How Do People Feel Hearing 'details' ?

[Tinyflame]

How do non-traumatized people feel, and 'see' you, if they know about sexual assault, child sexual assault, abuse? Is it really gross? Is it like you are left with a horrible mark on your head? (If that makes sense- I don't mean it offensively at all, like just a connotation. For example, things from work that now have a connotaton for me have become horrible. And once, when I was 16 I failed someone miserably after they showed me their scars from a suicide attempt. :( :tdown: )

Does it feel 'creepy'? :(

Also, do you feel like it doesn't matter? That it's past (especially a child). Do/ did you feel it's wrong to say?

Did you feel like it's your fault?

Did you regret it? Did you fall apart after?

I hope you won't feel badly to just say 'the truth' (it's appreciated).Thank you all in advance.

 

[Tinyflame]

I came back not to bump up the thread but only to say, I see that it is an impossible question (well, actually, my first thought was, 'well, that's my answer', but that is self-defeating too). I think in thinking about it, it would depend upon the person, relationship, and varibles in their own (unique) personalities and histories.

For example, one parent hearing that might feel irate or devastated, another minimize or be in denial. One spouse may be supportive, another view a person negatively, etc.

Also, I realize (above) I didn't 'fail anybody miserably', I kind of was overwhelmed. I actually felt pretty true to my nature, didn't know what to express though.

I suppose to some degree I wonder what they mean by 'you're only as sick as your sickest secrets'? In so far as recommending people don't keep them. But I'm not even sure what "no longer keepinng a secret means"? Telling someone you'll never see again irl? Or telling someone when you will? Or anonymously, like on the forum?

Also, I find it difficult to know what's the difference between 'secret' & 'private', except to say consequences of saying the first are perceived (by me, personally) to be potentially infinitely worse.

I find it all quite confusing. :confused:

(I should have also said, not minute details really, just disclosure.)

 

[Sandstone]

The distinction between secret and private has been on my mind lately. There is something about where the power lies. Keeping something private is my decision, but secrecy imposes itself, though another,or through shame or deceit.

 

[Richie]

this website has taught me that sufferers are not victims so i no longer use that term although i may think it is partially accurate purely because nobody on this site has actively gone out to seek a traumatic event. perhaps a victim of circumstance rather than the more conventional view of what a victim is.
aside from that, everyone is a human being and there is no such thing as a perfect human being. EVERYONE has problems to some degree so nobody is better or worse than anyone else. we are all unique but equal.

NB i am studying psychology so i may be more patient and understanding than most but my last statement was formed before i started studying so it may not be from me rather than from what i am learning.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Richie , meaning we all have inherent dignity, irrespective of circumstances/ happenings? To focus on that?

Thank you.

Yes I think that's an accurate way to differentiate @Sandstone .Thank you.

 

[scout86]

I don't know that I know the answer to that question. And it might be interesting to know. (Maybe you need to ask 'the supporters'?) I've never actually shared specific details. With the few people where I've shared any general information, reactions have been all over. Generally, but not always, they've left me wishing I'd kept my stupid mouth shut.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you for your honesty @scout . Hugs & understanding. :hug:

 

[Richie]

@Richie , meaning we all have inherent dignity, irrespective of circumstances/ happen...

i dont see how your dignity would every be in question

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my gosh. :wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed:

Wow, thank you @Richie . I'm truly speechless. :wideeyed::notworthy::notworthy:

:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my, I keep writing this and can't get it right, :( , I'm going to post what I have just to try. I'm sorry I cannot find the words, so instead I'm just going to try to say what I feel. :(

What you said @Richie is I think the very crux of it: I think of having/ feeling no dignity after many of the happenings, and /or also because of my responses, and also failures later.

So saying how my dignity 'wouldn't (couldn't) ever be in question'- I can't remember if I ever felt it wasn't, or felt I had any dignity left. It leaves me feeling often less than human, not much above garbage, quite literally. Not exactly self-hatred, as profoundly lacking in worth, ashamed yes, but maybe even more ashamed of 'what' (not a typo) I am vs 'who'. I think that comes from not having a sense of dignity; partly from other's actions; partly from other's reinforcing that; partly from my knowledg/ onus of my role in it all, my self concept.

And I think any one else would think the same of me if they knew, or when they know such things of me.

Thank you for such a kind thing to say. :hug:

 

[Richie]

i am really not sure why such a simple comment has provoked such a reaction but i am pleased that it did.
i have never looked at the definition of the word 'dignity' since it is a word that people use with a general understanding and rarely need to really look at it. i have just looked it up and it does confirm my understanding of the word
" calm, serious, and controlled behaviour that makes people respect you"
"the importance and value that a person has, that makes other people respect them or makes them respect themselves"
dignity Meaning in the Cambridge English Dictionary

before i read that i thought dignity was about how you conduct yourself, holding your head high because you know that you are a good person. that kind of thing and it seems i was pretty much spot on. it is all about respect whether that is self respect or respect from others!

it seems to me that dignity is all about who you are as a person. your values, principles, morals etc and these all guide you to being a good person. you and everyone else on this site have stories to tell (or not) but i really cant imagine how anyone here has gone out to seek something bad. an event or a person doing something to you is not your fault and so your respect (and therefore dignity) should be intact. there is no reason to question your dignity and to be honest, your presence on this website shows that you want to move on. does that not mean i should respect you more? i think you deserve that respect!

 

[Tinyflame]

@Richie you are very kind. :notworthy:

i have never looked at the definition of the word 'dignity' since it is a word that people use with a general understanding and rarely need to really look at it. i

Tbh, I don't think I've ever looked up the definition- presumbly not, as I've never connected it to respect, maybe basic self-worth, not holding one's head up in accomplishment so much as holding it up because you're entitled to be present in the world, in a basic way.

a simple comment has provoked such a reaction but i am pleased that it did.

'

Yes it is a great gift you gave. Helps me to understand (for myself) where the shame comes from. Someone once told me shame' comes from how we feel in relation to others, but I think I'd feel it on a desert island!

n event or a person doing something to you is not your fault and so your respect (and therefore dignity) should be intact.

Wow. Well, yikes, Idk. I don't ever recall trying to hurt someone on purpose. But certain actions of others were undignified, or not humane; and my responses short or long term weren't always so dignified, either.

I guess I did the best I could at the time. I just don't think anyone else would feel forgiving or kind about it/ me. Ugh. Still can't quite find the words, in relation to dignity, except to say we aren't what's done to us, maybe, or we have more value than we might have experienced, or had worth. But yes, thanks to you what made not much sense makes more sense. :) :hug:

PS, I have much respect for you too. :) (Thank you.:hug:)

ETA while fixing typo, I suppose it's like seeing 'only' others actions as 'who'/ 'what' I am, those experiences/ moments/ relationships / history as all I 'am' , (& that doesn't feel deserving of much dignity). And shame-filled topics feel like the equivalent of I am the embodiment of that shame.