Relationship How Long Should I Stay To Show Him I'm Here

[BoulderBex]

Hi -

I'm new here and I am struggling in my relationship. I am not sure how much longer I can stick this out and I need some advice from others who might know what I'm going through.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years, although it has been off and on. He did two tours and Iraq and suffers from PTSD from that, which he recognizes. However, he also had kind of a rough childhood and I really think a lot of his issues come from some traumatic childhood experiences such growing up in violent, rough neighborhood, parents struggling with addiction (alcohol and gambling), etc even more so than the Marines. He does not recognize this.

I don't know how much to go into with our history, but I am now at a point where I am wondering how long I can continue to be there for him and wait for him. He has been to therapy off and on, one therapist he really connected with, and another that didn't which is when he stopped going.

We had a huge fight in August, and I almost left. In fact I did spend the night somewhere else that night. I need to be clear that our fights aren't violent or verbally abusive in any way. He basically just shuts down while I am trying to discuss things to make our relationship better. For instance, in this instance I was expressing how I felt he had pulled drastically away from me and asking how I could know that things would get better - was he going to restart therapy, talk to me about what was going on, etc. All he would say is that he loved me and didn't want me to go.

When I came back the next day, we talked and agreed to a few things to get both of our needs met. He said he was going to read a book I have been asking him read (The 5 Love Languages -if you've read it, I am definitely a physical affection and words of affirmation person - both of these are very difficult for him. , try the support group at the VA instead of individual therapy, and make an effort to touch me at least 3 times a day. I was going to work on giving him more space.

Since that time I have been trying to give more space in all ways that I can. Honestly, I feel like we are living like roommates now. He falls asleep on the couch almost every night, we don't talk about things on any kind of deeper level, and he even refers to food and things that we each buy as "his" and "mine". He is polite and tires to do things for me - I think he is an "acts of service" guy. I really do feel in my heart that he loves me, but he is not capable of doing that in the way I need him to. I think it is so difficult for him to keep himself together, he has nothing left to be there to support me. I am trying so hard to be there for him and show him that I love him in language he can understand. I keep hoping when he feels truly loved and safe, he can open himself up to me again.

Because when started dating he did put himself out there, doing the things that I respond to. He used to tell me I was beautiful, his angel. He used to touch me and hold me all the time. And that is exactly why it is so hard that it is gone now - I know he can do it.

My personal philosophy is that he was able to put it out there earlier, because he wasn't as invested. He could take risks because there wasn't as much at stake. Now he is terrified and has no idea what to do.

But I don't know what to do either. I do need to be in a relationship with someone who can support me emotionally. I haven't brought up the fact that he hasn't done any of the things he promised after our blow out a few months ago. I am scared that the next time we talk about our relationship, he will just end it. He is scared of any talks about our relationship and views any conversation in that vein as a "fight". So, I don't know how to bring it up again. If I should bring it up again. But I feel very lonely in this relationship right now. I don't know if he will ever change and open up to me again.

If anyone has dealt with a similar situation or has any thoughts on my situation, I would love any input or advice.

 

[ldj]

Hi,
Just discovered this forum tonight and happened upon your post by chance.... so much of what you've written could have been my own words! I notice you've only just joined too and that no one has replied yet. I expect you've probably been checking constantly for responses since Monday (I would have been!) and might get your hopes up to see this message - so I'm sorry to disappoint you by saying I don't really have any advice or magic solution or words of wisdom. But I hope you might take comfort just to know that someone else out here can completely empathise with what you're going through and gets what you're saying. That need to offload and share stories is what has brought me here in any case - I'm not expecting to find answers to the problem, just hoping that by venting here to people who will understand what I'm going through, it will help keep me emotionally sane and strong for him!

A brief overview of my story: I've only been with my partner for just over 9 months, but it's been quite a fast-moving relationship (he said I love you on third date, met each other's families after a few weeks, he moved in with me after just 4 months) It's not crazy young love though, he really does feel like my soulmate, as cheesey as that sounds. We're both old enough and wise enough to know who we are and what we want - he's 35, I'm 36. I guess at this age, you don't need too long to know whether someone's right for you or not.

