Curious... How Long Have You Been In Therapy....

[Eagle3]

It was a slow (snails pace) process of building trust with T. I think the turning point was when I...

Yeah, that's what really got me trusting my T too...I needed to be held, and he did so, for about 20 minutes. I'm still too scared to ask for that again, even though I still need it, but that one experience of someone being willing to break (perceived) boundaries to help me was what I needed to trust again. That's what made me able to break down my own walls and really trust my T. I wish more therapists were trained in the therapeutic use of hugs and touch...so much good can be found there, as well as so much manipulation! More education is definitely needed in that arena...

 

[digger]

How did you voice your needs and what was her response?

Hmm...good question...initially I think it was more accidental! Trial and error from both sides. For a long time I was too fearful of being critical of her to voice anything like that, so I think it was something more organic really - or more about her being perceptive enough to know when things weren't working and trying something different.

Now if something's bothering me about the way we're working or something she's doing, it's still difficult to bring it up, but I will - and sometimes she will change something, or sometimes she will explain why whatever it is is important and we'll reach something we can both work round....that's largely come about through her being incredibly consistent in how she responds to these things though - she will always assert that she would rather know if I'm finding something she is doing, difficult.

I'm trying to think back to when the shift came for me between being able to voice things and not, and I think actually there was quite a lot first talking around the difficulty I have with feeling like I'm criticising people and where some of that comes from.

When I say 'voice' and 'talking' - One of the biggest accommodations she has made is actually in finding ways to work with the mutism that takes over in sessions! Most of my side of the communication is in writing.

Don't know if that answers your question at all?

 

[Muted]

Hmm...good question...initially I think it was more accidental! Trial and error from both sides. For a l...

I have experienced that, but I didn't even know that there was a name for it! In therapy it didn't happen until we did 'parts' work and only a couple different times. It felt so strange. Is it during 'parts' work for you too or is it most of the time?

 

[digger]

I have experienced that

Is it during 'parts' work for you too or is it most of the time?

The mutism? We haven't done 'parts work' as such. I don't have DID, but I do have problems with dissociation, and that is almost certainly a factor in it I think. My T draws on a variety of approaches, one is Transactional Analysis and the mutism I would say comes from being in a Child state.

It is most of the time, but there has been some, very slow, improvement over time. Thankfully my T has been amazingly patient with it, even when I have not! It frustrates the hell out of me! There was a time I couldn't even manage small talk with her, but mostly I can bring myself out of it enough now to manage to close sessions with her verbally, and occasionally I can bring myself out of it during the work part of things to answer questions - that takes a huge amount of effort still though.

 

[ButterflyBean]

I think the turning point was when I took a leap and through heaving crying said I wish she'd hold me...and she did.

@CrowFeather - if you feel comfortable, can you elaborate on this just a little more please? My therapist and I are doing inner child work; we have been for a long time now. There have been moments where I wanted the same thing; just to be held for a few minutes. We talked about it once and both decided that it was an inappropriate boundary for our particular relationship. However every circumstance is different, so I'm wondering what the benefit was for you and why you don't use touch anymore? Did something change? I'm just learning to ask for what I need when dealing with my younger self, so I'm intrigued by your experience.

 

[Crow]

Tough question to answer but I'll try. As @Eagle3 says, I don't think therapists are trained properly in therapeutic touch. My T is extensively. At the time we were doing work with very young parts and I think it was important to understand touch can be safe because it literally had never been before. There was transferrance that came up after identifying her as/with my primary abusers but luckily I was far enough along to recognize what was happening and we worked with it. I will say she refused to give me bear hugs. I asked. She said no so there were hard boundaries.

Why we don't touch anymore? I need the boundaries. I'm learning to say no. I'm learning to build my own space and feeling in control by no contact is where I am at. If I walked in today and requested to be held, she'd do it with little discussion.

Hope that makes sense. Let me know if you need clarification. I'm a little out of it today.

 

[SinkorSwim]

I have had one therapist for about 2 1/2 years. It takes me a long time to trust people. She knew I was hiding more info and was extremely patient with me. For that I am thankful. A couple months ago I was able to finally get out the worst of my Trauma. Right now I am dealing with dissociating and realized I need to go back to 2 week appointments for me to fully work at it.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Tough question to answer but I'll try.

You answered my question perfectly, and if it helps at all, you don't sound out of it. My one other question would be, what is the difference between "bear hugs" and "holding you"? What does that look like, and does being held provide you with some reassurance or? Thanks for being so open!

 

[Crow]

Holding has been me sitting on the couch with her arms around me and me usually sobbing into her shoulder. She'll give "polite" hugs standing but I think the bear hug - where it's a tight full body embrace I guess - crosses her threshold. Thinking about it while I'm writing right now, it may have been my motivation behind the request. I never asked - just respected the boundary though I was mad for a while. I get physically needy at times. Which I think is different than the safe touch stuff. It's all such a murky territory!!! I'm simply thankful that she is so well trained, has such great boundaries and is willing to take chances.