseling, my shrink or counselor was providing me a service and at best was an educated peer for instance and not an authority figure.

 

[barefoot]

my shrink or counselor was providing me a service and at best was an educated peer for instance and not an authority figure.

Yeah...it's surprised me that I wrote that...I don't generally think of her as an authority figure...I think of us much more as equal partners...so I don't know where that has suddenly come from... Yeah...that has surprised me...

I'm wondering whether some of the stuff we've been talking about (old trauma - involving authority figures) has somehow got a bit tangled up in our dynamic? Or something?!

There is also a question mark about our future working together at the moment and I feel like the ball is in her court with that because of my finances. So I guess it might make sense that the relationship feels more unequal at the moment, while things are up in the air p. I feel that she is "in charge" of if/how we move forwards. I am seeing her next week and hope to get some clarity around next steps then.

This doesn't sit comfortably with me. I much prefer an equal footing.

 

[The Albatross]

Could be a bit of both (vulnerability due to financial situation for your ability to continue therapy) and tangling up the work of the therapy with your service provider's role?

 

[VioletButterfly]

"You are allowed to learn, at your own rate", "You have the right to live , just as you are

Being patient and kind always helps, when turning around such deep and early beliefs

Let the perpetrators of the trauma feel the shame, I say.

I stunk at the inner child thing... but I found I could endeavor to "re-parent" and grow a good deal with the idea of using my adult self to bring myself up to speed in areas I was stunted or twisted, or lacked coping skills. I did a lot of "work on shame" - but most of it had to do with using my adult mind to self examine if this was part of my familial dysfunctional role, or something that was really mine to begin with.

Behavioral coping mechanisms are not static/stuck... they can be improved. It is good barefoot that you can see that your way of coping is maybe outmoded. For a couple to a few years I think I called it "a more generally beneficial" thing. Cuz I was trying to stay out of old tapes/past maladaptive patterns and grasp the idea that whatever had happened, what ever my parents couldn't prevent or did... that I was an adult now and could endeavor to make no bigger hash out of it than they did.

Realizing and accepting the concepts/truths embodied within these quotes has been a game-changer for me. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around them and to pull them closer into my heart. They are working at the core belief level in me where I think the shame resides.

So much wonderful information and support! Thank you, @barefoot, for your spot on threads. VB

 

[saraemerald]

This whole shame thread you have started, has been so helpful to me. Thank you

 

[heyheyhey]

I've found therapeutic writing really helpful for me, it's helped me untangle why I feel shame or a lack of self-worth, and helped me to see that I feel subhuman, horrible, less than - when really the people who harmed me were the subhumans. It has helped me re-order and put things in their right place. It's been really helpful, I'm not so much tangled up in a twisted ball of shame and insecurity. I write for at least 20 minutes every couple of days. I used to do it every so often, but writing regularly has really helped. I like that it's simple and free too. I also do some compassion meditation (it's a Buddhist thing), that helps me respond to myself more kindly, and some CBT always helps :).

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I realized over this holiday that the reason I feel shame is that I did things that went against a set core of beliefs/rules that I had in regards to dating/relationships. I wasn't even on a date. An acquaintance that I liked offered to walk me home from a party to "keep me safe." Once we were in my dorm room things turned ugly. Even though I complied out of fear due to force (memories are patchy, I have flash backs, but never know if I should believe them since I blocked so much out) I still feel that I somehow allowed it to happen and must be a horrible person because of that. That happened many years ago and I told no one. In the meantime, most people in my life view me as strong, friendly and lovable. The only people that I feel zero shame around are my children, not sure why.

 

[talon]

I've recently come to realize that shame is a really big deal for me - it underpins so much of the con...

Shame is something we feel because its our fault . It's the blame game with lot's of what if's involved. What if i hadn't walked home that way or what if i hadn't said hello . Shame and guilt walk hand in hand its all our fault. There is no shame in acknowledging what happened but it often takes great courage to talk about it. Do not feel shame or guilt but neither should you see yourself as a victim more a survivor as this is a positive. Yesterday is history tomorrow a mystery all we truly have is today and it's a gift so that's why we call it the present. At this present time tell yourself I will control my life no one else so I will not allow myself to feel shame for my past but rather walk boldly on to a brave new year

 

[VioletButterfly]

Sidebar - @TexCat - sending gentle hugs if that is okay. I'm so very sorry that happened to you.

 

[barefoot]

@heyheyhey I journal but haven't for a while, so perhaps that's something I should get back into. Though posting here also seems to replicate the journaling process for me.

I like that idea of reordering and putting things in their right place. I feel like that would be really helpful for me to do. Just not sure how to do that.