Relationship Sufferers Opening Up In The Honeymood Phase

[dulcia]

I've just been reading a few posts from supporters that are in new relationships with someone with PTSD. More than one supporter has mentioned, that within the first few months, their SO has opened up to them about their war/trauma/deeply personal stories and that it has created what seems like a deep connection to both the supporter and the SO. Then, of course, PTSD rears its head.

What I'm wondering is.... what do you think causes this initial opening up? Personally, I remember going through this, as well. Prior to officially dating my SO, we would talk for hours about such personal stories (e.g. death of parents, suicide attempts, deployment trauma), which *obviously* made me feel like I couldn't ignore the connection we had because it was so strong to be able to talk about these things. But then, three or four years down the road, these subjects are almost taboo. They may be talked about in passing or brought up again after a night of drinking, but the instances of "opening up" so deeply are much more scarce. Why do you think this is? Is it because he's already told me all the big ones so there's no more to tell? What do you think it is about that early period where an SO feels so comfortable telling all the details of life when they are otherwise so guarded and defensive? Do you think it is a way (unconsciously or not) to test the waters to see what kind of reaction they will get? In some instances, I could see how this initial opening up by an SO with PTSD can make the supporter feel a sort of sense of security and make the blow of the initial PTSD escalation/episode feel so much worse. Or is this just a trend with all new relationships?

Rambling now but still very curious.

 

[boodle]

I've just been reading a few posts from supporters that are in new relationships with someone with P...

That's a good question. As you say maybe it could be a test to see how the supporter deals with an initial opening up. Could it be that there is no deep emotional attachment to the supporter at that point, and the sufferer is able to share without concern about how it could upset the supporter? As the attachment grows, the sufferer does not want to burden or hurt the supporter with such issues. Just a thought.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I've just been reading a few posts from supporters that are in new relationships with someone with P...

I think it's a sort of warning signal. My Combat Vet did it too. Spilled all the ugly truths and then waited for me to be like "Holy Crap" and when I wasn't like that, I think that gave him a level of confidence in pursuing the relationship further.

Now he won't tell me anything besides how he's "not relationship ready" and blah, blah, blah....

Hasn't stopped him from using my Netflix account though. Probably using my body wash and shampoo too. LOL

 

[Nomoneywoman]

As a sufferer all of you have hit some big points at least for me that is. Everyone is different.

Yes it's like I'm giving a warning signal. The 1st 3 months is the hardest for me. If I can get past that then things will calm down. I kid you not, I am like a crazy roller coaster ride. It's like I subconsciously/unintentionally do this. Anxiety leds me to the test the waters to see if one is willing & also to see how they handle it I would say. My doctor has pointed this out to me that I am trying to see if they accept me at my worst before things start progressing. For I have put it out there up front so there are no surprises of my past. So when i am having a hard time or I do get triggered it helps me know they know. That does help my anxiety drop down a lot which is a must & then I feel a tad bit safer to start.

If I am willing to open up with someone that is saying a lot about my subconscious feelings towards them. I want them to know in hoping it helps them. It's my way of trying to build trust. It's all about building the trust factor.

Down the road it's more of I told the big factors so the rest are smaller. I don't really need to say anything else unless it becomes an issue. I don't want to relive it & I want to heal & move forward. Going to therapy for me is a must to do so.

As I become closer I want to connect on a very deep level but have a hard time reaching those feelings because I can't feel them & I really didn't understand the whole thing either at first. For they are numb & buried. When you don't feel, you don't know that's what it is. It all takes time. So if I say I don't know, I really mean I don't know because I can't feel. For me it takes a lot of time to truly & slowly reach them. The more I heal the more I can open up to reach & bring them up. One has to be honest & trust in themselves. For to be open & honest is hard enough for most people just in general.

I go through this process each time I try to start a new relationship.

Also it's difficult when something triggers you that you didn't know would. But you learn from that & control it. My doctor calls it a kernel of ptsd. It just pops up as you keep reaching down to bring up the feelings. You didn't know it would happen because you couldn't feel those feelings until then. It's scary & embarrassing for me when it happens.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

As a sufferer all of you have hit some big points at least for me that is. Everyone is different....

This explains a lot to me. I am just wondering a few things though. You say you don't feel yet you want to be in a relationship. Isn't that kind of a catch 22? I mean, part of the thrill of being in a relationship is the feelings of attraction and love.

