I must also ask why my father has been assumed to be my only CSA suspect. Anyway, here are my thoughts in regards to my father's sexual abuse of me.
I have only two vivid childhood memories of CSA that were only recalled at age 24. Beginning with my first frightening memory of seeing my father intentionally display his penis erection to me at age 4 — yet not until age 24, had I become conscious awareness of his sexual abuse.
When I was about age 10, I once innocently asked my father why he was sniffing panties from the dirty cloth hamper. I saw him place panties in his pocket and walk away. This memory I hadn’t buried as I hadn’t then realized this was CSA related. This memory was also recalled only at age 24.
I suspect that, my frightening experience of seeing my father’s erection, at age 4, might have been my very first sighting of his erection. If I’d been routinely exposed to his erections prior to age 4, I doubt that I’d be so extremely frightened by it at age 4. I also doubt that I could have easily and willingly approached his penis again later on with less fear.
Even my T seemed aware of my genital phobia during my early 20’s. At the time, I wanted nothing to do with genitals and sexual feelings below the waist. For me, it was as though, that area of my body, including any sexual feelings belonged to my father alone and that those sexual feelings were his business and not mine. Whatever the case, I wanted nothing to do with it. It’s not as if, my father genuinely loved me either - he didn’t.
He was very rejecting of me and yet, he would stare at my body when he masturbated - this behavior made no sense to me. I didn’t want to take part in this unwilling role as his fantasy sexual partner, if that’s what that was. I wished he hadn’t stared at me while masturbating. When he did stare at me, I wanting to scream and yet, I couldn’t scream because I could only freeze. I wanted no part of it!
So how old might I have been when I first began to freeze during my father’s CSA masturbation - age 2, age 3? My guess would be age 4, if during my suspected onset of penis phobia.
My sexual abuse might have never been physical - I suspect that it wasn’t physical which makes it appear even less believable. I have no memory of my father ever crawling into bed with me - note, my younger sister and I slept in the same bed until I was age 12 - nor did my father ever forcefully touch me, nor threaten me in any way. My father was also very careful at hiding his CSA from others. I was never physically harmed by it nor even bruised. This being say, my emotional injuries remain evident.
If this type of sexual abuse had occurred prior to age 4, I doubt that this would have emotionally harmed me because I likely hadn’t the mental development to comprehend it as being wrongful or shameful, prior to age 4.
During my early childhood, I might have occasionally seen my brother’s genitals as he was 3 years my senior. Yet at age 4, my father’s full erection appeared to be moving, independently, as if on its own and yet, it had no eyes - this was extremely frightening to me! At age 4, I hadn’t even yet grasped the understanding that his erection was part of his own body.
Early on I wasn’t judgmental - I likely thought my parents could do no wrong. If anyone were wrongful or ‘bad’ then that must have been me.
I have very little memory of my childhood prior to age 3 and one-half. I don’t know when I first began to bury my father’s CSA from my conscious mind. I suspect this began when I began to realize my need for a meaningful connection with my father. So at age 4, I likely buried my fear of my father’s erection along with all of my emotions so, that I could be ‘accepted’ by him - not as truly loved but rather ‘accepted.’
My total lack of CSA awareness from age 4 to age 24, hadn’t saved me from experiencing symptoms of sexual abuse either - there was my hyper-vigilance among other symptoms.
It’s not as if, my abusers were politely knocking at my bedroom door, asking if they could enter my safe space or my physical environment. They would simply show up unexpectedly. From my abuser’s perspective I had no privacy. Often, my only means of blocking them out was by dissociation.