Anyway, things were fine for the first month of living together, but then he started to change. It was a gradual deterioration and I put it down to him being fed up at work, because this was (and still is) a big deal. So I tried to be supportive, but I was constantly walking on eggshells, feeling like everything I said or did annoyed him, never knowing what sort of mood he would be in, feeling like we weren't really communicating anymore, and he was becoming more withdrawn and distant. Intimacy and affection were disappearing. Every time I tried to talk about things and seek reassurance that it was just his job and not also me that he was fed up with, he would offer the briefest of responses but couldn't wait to shut the conversation down. I was tearing my hair out!

So when it finally all came to blows and he nearly punched a guy on a night out (his Dad luckily intervened and got him talking, man to man - he's also ex-army, and he accepted he should seek help because he was showing all the signs of PTSD), it actually felt like a relief to finally be able to give it a label, rather than just thinking I'd fallen in love with a miserable, selfish angry a**hole!! It turns out, he's been depressed since leaving the army 4 years ago (he was medically discharged because of damaging his back and hips - both of which are now healed enough to not hinder him in day to day life, fortunately) But since leaving, he's never really found a new calling in life and I think being forced to leave that soldier family is something he's never dealt with. It took a lot of courage for him to finally admit what he's been suffering, and this was the first step on the road to recovery. So I felt really positive.

But 3 months on, my optimism is waning. It's not that I was expecting him to be cured by now. I'm not that unreasonable and unrealistic! I'm in this for the long slog. But it's just hard work isn't it, to be around someone miserable all the time. I think what I really find difficult is that I don't feel I can help him. He doesn't want to talk to me. He doesn't want my help. I'm a mere civilian, I can't begin to understand what he's been through. I feel shut out and useless. I cook, I clean, I keep the house tidy. But there's no relationship at the moment. We're in separate bedrooms (he wasn't sleeping well), we rarely eat together, the fun and romance of the honeymoon period is a distant memory. I miss his warmth and affection. I miss the person I fell in love with. I felt less lonely than this when I was on my own.

He's been doing all the right things since 'coming out' with PTSD. He's contacted the charity Combat Stress, but his first appointment with a therapist isn't until February. In the mean time, he's been told to go on antidepressants (he wasn't keen, but as a short term fix til Feb agreed it was sensible) He's quit the beer, switched to decaf tea and coffee, isn't spending as much time slumped in front of the tv but going for a walk/run every night instead, getting earlier nights, has taken up golf and enjoys getting his anger out bashing balls at the driving range.... It just a shame nothing involves me!

I hope you have good family and friends around you who can support you. I think the best thing we can do for our partners at the moment is make sure they know we're there for them, but then just get on with our day to day lives as best we can, making sure we're keeping ourselves healthy and happy and busy by seeing friends and doing hobbies. We can't allow them to bring our mood down as well, that won't help! I'm finding this advice difficult to follow though, because my dog has terminal cancer so I'm putting hobbies and the gym and other things on hold a bit while I care for her. Not that I want to think about her end, but when she's gone, bless her, I intend on getting my life back on track, starting my hobbies again (dancing is a big passion) and making sure I'm living life to the full. I'm not ready to give up on this relationship, but I'm mature enough to accept that it's not making me happy at the mo so I just need to ride through this bad patch and hopefully, one day, I'll get the man I love back. I can't put a time limit on how long I'll cope the way things are. And I don't know if we'll have a reparable relationship left by then. But I don't know what else to do!

Sorry for waffling on so long. Should read back through this and edit before posting, but too tired now...

 

[Mytime]

Hi welcome to the forum :) I have been where you are and the first thing to learn is self care. I don't known if he's symptomatic at the moment. Because PTSD is so different for everyone, all I can do is share my experience. I had to learn that I can't fix my husband, I can only support him. The journey is his to take. Is he in therapy?
We lived like roommates for months and in some ways still do. He had a hard time talking face to face. So we started communicating by email. Sometimes it was hard for him to answers, what I thought were simple questions. So emailing gave him time to think. It helped me to go to therapy for myself. we also started marriage Counseling when his stress cup wasn't so full. If you would like to pm me any questions, please do. I have a lot I'd like to say, but having a hard time putting it together. Sending support

 

[BoulderBex]

Thank you for your replies. It is helpful to hear that others are going through the same things.

