How Do People Do This?

[joeylittle]

That's all not even mentioning the fact I have no time to clean or run errands or do any other thing that mothers are expected to do. I'm completely overwhelmed and I honestly have no idea how anybody does this.

I don't think there's any 'expected' here. And I also think everyone who has had a baby would agree with you about the overwhelmed and not knowing how anyone does this part, too. @mary1979 said it really well - eat when he eats, sleep when he sleeps, even if it's just in short bursts. Everything else is going to fall by the wayside for awhile, and that's to be expected. He's still very young. Both my friends went through something quite similar with their (combined 4) children, and found that just going up and down with the kid, including staying together for sleep, helped a great deal.

 

[Casey_03]

I've been trying the 'eat when he eats, sleep when he sleeps' principle, but it doesn't seem to work in practice. The problem is he doesn't seem to sleep very much. And the only time he sleeps at all is when I am busy doing other things for him that have to be done during certain hours -- getting and cooking food for the special breastfeeding diet they put me on; getting vital medications -- even if delivered, it's a big hassle to phone all the pharmacies and find what i need during business hours and then have to meet the delivery guy. Negotiating with nannies to find a good one -- they are only available at certain hours. Then, the hospital is sending doctors to check on me - so have to have the house clean. Have to take care of my kidney every hour - clean and redress the wound and empty and clean the tube. Have to clean the wound from birth every couple hours. There is literally just no time to sleep when he sleeps. And I can't eat when he eats because I have to feed him, which in itself is incredibly difficult - milking myself, feeding him and trying to get him to eat it, then inevitably cleaning it up when he spits it up all over himself, only to have to repeat the task because he couldn't keep anything down. Over the past few days, I have gotten probably an hour of sleep each night in 20 minute bits. But I don't see how that is feasible going forward -- my body is already starting to break down and I keep having weird heart palpitations and getting dizzy. I knew that I'd get very little sleep with the baby around, but I thought it'd be at least around 4-5 hours a day, not an hour or less.

 

[Jessimessi]

@Casey_03 my daughter had some serious tummy issues as well, which the docs said " it's just colic." I had a very tough pregnancy, chronic pain and subsequent c section so I was NOT in good shape. The exhaustion and stress is something I will never forget and I feel for you so much. However, At her 2 month check up a very astute nurse saw a soiled diaper and asked " are we checking her for a cows milk protein intolerance?" A very bleary eyed me went " huh- she's breast fed, why would it matter" Turns out, many infants have trouble digesting the proteins in cows milk even if mum is breast feeding. It causes extreme abdominal pain and stool issues. Once I cut out dairy her issues almost disappeared. I of course know this may not be your child's issue but I had never heard of it, so may be worth asking about.

Do you have any family or friends close by that can come by once a day for an hour? This would be only for you to rest/sleep NOT CLEAN. You don't have to be perfect, to your baby you already are. Hugs if you'll accept

 

[Fadeaway]

@Jessimessi I don't think a lot of people, especially people who have a lot of family and friends willing to help, realise how offensive such a statement can be. It is very hurtful and painful to people who don't have anyone. If Casey had anyone she could ask, don't you think she would have already?

Casey is completely on her own with zero available help. I have been close to being in Casey's shoes minus the kidney problem. I just wish people realised how hurtful such comments are.

@Casey_03 Please forget about cleaning the house. You do not need to right now. I don't care if Dr.s are coming over. You just had a baby, your house is supposed to be a mess.

1. Colicky babies are very difficult. My 2nd baby was extremely colicky and had GERD. The only way I got any sleep was to leave him latched onto my breast, lay on the floor and sleep. Try and keep him upright as much as possible. Put him in an upright sitting position and gently rock him back and forth bending him at the waist to burp him instead of patting him on the back. Another thing to try is kangaroo care. Keeping him strapped to your bare skin with him wearing nothing but a diaper and his ear to your heart. you are going to get a lot of advice. Some it will work for you guys, some of it won't. But no cleaning, well that is a order!

 

[Jessimessi]

@Fadeaway - what makes you assume that I am " one of those people?" I had no friends or family either which is why I commented on this post. Nowhere was it mentioned that she had no one to help, so my suggestion she try to set up a structured rotation of any help she had to give her a break every day was in no way " offensive" considering the information given in her initial post. Now that I am aware, however, I do sincerely apologize to @Casey_03 because my intent was only to help and let her know she isn't alone. I removed my last statement from this post and will be far more reserved when commenting on topics In The future

 

[Fadeaway]

You do not be more reserved in your posting, and I am truly sorry you had to go it alone as well. However, I still stand by my statement that anyone asking at any time, if someone has friends or family to help is offensive, because it is so incredibly painful to be asked that when you have no one. I just happen to hate that statement above all other statments.

I personly (note I am referring to myself and not making generalizations about how other people feel) would rather be called derogatory names than to be asked if I had friends or family to help.