And what's the odds of someone with PTSD ever catching feelings for someone??? And when you do, do you push them away???

 

[Nomoneywoman]

This explains a lot to me. I am just wondering a few things though. You say you don't fe...

Yes it is a catch 22.

I was diagnosed in 2006 so I had to start somewhere. I didn't start trying to date for the first 5 years. I just worked on myself. Then when I did try to it brought up a lot of anxiety I just didn't know I had. It was horrible. Learning to trust is so very hard for me.

I had worked for UPS for over 20 years & loved my job until I was sexually harassed by my boss for last 2 years. Then during my workers comp case & my employment/sexual harassment case against UPS my marriage fell apart, very stressful. So my doctor has explained to me that the 2 people the I could/should be able to trust had betrayed my trust. By my boss for doing what he did & my for ex leaving like he did. I don't blame him for leaving but how he did it was very wrong, painful & hard on me. I came home after a long day at 2 doctors appointments out of town for my cases & he clean out the house & took the kids. 1900 sq ft & left me nothing but my clothes. I just wanted to die at that point. He just couldn't handle all of it along with 3 kids under the age of 7. I was really bad off.

So a lot of my anxiety stems from that. I did not feel that or realize that until I started dating. I have had plenty of dates but have only tried 3 times for a relationship in the past 5 years. The last one was in 2015 it broke off for other reasons not ptsd.

But I really connected with him & he didn't push. He made me feel safe & protected emotionally & physically. By telling me & showing me & accepting me & just holding me tight like I liked & letting me be me as I worked through things. Which then i was able to bring out deeper feelings I really didn't know I had. I wanted them I just couldn't feel them or find my way to them. Then once I finally did which was a huge factor in my healing process & have been able to work more on myself & reach deeper.

Now I do catch feelings not all of them & at times I am numb to them. But I get less & less times & shorter time span that I feel numb. But I still feel deeper when I do & more then I ever had before. For now I can feel some of them & I know what they feel like. I crave them very much it feels great. As time goes on I will reach more.

But I still push away out of fear & lack of trust with in the 1st 3 months. I haven't been able to really tap into all of that yet. I'm getting closer as I heal though.

Attraction is always a must but my attraction is based on his personality & character. That's what draws me in.

When your afraid it's hard. For me my feelings of the past come up when triggered by a new person but it has nothing to do with them. It's weird your body is in one place but your mind flashes back to the unresolved issues. Most don't understand stand that & they take it personally. That also means I'm making progress by having that happen. At first it was very confusing. It scared me because I had no idea why I was feeling them. For the new person hadn't done anything. I just felt it. But after my doctor explained it, I totally got it. It's just really hard because you don't know when it's going to happen but if you know why you can address it. Once it happens you know how to react & control it. At some point I will have reached all those emotions hopefully & i then know how to handle them instead of freaking out.

It gets better with time for me. That's another reason I bring it out in the beginning.
It just takes a lot of time & work & at the same time I have to be able to give back. It can't be one sided. It's not fare. A supporter can get drained & burned out.

I have been at this for 10 years partly because I put my kids 1st & I would never change that. So it has slowed my healing process down for I don't get a lot of me time. I go to talk therapy every other week still. Not that I need as much as before but I can let stuff out & learn. That way I don't burden my children or the one I'm with as much, which is healthier for everyone.

 

[boodle]

Yes it is a catch 22.

I was diagnosed in 2006 so I had to start somewhere. I didn't start trying...

I think this is such an important post. Thank-you so much @Nomoneywoman. I won't comment on it yet as I will need to read and re read it to see how I can learn from it as a supporter.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Yes it is a catch 22.

I was diagnosed in 2006 so I had to start somewhere. I didn't start trying...

Hmmm...I find that interesting. I don't know if you've ever read my posts but I've been dating a Combat Vet since August 20th. The first few months we had a lot of ups and downs (he was talking to other girls and I don't play that) and then we finally settled down into a nice pattern. The last month though...sheesh... he's driving me nuts. He's lessening in the amount of time he can spend with me. Weekends spent usually end in a fight. He tells me to go home. Then two days later, he's back calling and texting like nothing is wrong. Sunday night he broke up with me, reitierated it again Monday and then I texted him last night and told him how I feel and that I accept him for who he is. No response. No "Great but I don't want to talk to you anymore." No, "Let's try and make things work" . NOTHING. So I don't know where I stand. Today I have refrained from contacting him at all.