Unfortunately, things have gotten worse. Last week he got mad at me for cleaning the gutters.Seriously. He was mad because when he saw me pulling the ladder out he said he thought I wouldn't be able to reach and that I shouldn't wear the shoes I was wearing. When I responded that I thought I could and that I was going to at least try, he slammed the door, stormed inside and froze me out for the rest of the day. ( I have to add that I did successfully clean the gutters)

Later that evening, I confronted him about it, asking him why he was acting angry at me. All he could say was that I wouldn't listen to him about the ladder. I got upset, telling that it is unreasonable to be angry with me for not listening to him tell me how to do something (or that I couldn't do something) that I knew I could. I personally think his anger came from two places, one, fear that I was going to hurt myself, and two, guilt and anger at himself because he thought it was a job he should have been doing. But, he can't express himself and so reacted in anger. I was at a breaking point, as I have been thinking about this for some time as I said above. I told him he really needed to go back into therapy. That he needed to learn to deal with his emotions in a healthier way. And I told him I couldn't stay in this relationship if he didn't.

That night he said he wouldn't. We talked the next day and he said he would think about it. He then left town for the last week. It was partly for work, partly to see family, and partly to intentionally give us both some space. We communicated while he was gone, but didn't really talk about the issues. He got back Wednesday night and last night (Thursday) I told him we needed to talk. I brought up the subject of readjusting his medications, and that went OK. I then told him I still needed him to commit to doing something, anything, to work on these things. I brought up the ideas of self-help books, support groups, and online programs if he wasn't open to 1:1 or couples therapy. He just kept saying "I don't know".

I gave him some space and later went upstairs to find him in the spare bedroom. He had moved some of his clothes in there and said he was going to stay in there. When I asked him for how long, he said "I don't know" I asked again if he would be open to alternative ways of addressing the issues and he wouldn't answer. I finally said that I would hold him accountable for one thing - if he wanted to give up, he had to actually say "I'm giving up" He said it. I said if he wanted this to be over, he had to say " I want this to be over". He said it. I said OK and walked out of the room.

This morning, he texted me right after I left the house "I am sorry for last night". I asked if he still meant what he said and he said no, he said it in defense. I told him we needed to be able to talk about things and that I pushed him because something needs to change. Our current cycle isn't working for either of us. I said I really want to do whatever it takes to make this work and his response was "OK".

I know its a long shot that anyone will read this before I get home from work, but I could really use some advice on the conversation that is going to have to happen in a few hours.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, stop and do a stress level check.

What kind of conversation are you going to have with him now? He apologized, admitted he was being defensive and agreed to work on the relationship.

That is a lot of progress for a symptomatic PTSD sufferer. Give him a few days to settle down.

 

[BoulderBex]

Honestly, stop and do a stress level check.

What kind of conversation are you going to have with h...

Thank you, that is good feedback. I guess the part that I had interpreted differently was that his "OK" was an acknowledgement of my statement saying I was willing to do anything it took. I did not take it as an agreement for him to work on the relationship too. If he would have said "me too" that would have made all the difference. I feel like that is the conversation I was referring to that needed to happen. I just need to know if he is agreeing to work on the relationship or if he really has given up.

 

[JM318]

Hi -

I'm new here and I am struggling in my relationship. I am not sure how much longer I can stic...

