A Marriage In Crisis

[bring em all in]

I feel I can’t ask any more of L. than what she does/gives. She does so much as it is, is so overworked, and has physical/emotional issues of her own. Still, I’m going to assert myself in not wanting her to interrupt me when I’m talking. I usually just accept it on the grounds that I’m not worth listening to. When I do object she gets angry or shuts down- throwing me into an emotional flashback of my parents rejecting me. The same also happens when I speak to her and she doesn’t respond because she’s not listening/doesn’t hear me because she’s so focused on her tablet/computer- I stop talking or say never mind and she gets angry and/or goes silent and I fall down the rabbit hole of flashback.

I go straight to my automatic 4F response- fawning. If I fawn, if I grovel, I might be forgiven and get back into someone’s good graces again. Sometimes it works-- sometimes it doesn’t Either way, I hate myself for fawning and groveling.

She’s asked me several times if I am that unhappy, meaning with life in general. The truth is, yes. And I’m that unhappy with our relationship. For the most part we are housemates. I caress her non-sexually/affectionately and try to kiss her like we’re lovers, but she doesn’t seem to have any kind of affection left for me. Is it because she’s too worn out from her own life, or is it because she sees how damaged I am and is turned off? Or has life with me just gotten old and we’ve fallen into a rut after 20 years?

And a rut it is. Weekdays she works from 9 am to around 6 or 7. Looks at her tablet until dinner. Looks at her laptop computer after dinner until I go to bed. Weekends she sleeps most of the day and is on the tablet/ computer most of her time awake. I don’t feel entitled to ask for more attention/interaction than that limited as it is.

We are alone together in the living room- she in her computer world and me watching TV. I learn more from looking at her Facebook page than she reveals to me in person. Other Facebookers must think it odd the “conversations” she and I have via that website, instead of in person.

And I'm sure I am to blame as well. She is frightened by my verbal raging outbursts ("You've got to get that temper under control!" she correctly states), even though none of them are directed at her. and I've never given her reason to fear for her physical safety.

Either way, I don’t see a way out. I won’t leave her. I can’t bring myself to ask for general affection- if someone doesn’t feel like caressing you in a non-sexual manner, asking for it seems pointless. It would hurt too much to be explicitly rejected. If she did comply with my wishes it would be just that- giving me something because I asked, not because she wants to. Definitely a no-win situation.

There’s a line in a Dylan song- “To search for love/that ain’t no more than vanity.” I’m not sure of that- is it wrong/selfish to want love, affection, sex? Do I even feel like I deserve any of that? No.


Maybe if I’m better (more recovered) she’ll want to connect more with me. Maybe not. That’s always been my mindset- if I’m better person, a REAL, worthy, human being, I’ll get something of what I want/need. But I can’t become THIS and so I don’t get THAT.

 

[desiderata310]

So, you seem to love her still. All marriages go through rough patches. Go get couples therapy and get past it. There's nothing here that can't be fixed

 

[Teddy Bear]

I am no counselor by any means, but it sounds like you guys don't communicate at all. Communicate effectively that is. You seem like there is a lot of anger and gnashing back and forth. I'd start by communicating with "I..." statements with a calm voice and then bring up the idea of couples counseling. For example, I feel like you spend more time on your tablet than with me and that makes me feel neglected and longing for your attention and affection.

 

[Gs172003]

I have to agree with the counseling. Does she know you feel this way?

 

[bring em all in]

So, you seem to love her still. All marriages go through rough patches. Go get couples therapy an...

I suggested marriage therapy and she rejected the idea. She just wants me to stick with my individual therapy.

 

[bring em all in]

I am no counselor by any means, but it sounds like you guys don't communicate at all. Communicate ef...

I don't know if she just rejects/overreacts to my statements of what I want or feel or if I'm just so awkward at it that it comes out as an attack on her. Like I said, she's so overwhelmed with work stress, her parents' health, and her own physical and mental health that it seems like she does as much as she can for me but I find it lacking. And then I feel guilty and ashamed for wanting more.

And my childhood programming instilled in me that I should accept what I get and not assert myself for my wants and needs. I was conditioned to believe that when I did so I was literally making my mom physically ill. And then it seemed that she used this to manipulate the family to get what she wanted and to pre-empt anything she didn't want to deal with from any of us, including my dad.

 

[watundah]

What do you want?
Is it possible?
I like to occassionally lay down a challenge of not looking at the phone for a day. Amazimg how much more we interact.
Do you ever go out?
It is too easy to slowly resign to the downward spiral of coexistance. Recovering and maintaining it takes work. Saying one is too busy, too stressed = excuses. Relationship needs to always remain a priority for it to succeed. And You cant do this alone.

 

[boodle]

I don't know if she just rejects/overreacts to my statements of what I want or feel or if I'm j...

@bring em all in
I'm a supporter and find that when I suggested my needs, my partner was quite dismissive and even angry. I have pondered why this happened for quite some time. I tried different ways of saying things or even different times when she was in a different mood. The only time she has successfully heard what I said was when we were having a talk about things after a long shut-out. At that time she was much more open and receptive. Not sure if this will help you but just to let you know its possibly not always how you say it.

 

[bring em all in]

Thanks for the feedback watundah and boodle. Yesterday my wife worked on the bills and got in a frenzy over the fact we have more bills than money to pay them. I fell down the rabbit hole of guilt and shame. I told her I wanted to try to get a job but she pointed out I'm not even taking care of myself right now and I'm still flying into verbal rages over tiny frustrations. I feel so trapped by my condition and helpless. In the midst of all the misery I've caused both of us I just don't feel I can ask for more of anything at this time.

 

[dulcia]

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for affection. Sometimes it's hard for people who don't need or crave affection to understand why someone else might want it. I feel like there is a compromise that could be made there, right? I also think that dedicating time away from technology and focusing on being more present are both things that are important in any relationship, whether there are diagnoses involved or not.

 

[bring em all in]

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for affection. Sometimes it's hard for people who...

But is it really affection if someone does not initiate it on their own? It's like if someone doesn't listen to you. If the person doesn't want to pay attention to what you are saying, is it worth it to ask them to? My wife constantly cuts me off in mid-sentence or doesn't respond to something I've said at all. If she doesn't want to listen, should I try to over-talk her to be heard? Even when she seems to be listening and not interrupting I can sense her chomping at the bit for me to end what I'm saying so she can say what she wants- and oftentimes it isn't about what I was talking about at all.

 

[desiderata310]

But is it really affection if someone does not initiate it on their own? I

Yeah. It is. Is it love if the other person didn't initiate? I mean, could it be that your wife is dealing with her own feelings of rejection/depression/feeling unloved?