 

[EveHarrington]

@Jessimessi

You were just trying to help. I really hope you don't become more reserved in your posting in the future as there was nothing outlandishly out there in what you said. What matters is that you reached out and tried to help another person. If people cannot see that you had well intentioned actions then it's on them------this site is all about taking the good and leaving the bad which means that when receiving advice/opinions/whatever, we each have the power to take what works for us and leave the rest. You're not a mind reader and have no way of knowing what will/won't work for another. We all respond with good intent----and that's what matters. Please keep posting. :)

 

[Friday]

@Fadeaway, meant kindly, that sounds like a trigger... As it's a very fair question of any new parent, especially a sleep deprived one who may not be thinking clearly, as it -really- often either doesn't occur to new parents to ask others for help when they "should" be able to do it all themselves (insert riotous laughter at "should"), or their pre-parenthood "When I'm a parent I'm going to / I'm never going to ______ , like every other parent does" biases mean they "can't" (aka can, just don't want to) ask for help.

Those 2 things are mostly why everyone under the sun (doctors, coworkers, neighbors, cashiers at the market) are usually asking if you have friends/family who can help. Granted, there's also small talk from other parents (because outside assistance or serious creativity, and often a combo of both, is absolutely required of every parent. Either you have help, or you will have help), but any serious inquiry when someone is seeking aid/help/tips/tricks, it would be insane to leave that question out.


@Casey_03 Yep. Non-Parents don't really understand the meaning of the word "hard" in relation to parenting, and often think we're being dramatic when we talk about not getting any sleep, lazy or reeeeeeally overdramatic for not being able to do even "simple" things, or bad parents when needing a break from the kids. None of that is the case.

Yes. When people say that parenting is hard? This is exactly what we mean. And, Yes. We do get through it. Feels like we're not, and it's often by the skin of our teeth, and the only constant is that once you've mastered one stage? They're already onto the next one! :wtf: But we not only get through it, but get through the next stage. And the next. And the next.

You may not be able to see it, but you're already starting to master this stage. You're hiring outside help, are learning how to handle your baby (we all become masters, very very quickly, in exactly 1 child. Our newborn. Next baby? Will have all new things to master. And again, it will happen very quickly. Wicked steep learning curve, parenting.), what his needs are, his patterns, and are trying to figure out a schedule that works for both of you. I know it doesn't feel like you're mastering it. It feels eye crossingly horrible, exhausting, frustrating, impossible... And like it's lasting forever, and will last forever. It won't. In fact, best parenting advice I've ever gotten? It will be over in a blink.

It's only been a few days. Yes it's hard, but yes you will get through this.

 

[ghotiff]

You don't have to clean your house for doctors. I had a difficult first baby and at an in home visit I apologized for the mess (it was hygienic but really messy) and the nurse said "it's the clean houses you worry about because their priorities are off". Keep the house clean from a safety standpoint, but otherwise let the mess grow.

If vacuuming/car works, another one is the washing machine and dryer. Putting my baby in the laundry when the machines were on helped.

Because your sleep deprived I'll throw out other thoughts in case you hadn't thought of them
- pacifiers (dummies in Australia)
- football hold, it's a facedown hold which puts gentle pressure on their chest (google images)
- tv for the baby, mine liked rugby
- put baby somewhere safe and get a timer for 10min and walk somewhere you can't hear the cries. Just giving yourself that noise break helps.
- mothers groups.
- consider asking strangers for help. Hard to do but if someone in my street had a new baby and was struggling I'd more than happily cook extra at dinner and drop it over, or pick up some extra groceries when out, but I wouldn't offer to help in case they were offended. If you have mothers in your street I think they'd help, they have been there too.

Hope that helps somehow.

 

[Anarchy]

I've just been looking through some of my Africa photos for pictures of how women improvised with shawls or bed sheets to make a baby carrier. Baby stayed safely fastened to mum's front or back as she went about her (usually hard, physical) work, and always had the comfort of being there in direct contact with mum.

 

[Mallaky]

I still stand by my statement that anyone asking at any time, if someone has friends or family to help is offensive,

@Jessimessi It is really, really not.

 

[Sweetpea76]

football hold, it's a facedown hold which puts gentle pressure on their chest (google images)

My oldest was colicky and he loved being held like this... Or at least it worked for awhile.

He also liked to lay on his back and have his little knees gently pushed up to his belly or his legs bicycled... Anything to move gas around or give him some comfort.

Also there is a football or clutch hold when you're breastfeeding that is really helpful. I didn't figure it out until my 2nd kid, but it gives you a free hand (so you can scarf down something for yourself, have a drink, etc.). Also, with practice, you can even walk around while nursing that way.

Hang in there... Colic is f*cking awful torture for new parents. It really honestly does go away in a few months... It doesn't seem like it will, but it will. If you need to lay your baby down and let him cry it out, do it. It's not going to hurt him if you need a few moments to gather yourself.