Childhood Why do people think this is csa

[Rose White]

If this type of sexual abuse had occurred prior to age 4, I doubt that this would have emotionally harmed me because I likely hadn’t the mental development to comprehend it as being wrongful or shameful, prior to age 4.

One would think! But it seems that even if the mental development isn’t there yet the mind-body files it away as “that was weird” until it can sort it out?

I also had severe phobia of adult penises. Felt nauseous and panicky when I would see pictures or one in real life—and a taste of soap in my mouth.

 

[spinningmytires]

One would think! But it seems that even if the mental development isn’t there yet the mind-body files it away as “that was weird” until it can sort it out?

I also had severe phobia of adult penises. Felt nauseous and panicky when I would see pictures or one in real life—and a taste of soap in my mouth.

This damaging CSA mind-body experience during infancy maybe true, yet, I had likely acquired far more disturbing, if confusing mind-body experiences, beyond any CSA fondling during infancy.

For example, I had repeatedly experienced blockages in my airways during my whooping cough illness - this sudden blockage of my airways had occurred over a number of weeks. Though I hadn’t likely grasped the concept of dying at 6 weeks of age, this might have left me with a lasting negative impression that my new world outside my mother’s womb wasn’t a safe place.

Also, because I wasn’t crying as an infant, my discomforts might have gone unnoticed by my mother. If I had then been in pain I had to deal with it alone. I also suspect that my brother might have been punching me if, pulling and twisting my limbs during my infancy while I was yet unable to cry out for help. I know that my brother was intentionally assaulting me when I was age 3 and one-half. I suspect that he was doing this when I was even younger.

I would suspect that my negative mind-body experiences during infancy were all mingled together. As a toddler, I likely wasn’t sorting out one experience from another as being either sexual and non sexual. To me these negatives were likely all experienced as disturbing stressors.

My penis phobia seemed more directly related to my fear of sexual intimacy and not to the physical presence of the penis itself. I have no memory of having any bad experience related to penis contact. However, my very frightening experience of seeing my father’s erect penis, at age 4, had provided me with the real-life visible evidence of my ‘bad father’s existence.’ This ‘bad father’ he had often tried to hide from me. Or at least he had until I began to block his penis from my conscious awareness.

So my greatest fears have always been related to those things which I could not see, such as, my ‘bad father’s hidden desires.’ My awareness of my father’s hidden desires always made me feel extremely unsafe and vulnerable. So much so that I would automatically freeze or dissociate.

I could never completely trust my father. Though he would always stop masturbating and simply walk away from me, I had no proof that this would always happen. How could sexual intimacy with anyone ever be a good thing without trust.

My father was never ’touchy feely’ with anyone, including his wife and the family dog. Most people take pleasure in physically petting their dogs, yet, my father apparently felt nothing pleasurable in doing it. Just as some people apparently feel nothing when listening to music, I think, my father felt nothing when giving affectionate touches to others. He very rarely touched me and only when it was absolutely necessary. A few times during my adulthood, I had given my father a hug, while my father only then looked away with no response.

When I look back on my father’s persistent avoidance of physical contact over the years, I find it very difficult to believe that, he was once very ’touchy feely’ with me. He had always minimized his interactions with others. When he did speak to me, he spoke only a few words. He avoided eye contact. He couldn’t relate to my emotions. He didn’t play games nor ever rough-house with his kids. As children we would sometimes follow behind him when we were out. But generally, we were expected not to bother him and to stay out of his way.

As far back as I can recall, I had no physical contact with a penis until I was age 24 - and then, that was always consensual.
Beginning at age 12, all of my horses were geldings with occasional erections which never unset me in the least. A few times in life drawing class, I had drawn totally nude male models and that hadn’t disturbed me either - well, just as long as they weren’t watching me draw them. I’d always felt a bit uncomfortable with eye to eye contact with a nude model. I guess it’s good to be sensitive. But then none of the male models had erections. If this were left up to me, I would have preferred that they wear a small bit of fabric.

 

[Rose White]

My awareness of my father’s hidden desires always made me feel extremely unsafe and vulnerable

This resonates with me in a way that I feel unable to articulate.

Thank you for sharing your experiences.