Relationship Sufferers Opening Up In The Honeymood Phase

[dulcia]

I can become disrespectful & very overbearing & push it really hard by becoming unbearable. That comes from anxiety & fear still from my past. If they allow me to do that & not address it & they stick around I lose respect for them.

This was hard for me to read because I don't want to be in that situation as a supporter. I think one thing that is particularly hard for me to differentiate between is 'pushing away because I have trust issues due to a failed marriage combined with combat PTSD' as opposed to 'pushing you away because I don't really care what happens with us and I want to be able to do the things I did when I was single'. The numbness/lack of feelings is something my SO describes too. It's hard for me to even imagine since I am such an emotional person in every aspect. I so wish we could switch brains with our SOs for a day to see how it is for them.

As for the OP, I think the testing the waters thing makes the most sense on paper. I just find it hard to accept such a big, intimate opening up early on to near radio silence once in a more long term relationship. And this seems even more crappy for supporters if they see the initial opening up as a deep connection with their SO when in reality their SO doesn't feel the same because they can't feel at all. Hmm.

 

[boodle]

And this seems even more crappy for supporters if they see the initial opening up as a deep connection with their SO when in reality their SO doesn't feel the same because they can't feel at all.

Oh, you've just described my past week of torment @tiredtexan. I asked for a reassuring hug after a tough few days and my sufferer became so angry with me and shut me out. I left at that point. We are just tentatively in touch by text.

From the amazing woman I fell in love with, where nothing was an issue to being mainly distant for the last three months and shut out at some point each week. A reassuring hug saying 'its ok darling, I'm here for you' was all that was required. I'm so conflicted as to if I can deal with that long-term and also support her. Its so hard!

 

[Nomoneywoman]

As I know each sufferer responds and heals on a different timetable.

I feel the best I am able to feel for you supporters as in what has been said. It has to be very difficult.

It's taken me years & I still hear at times I'm just not open enough or they feel I don't care. On good days that really hurts to hear because I feel I have let them down & on bad days it doesn't faze me as much because I have shut down. It's not that I do it on purpose it's a necessity to heal. I have to be alone. So for me, I think I understand that point some to the best I can & how that must hurt you as a supporter when it happens.

Supporters in my eyes are very strong people to be able to handle all you do. I can honestly say over 5 years ago I would of never dated me & sometimes I still wonder. Even though the now me is usually more open & have worked very hard at that. But there are times I have to shut down. Or in the beginning of a new relationship I am a crazy train of anxiety & do things I shouldn't. Even at that I am not very good around the holidays either. For December is my anniversary date. I usually don't socialize at that time. I tried this year & took on to much & it was a total disaster.

Again everyone heals differently. Just as I see & think supporters need support too, so they don't become burned out.

I was diagnosed 10 years ago. At 1st I didn't see all that. It took years for me, but I can now see & realize almost all that you do. I admire your strength & the things you do as a supporter.

 

[Nomoneywoman]

This was hard for me to read because I don't want to be in that situation as a supporter. I think on...

Your right it is very hard when the pushing away starts. No one wants to have that happen. But I was told once to look at it this way. It's different for each person but it made sense to me.

When the pushing starts it's not about the supporter. Its about the sufferer that is stressed & overwhelmed. So for most that I have read about & myself we just need to shut down to process what's going on & do some healing. I just want away & will do whatever & say whatever. So when I look at it that way, that's a healing issue. Not a trust issue.

Trust is about slowly opening up & trying to trust were not going to be hurt or left again. At least for me.

Assuming they made it past the first few months. Like me putting it all out there. If they can & want to handle that it's a start to lean towards trusting. But it takes a slow move from there forward leaning to trust them more.

My stress cup is over flowing when I am pushing & it can be from good stress or bad stress. It does the same.

Pushing away & shutting down is about time we need to ourselves to heal & that lowers my stress.

We all push in different ways. Mine is a disrespectful way. I am getting them away but I also happen to see how they handle it. It makes a difference for me. I need certain things. Everyone is different. It's not right & I don't want to do it that way. But I just still do at this point in my process. So for me it's a catch 22. I want that long term relationship but I can't always feel or get out of my own way. I working on it & will get there.

 

[Hojay]

I've had the same experience with my sufferer. He opened up about his trauma 3 months into our relationship (for the first time, to anyone.) It created an intense and deep bond between us. Since then he talks about it less and can be quite closed off, which feels very strange after everything he has divulged. The way I've interpreted it, however, is that he was sure to trust me, that his "secret" was safe, and he too cherished the honesty and intimacy of revealing himself like that. However, with such intense information also comes intense vulnerability, and sometimes we need to close ourselves off from exactly those people who know the most about us. I can follow that logic very well and I try to not take it personally when he doesn't share as "intensely" as he did in the beginning. I think sometimes he just wants to feel a sense of power and personal agency over his trauma, rather than put it in the hands of someone else, i.e. me. I'll give him that.

 

[dulcia]

Your right it is very hard when the pushing away starts. No one wants to have that happen. But I w...