Your story sounds so much like mine. We've been on and off for the last 3 years. My veteran started therapy at the end of July this year and we broke up again bc he wanted to start therapy alone. He has avoided seeing our mutual friends; he only sees a few of his military buddies and otherwise is at home tinkering in the garage. I am constantly torn at whether or not I should completely forget about him and never reach out again, or if I should chime in every so often just to let him know I'm still there. He's been really cold the few interactions we've had. He feels I throw PTSD in his face and he would like to move forward and forget about his past. I don't feel I throw it in his face, I try to work through things and he always tries to avoid talking about anything. He tells me he's fine, and I feel as if he's not but he doesn't want to let me in. I saw him at his lowest point in July and he told me he feels like he can't trust me with his word, that he doesn't want anyone to know what he's going through and it's no ones business. I assured him that I don't speak about it to anyone accept a few close friends and he was okay with that. He said he doesn't want a relationship with me or with anyone else. I decided to text him on Friday and instead of trying to get answers or talk about anything relationship-wise, I just asked him how his week was and we exchanged a few words, and I wished him a happy weekend. Not sure if I should keep reaching out every once in a while or just completely disappear. I feel as if he loves me (he told me he did the last time we saw each other in person) but he can't handle anything right now and he doesn't want me to see him while he works through all this is therapy. But I know this is a long road. I told him I would love him from afar and I would never give up hope for us. I didn't mean to make this about me... it's actually been a few months since I've posted anything on here.

But I agree, I feel like the more time is invested the more pressure they feel. He also avoids any talks/fights about our relationship, he actually really sucks at communication. There's times we'll lay everything out on the table on what needs to be worked on, but he quickly forgets and gives up. I hope your sufferer gets the help he needs, I think it's best to step out of the picture and stop working on the relationship, so that he can work on himself. That's what we did and it did turn into a break up, but getting the help he needs is more important, even if our paths don't cross again. I've been focusing on myself and enjoying the small things in life. I have to say I am happy in all aspects in my life, but the only thing missing is him.... I have no desire to be with anyone else, for the first time in my life I just want to be alone. I will be thinking of you and hope things get better. Reach out anytime, and take care of yourself.

 

[ldj]

@JM318 "I think it's best to step out of the picture and stop working on the relationship, so that he can work on himself... getting the help he needs is more important, even if our paths don't cross again." Well said. Takes strength to recognise and accept it though, eh?
Gosh these words hit me so hard right now because they ring so true. It's that old ditty isn't it, "if you love someone, set them free" It's so hard to step back and let them walk away, knowing that your love and support isn't wanted, but only seems to make things worse.
I've just found myself in this situation. One week before Christmas, my partner announced he'd got a new job and was moving out and that the relationship was over. He didn't want to continue dragging me down with him, needed to focus on being selfish and sorting himself out. So he's gone. And I feel so completely distraught and empty, because I can't just switch off my feelings and stop loving this guy, but I have to respect his wish for space and no contact. I'm trying to understand it from his point of view, but it's such a pig of an illness to understand. Feel so useless. AND my beloved pooch (my avatar pic on here) has just lost her battle with cancer. So this has turned out to be one blue Christmas.
BUT I'm determined not to wallow in self pity and misery. I'm putting a positive spin on it. After 6 months of nursing my dog and walking on eggshells around my man, I'm now free of responsibility and commitment. I can find myself again, my hobbies, my life. Got to get out there and keep myself busy and happy and healthy. If he wants me back in his life one day, great. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Can't do much about that I guess.
Big sigh.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think, no, I feel, you deserve better @ldj . I am very sorry about your baby. :( :cry: Perhaps in the new year there is a pup out there needing you (& vice versa). Big hugs xox.

 

[ldj]

Thank you @Junebug :hug: xx

 

[Newtoptsd]

Time for you to do you now @ldj ... sending hugs!!

 

[JM318]

@JM318 "I think it's best to step out of the picture and stop working on the relationsh...

I'm so sorry to hear all of that. It's a hard realization that we're not wanted and we can do nothing to help except to walk away. We were separated for 6 months but I don't see that as really "letting go" because we had some contact and mutual friends that brought us together. This time around he is keeping real distance and I have to REALLY find strength to let him go and let whatever is meant to happen take course. All we can do is pray for their sanity and happiness and hope that one day they realize they want to share our lives with us again. Until then we have to take care of ourselves. I was told by a psychic that I am his light house, that he needs me more than I think, and that I must focus on myself to dust the cobwebs off of the light house and continue to be his light. Just remember we are all here for you, for each other, and a year from now things will be much different (hopefully in a positive way) and to embrace it all. Hugs.