Curiously, he started a fight IMMEDIATELY after we had a sexual experience that was kind of awesome. I felt really connected with him and then he acted COMPLETELY bizarre and started yelling at me. It was really strange. Based on your experiences, what the heck was that and what do you think I should do??? I don't have PTSD...Only Co-dependency so I wanna fix people. Especially him. LOL.

 

[Nomoneywoman]

Hmmm...I find that interesting. I don't know if you've ever read my posts but I've been d...

Sorry I have not read your posts.
So I don't know all the details.
Just from reading this post I can say a combat vet with ptsd has more & some additional & different issues to cover. My doctor has explained it a little bit to me when I have asked about it.

From what your telling me is, your a co-dependent. You can't help or fix him. He has to want to & then do it. You can only be supportive & listen. Give lots of space.

I by no means am a professional in anyway to address these issues.

Everyone one is different in how they are affected & the path they take to heal.

My personal thoughts & experiences by what you have described is there is more going on then ptsd. Ignoring someone your in a relationship with is never ok. They need to be able to say something. You should have a safe word as I call it, that he can say that means to leave him alone for he needs space & time. It's part of the healing process. My close friends & If i am seeing someone they all know when I say, I am "overwhelmed" to just leave me alone. Don't text me asking me anything or to just check in. If you do I become very angry & upset because I can't take it. I will not answer. I will come to you when I have worked through it. I am not leaving & I will return. They know not to take it personally. Very hard for some people to do. I do not go talk to others or pick fights. I need & want to be alone to process things.
It's healing.

Him talking to other girls in the beginning & now not wanting to see you as much now & picking fights is coming from other issues I would think. Look at it this way if he didn't have ptsd would you accept those behaviors from others. I think not. Having ptsd does not give one a free ride to mistreat someone.

If his emotions are so up & down he needs to address that with his doctor. Either there is other issues & or the doctor can give meds to help him even out. If they are not willing to get help or take meds there is nothing you can do. Then you have to ask yourself, if he is not willing to get help & or take meds then why do you want to be with someone who won't even help themselves. Other then you say your co-dependent. It would be helpful for your sake to address that.

When I push someone away I don't do those kind of things. But I can become disrespectful & very overbearing & push it really hard by becoming unbearable. That comes from anxiety & fear still from my past. If they allow me to do that & not address it & they stick around I lose respect for them. So it's either they put their foot down & bring it to my attention & I stop it. Not that they should have to do that but it is part of me at this point. I want my other half to help me be the best person I can be. As I should do in return for them.

As for yelling at you after such a great connection I could only guess. He was physically there but his mind put him somewhere back in his past & it confused & scared him. He desperately needed to just literally bolt to get away. Or again there are other issues unrelated to his ptsd.

If he is not getting help. You have to ask your self if your willing to be with him knowingly.
If he is getting help & taking meds if needed & is still this way. He needs to work on himself more. Trying to be in a relationship is not helping him. His doctor should be able to get him to see that on his own. You can never just tell him. He has to be able to see it for himself in order to address it & learn.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

Sorry I have not read your posts.
So I don't know all the details.
Just from reading this post I c...

And here's my answer:
You are a great woman. There are just some major differences we have. The biggest is that i do better when im not in a serious relationship. I never intended to get into anything serious. You need a man thats ok being tied down. When i am i feel like i am in a cage. Its not you as a person.

 

[Nomoneywoman]

And here's my answer:
You are a great woman. There are just some major differences we have...

I'm sorry that you have tried so hard & not have it come out as you would of liked. It's never easy. Relationship can be hard enough with out adding in ptsd.

The response he gave I can relate to very well for I have said almost the exact thing to a few guys. I totally get the feeling one gets that they do better by themselves I have been there. I don't feel caged but for me I feel pressured. I also agree that it was never anyone of them personally. It's just me & where I was at. It's hard.
I wish you the best.

 

[dulcia]

I think this is such an important post. Thank-you so much @Nomoneywoman. I won't comm...

Same. So happy to read your perspective @Nomoneywoman, but need to find time to dedicate to reading everything in its entirety. I'll be back!