The pushing away is hard, yes, but what I especially thought was hard to read was, "When I push someone away I don't do those kind of things. [...]That comes from anxiety & fear still from my past. If they allow me to do that & not address it & they stick around I lose respect for them." Because I think I'm in the 'my SO has no respect for me' stage. But you sound much more insightful and aware than my SO so I am glad you were able to get to that place in your life :)

 

[Newtoptsd]

The pushing away is hard, yes, but what I especially thought was hard to read was, "When I push some...

My sufferer doesn't get mad at me or have anger issues (I don't think) but he does break it off with me a fair few times .... maybe he's lost respect for me for sticking around? Who knows!

 

[Nomoneywoman]

The pushing away is hard, yes, but what I especially thought was hard to read was, "When I push some...

First I want to say thank you. It's been a long hard process.

Every one is different. Men are hard wired differently. Also you have to keep in mind that he might not really feel or able to see what's happening & how that it's affecting you. So it's not necessary that he isn't respecting you or trying.

The last guy I dated I took him with me to some of my therapy appointments. He was more then willing to go so I jumped on that. It help us a lot.

My sufferer doesn't get mad at me or have anger issues (I don't think) but he does break it off with...

Maybe It could be his way of dealing with things is to break it off. Maybe he doesn't know any other way to deal with it. Sometimes it's best to run instead of lashing out & hurting the one you care about.
Then come back after one has healed some & try again.

I use to do a lot of running in the beginning & them come back because I didn't know how to handle it otherwise let alone didn't understand what was happening & why but that is me.
Most men I had meet couldn't/wouldn't/or wanted to deal with that so....

I have learned why & how to handle that. But as I have said earlier I'm at a different stage now. I have to work through that. But some people heal faster don't go though so much & no big issues & vice Versace

 

[Muttly]

I open up to some degree in the honeymoon stage. Some of that is intentional some is less so. Partly, I know my baggage is an issue in a relationship, so it needs to be out there. I guess you can call that a test, but I also think it's a natural part of all relationships. As you get to know each other more, you share more so your relationship evolves. I reach a point where it feels dishonest to not share. I guess also, it is a test. If someone can't handle my past, I want to know.

I think there's another part too. As the relationship becomes less surface, you start touching on emotions and that means PTSD comes to the forefront. It matters. And since it's the relationship that's triggering it, bringing it into the relationship gives a sense of control back.... I could be completely off track on that one.

Once I'm in a relationship, I am probably not going to want to talk about it much. It's painful and hard and I have to deal with my feelings and the supporters feelings which makes it event harder

.

Maybe It could be his way of dealing with things is to break it off. Maybe he doesn't know any other way to deal with it. Sometimes it's best to run instead of lashing out & hurting the one you care about.
Then come back after one has healed some & try again.

I'm a runner. Big time. I get overwhelmed. Once I'm overwhelmed processing it through with the supporter just seems like it will be more triggering because I can't even deal with my own feelings/thoughts so how the hell can I deal with the supporters? And I truly believe (in the moment) that running is better because I know if I don't I will get reactive. I typically won't get angry unless I feel cornered. This is a messy cycle though because often as I pull away, the other person starts reaching out, worrying about what's going on, trying to pull me in and so I do feel trapped. Which means I become a cranky ass and pull further away.

I just really opened up in my current relationship and it was interesting. He also has PTSD and that made for a very different dynamic. I haven't felt the normal panic I do after opening up. Mostly I'm worried about him, because he's less far along in his healing.

 

[Nomoneywoman]

I open up to some degree in the honeymoon stage. Some of that is intentional some is less so. Partly, I...

Wow, you put that so well, I totally feel that. Thank you.

I dated a guy who had ptsd. I can say I also didn't go through the normal panic or testing or anything like that either. I think because I felt so much safer because we understood what the other was going through & how to respond. It was just a big relief.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

As I know each sufferer responds and heals on a different timetable.

I feel the best I am able t...

Would you feel guilty if you had cancer? Or had a stroke and your brain was fuzzy??? Not really. Why? Because those are an illness that has a PHYSICAL manifestation that people can see. So they give more sympathy. Naturally.

My mother had a brain aneurysm at age 39. Hence why I'm codependent. Most people felt sorry for her. Some stared. She looked messed up until she died 5 years ago. But nonetheless, it was a mental illness/dysfunction that was quite obvious.

PTSD people look like everyone else. But they don't act it usually. But just like our family CHOSE to keep my mother around and not put her in a home, I CHOOSE to deal with/love/support my Combat Vet.

Don't EVER feel guilty about what you've said UNLESS you are not willing to try to accommodate your partner. I know this disease is overwhelming. But the best thing to do is LISTEN to your partner. He or She LOVES YOU and that's why they haven't told you to buzz off by now.

 

[Deleted member 38137]

The pushing away is hard, yes, but what I especially thought was hard to read was, "When I push some...

I feel the same way. But then I got some cahones the other day and told the Vet off. And good. I think I scared the EFF outta him. He's on his best behavior. And even when he acted marginally mouthy again today, I said "Ok, there's stuff I wanted to do today. You are not on my timeframe. So I'm gonna go run the errands we talked about and go home. Bye Felicia" And I left.

A major part of PTSD seems to be about control. Hey, I'm all for FUN control. But unless I'm calling you "DADDY" cuz we are having fun, I have no use for you wasting my time. Lol.

Sorry for the TMI, but it is what it is