I don't think S realizes the degree of privacy he requires at times is very stressful for me. I'm trying to understand what might be going on in his head to create such an extreme need for privacy and to figure everything out alone. When I hear Sufferers explain what's going on in their head leading them to act in a certain way, it helps me immensely.
I'm also struggling with his difficulty in letting me help him. He's freely admitted he struggles "not to make horrible decisions." A couple of months ago, I read a blog post that was helpful, especially "...they need to regain a sense of control in their lives and if they do what you say they lose that. So even if what you are saying is the right thing, saying it may be the wrong thing." He's asked me "guide him," but he still won't open up or let me show him options he can't see. It's like he puts blinders on when he tries to make important decisions and can only consider the options he initially sees. When I offer, sometimes beg, to show him other, potentially better options he should at least consider, he doesn't want to hear it.
Here's the context. On top of cPTSD, S found out he has cancer about six months ago. We have yet to have a real conversation about it. I know the absolute bare minimum. Initially we went round and round about his unwillingness to tell me his treatment plan or even give me an idea of how long treatment would take. At one point, he told me he'd "never, ever, ever tell me the details" and he hasn't. After researching, in July I told him I was going to assume his treatment would take a year (chemo, surgery in Dec, chemo). I dropped the issue and this has been the time frame I base our discussions around. That seemed to be working until last week. Dec 12 he found out he has an inoperable brain tumor and told me he'd let me know the biopsy results "tomorrow" when he gets them. He still hasn't shared the results, except to say it wasn't what he expected. On the 12th, he also told me the person he's been staying with for the last few months in the Midwest is abandoning him on 12/18 and moving back in with their parents. So cancer, brain tumor, abandoned out-of-state with little money and no transportation, trying to get back to Boston and let's not forget cPTSD.
Given the current state of affairs, it's been difficult for me to find a middle ground. Is he dying? I have no idea. I feel either completely detached and shut down (which is probably my own defense mechanism) or I want to ensure he sees all the options for both getting back to Boston and how to proceed. I don't want to decide for him. I just want to know he's considering all the options. Just having cancer and a brain tumor is enough to make decision making difficult for anyone; how much more so must it be for him adding cPTSD to the mix. I hope gaining a little understanding of what might be going on in his head (obviously from a PTSD perspective) might help me stay detached but eliminate me being shut down due to my feelings of helplessness while I live in this state of not-knowing as to whether he's going to be dying soon or not.
I'm also struggling with his difficulty in letting me help him. He's freely admitted he struggles "not to make horrible decisions." A couple of months ago, I read a blog post that was helpful, especially "...they need to regain a sense of control in their lives and if they do what you say they lose that. So even if what you are saying is the right thing, saying it may be the wrong thing." He's asked me "guide him," but he still won't open up or let me show him options he can't see. It's like he puts blinders on when he tries to make important decisions and can only consider the options he initially sees. When I offer, sometimes beg, to show him other, potentially better options he should at least consider, he doesn't want to hear it.
Here's the context. On top of cPTSD, S found out he has cancer about six months ago. We have yet to have a real conversation about it. I know the absolute bare minimum. Initially we went round and round about his unwillingness to tell me his treatment plan or even give me an idea of how long treatment would take. At one point, he told me he'd "never, ever, ever tell me the details" and he hasn't. After researching, in July I told him I was going to assume his treatment would take a year (chemo, surgery in Dec, chemo). I dropped the issue and this has been the time frame I base our discussions around. That seemed to be working until last week. Dec 12 he found out he has an inoperable brain tumor and told me he'd let me know the biopsy results "tomorrow" when he gets them. He still hasn't shared the results, except to say it wasn't what he expected. On the 12th, he also told me the person he's been staying with for the last few months in the Midwest is abandoning him on 12/18 and moving back in with their parents. So cancer, brain tumor, abandoned out-of-state with little money and no transportation, trying to get back to Boston and let's not forget cPTSD.
Given the current state of affairs, it's been difficult for me to find a middle ground. Is he dying? I have no idea. I feel either completely detached and shut down (which is probably my own defense mechanism) or I want to ensure he sees all the options for both getting back to Boston and how to proceed. I don't want to decide for him. I just want to know he's considering all the options. Just having cancer and a brain tumor is enough to make decision making difficult for anyone; how much more so must it be for him adding cPTSD to the mix. I hope gaining a little understanding of what might be going on in his head (obviously from a PTSD perspective) might help me stay detached but eliminate me being shut down due to my feelings of helplessness while I live in this state of not-knowing as to whether he's going to be dying soon or not.
