Happy Feelings Causing Anxiety?

[BoN-bOn]

The more aware I become of myself and my thoughts & feelings, the more I am realizing that any emotion that I have (whether positive or negative) manifests itself as anxiety. I'm excited about Christmas morning with my son....& I feel like my brain can't process that. I have been a nervous wreck all day! Shaking, diarrhea, sweats, racing heart, short of breath....It makes total sense that when my adrenaline is on high flow almost all of the time, any kind of excitement or happiness sends me into overload! I realize it's probably been this way most of my life!

I've never allowed myself to FEEL anything because even as a child, I would get in trouble for expressing my feelings. Too excited? I'd get a spanking or punished for being loud or hyper. Sad? I was selfish and never thought about anyone else's feelings but my own...more punishment. Or I was too sensitive and loved to cause drama. Scared? I was being a baby and needed to toughen up. Have an opinion? Nope, that is wrong and only my parents were right. Being too quiet? I must be hiding something or I did something wrong. Angry? Well, that was just a HUGE no-no & would guarantee punishment. I could never win. My entire life I have learned to fear emotions and thoughts, leaving me no other choice but to zone out and become completely numb. In my abusive marriage I would be threatened or beaten if I expressed any thought or opinion that was different from his. It was similar to the way my parents were, but much more violent.

It makes me so sad that I have spent my entire life unable to feel or express myself. Almost like I need to grieve for myself (but then I would feel selfish)! I've never even been able to feel happiness or positive emotions appropriately.

Can anyone else identify with me?

 

[Kome]

Yes!! I'm in the same boat starting about 2 months ago. I notice I get super happy, then slowly devolve into anxiety, punching my pillows, etc.

It's so scary because whenever I get happy I know what's coming.

I think you're right about not being able to feel happy/excited. Like we're conditioned to feel that something bad will happen whenever we do feel that way.

You mentioned you never allowed yourself to feel excited, (and I'm the same) do you also not allow yourself to feel anxious? I feel that I suppress my emotions and that's why they keep occurring. Not sure if that's correct or not, but I'm open to hear your input.

Thanks for sharing! It makes me feel a little bit more sane :)

 

[BoN-bOn]

@Kome I think the anxiety is so uncontrollable at times, that I am unable to suppress it anymore. I think when I was younger I was able to control the anxiety better, but I'm at a breaking point recently where there's nothing I can do at times to control it. I have definitely suppressed emotions all of my life. It almost feels like I've been in a cave & am stepping out into bright sunlight for the first time! Like all of the things I'm starting to FEEL for the first time (whether good or bad) are so intense, I can't even handle it all. I'm overloaded!

 

[Friday]

Until I broke, feelings were a weakness to exploit. Hated it? More. Happy? Crush it. Wanted? Taken away. Protective? Destroy it. And then I broke, and they lost all power over me. Whoopsies. Amateurs. They pushed too hard.

There's a MegRyan KevinKlein movie called French Kiss, that I watched years later... Which just fascinated me. "Happy? Smile! Sad? Frown!" It was like someone gave me the recipe for water, or something. It still periodically baffles me. First I have to allow myself to feel something, and then I have to show it??? In what f*cking universe does that make sense? No universe that's... Wait. This one. Right. f*ck. f*ck me. :facepalm:

I. Do. Not. Like. It.

It's not natural.

I'd far rather walk around naked, thanks.

But I have an ironclad rule: If it scares me? I have to do it ...Eventually.

Until it's my choice. Because walls are only protective, if you're not trapped inside of them. The difference between a fortress, and a prison or a crypt, is who mans the gates. So it's something I set about learning. I still kinda suck at it.

 

[Zippy14]

Anxiety happens over feelings
I can understand that
Yet anxiety is a feeling
I often wonder why I get a lot of anxiety over feelings/ emotions
As hard as it is
I think my nervous system has to learn that feelings are ok now that
I'm no longer a child being punished for how I feel or having to suppress my feelings because of the circumstances
But all I know is anxiety and huge distress over feelings
It's tough and a lot of work to break thru
Learning a new way of being
Feelings are going to happen and I'm tired of anxiety that is so debilitating
And in support groups I have seen people let their feeling And emotions out
It scared me but it was real
I know someday other feelings besides anxiety will become part of me
It's part of the healing journey
May you be at ease with yourself and may there be lightness in your day

 

[Enaila]

@BoN-bOn I can so relate! You put into words what it was like growing up in my family! I recently planned a girl's night out with best friend and was super anxious about it. My therapist finally helped me identify the anxiety as excitement, which is a healthy good kind of anxiety I hadn't allowed myself to feel in the past for the same reasons you shared.

 

[Tinyflame]

I've never allowed myself to FEEL anything because even as a child, I would get in trouble for expressing my feelings. Too excited? I'd get a spanking or punished for being loud or hyper. Sad? I was selfish and never thought about anyone else's feelings but my own...more punishment. Or I was too sensitive and loved to cause drama. Scared? I was being a baby and needed to toughen up. Have an opinion? Nope, that is wrong and only my parents were right. Being too quiet? I must be hiding something or I did something wrong. Angry? Well, that was just a HUGE no-no & would guarantee punishment. I could never win. My entire life I have learned to fear emotions and thoughts, leaving me no other choice but to zone out and become completely numb. In my abusive marriage I would be threatened or beaten if I expressed any thought or opinion that was different from his. It was similar to the way my parents were, but much more violent.

Yes. ^^.

It's so scary because whenever I get happy I know what's coming.

For me, it's 'fear' what's coming.

Until I broke, feelings were a weakness to exploit. Hated it? More. Happy? Crush it. Wanted? Taken away. Protective? Destroy it. And then I broke, and they lost all power over me. Whoopsies. Amateurs. They pushed too hard.

Yes. Odd but freeing when there's nothing to lose. Now though I find that turns what should be of value or safe in to mistrust or temptation to get it over with.

crypt

Interesting analogy.

I don't think for me feelings cause anxiety, so much as I have anxiety anyway. Any (other) anxiety comes from the vulnerability, (lack of-?) wisdom to risk it.

 

[BoN-bOn]

Until I broke, feelings were a weakness to exploit. Hated it? More. Happy? Crush it. Wanted? Taken away....

I feel the same way at times...it's comparable to walking around naked! Feelings leave you exposed!

 

[BoN-bOn]

So good to know that I'm not alone @Zippy14 ! & I've wondered that too about how anxiety IS a feeling. I guess your feelings HAVE to come out one way or another.

 

[BoN-bOn]

@BoN-bOn I can so relate! You put into words what it was like growing up in my famil...

It's really tough when you finally realize as an adult that you were always punished for normal behaviors & your whole life has been affected because of it! Times when I should have been really happy or excited, I've been too afraid!!

 

[leelee]

The ups and downs of cptsd is frustrating. I can definetly relate.

 

[ceruleanblue]

I get anxious when I'm happy about something because I immediately think about the loss of that happiness. For example, if I make a friend and enjoy their company, I begin to obsess about losing that friend and how much that is going to hurt.