Relationship Should I Turn My Back On Him Or Support Him After Break Up

[LDgirl]

I was only dating this guy for a month but have known him for over a year. I have always felt some strange connection with him but when we started dating it really just felt like we clicked on a deep level. We have a lot of weird things in common and very similar values.

The problem was we live overseas and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay. He dropped hints that this bothered him but since he never expresses his feelings, he didn't say it outright. He could say things to push me away but for the most part he was very affectionate. That is until it started to look like I would have no choice but to leave. He pulled away almost overnight and we stopped seeing each other the next day.

I'm still here a month later but can't talk to him without feeling anger. I know he has PTSD but I have my own problems like obsessive rumination, complicated by the fact that remember everything almost photographically. I also catastrophise. So looking back on our month long thing, I see things he did and I interpret them as him being a player and just losing attraction.

According to him he's emotionally numb in general and kept himself from attaching to me because there was too good a chance that I will have to leave. He also said he doesn't want me to start resenting him and feeling bad. If that came from a guy without PTSD, it sounds like a load of "it's not you, it's me" bull.

It's been over a month since the breakup and he's starting something with a girl who has a boyfriend and says he knows it won't last and he won't get attached. He is usually very serious about monogamy so this thing really has taken me by surprise.

Now I can't reconcile the two things. Is he a sweet guy who needed support or a professional B'ser!?!

He wanted to keep hanging out with me and talking but I refused. If he was telling the truth and he pulled away to protect himself and me from his issues I feel bad for turning my back on him. Even as a friend I would like to let him know I'm here for him. He thinks he's weird and messed up and he can't trust anyone to deal with his issues but himself. IF he's telling the truth that means I proved him right when I got angry and broke contact with him. But if he's just a slick player who never really cared about me, I'm not going out of my way to tell him I'm here while he's banging some other girl!

I need help because I'm obsessing over it. I don't know which guy he is. Does it make sense to PTSD sufferers and partners that the uncertainty of me leaving would make him suddenly start acting extremely distant? Or does that sound like an excuse?

Did I abandon this man when he needed me to understand?

 

[Jen93]

Not everyone can be a supporter to someone with mental health issues. If you can't handle it, the nicest thing to do would be to leave instead of stringing him along.

It sounds as if you know what you want to do; you just like the uncertainty and want some support continuing like this. It's not fair to either of you; you said it makes you angry, if this relationship isn't helping you either, wouldn't it be the best thing to let go?

That's my opinion. I hope I don't sound too harsh.

 

[dulcia]

Does it make sense to PTSD sufferers and partners that the uncertainty of me leaving would make him suddenly start acting extremely distant?

I think it does make sense for him to start acting distant due to the idea of you leaving.

It's been over a month since the breakup and he's starting something with a girl who has a boyfriend and says he knows it won't last and he won't get attached.

I think this is bull sh*t. It may be some sort of avoidance coping, but still smells like bull sh*t.

Did I abandon this man when he needed me to understand?

You did not abandon him, your circumstances changed. Things like that happen and will continue to happen in any relationship. As a man, he needs to learn how to handle these things and, by handle things, I don't mean start sleeping with other people's girlfriends.

I don't mean to sound too harsh either.

 

[LDgirl]

Not everyone can be a supporter to someone with mental health issues. If you can't handle it, the nicest...

No you don't sound harsh at all. I'm very sensitive and I love helping people through things even at the expense of myself sometimes. I'm learning to stop that as I get older but I still have always felt like I wanted to help people. I wanted to be a therapist actually but I'm just too sensitive.

However, if a person treats me badly or plays games I run - I do not let people just treat me badly for no reason. So not knowing exactly what is going on with this guy is really messing with me.

If he's telling the truth, I do want to be a supporter. Up until he started with this other guy's girlfriend he was one of the nicest people I knew and I adored him. I support people that I'm not as close to so how can I turn my back on him? But that all hinges on if he's telling the truth...

 

[dulcia]

If he was telling the truth and he pulled away to protect himself and me from his issues I feel bad for turning my back on him.

IF he's telling the truth that means I proved him right when I got angry and broke contact with him. But if he's just a slick player who never really cared about me, I'm not going out of my way to tell him I'm here

But that all hinges on if he's telling the truth...

He can be "telling the truth" and still be a "slick player" or a "professional BS'er". They're not necessarily mutually exclusive.

 

[dulcia]

What I am reading in this is...
If he's telling the truth about PTSD, I will still support him as a friend.
(If he really did care about me, I will support him as a friend.)
If he's not telling the truth about PTSD, I am going to cut off contact.
(If he didn't really care about me, I am going to cut off contact.)

You already know he has PTSD. In my own experience with PTSD, sometimes you just can't tell if they really do care or not.

I don't think you should be asking yourself whether he is telling the truth or not. I think you should be asking yourself, am I okay supporting him after knowing he has moved on after a month to a sleeping with another girl? Am I okay supporting him knowing this girl has a boyfriend? Am I okay supporting him knowing that PTSD can cause people to push people away, to have trouble with emotions, and for these things to happen without warning?

 

[LDgirl]

He can be "telling the truth" and still be a "slick player" or a "professional BS'er". They're not n...

THIS! It would be very helpful if you could elaborate on this point a bit. This is the part I think I'm getting stuck on. My mind sees things pretty black and white sometimes.

If the man was playing games with me, wouldn't that mean he didn't end things because of his emotional numbness or because he was uncertain about me leaving?

 

[LDgirl]

I don't think you should be asking yourself whether he is telling the truth or not. I think you should be asking yourself, am I okay supporting him after knowing he has moved on after a month to a sleeping with another girl? Am I okay supporting him knowing this girl has a boyfriend? Am I okay supporting him knowing that PTSD can cause people to push people away, to have trouble with emotions, and for these things to happen without warning?

It's hard because while it doesn't feel great that he's seeing another girl, I started seeing other guys right after we ended because why wait for a guy who isn't interested in you?

The fact that he knows this girl has a boyfriend hardens me to him though. My jaw hit the ground when he said it so nonchalantly - especially since he himself has been cheated on in the past and has never gotten over it. That he would do it to another guy makes me cringe. But I don't know enough about PTSD to understand if this reaction is common or if he really is just a selfish, cold person.

But maybe you're right, because of myself and my own obsessive ways, maybe I can't handle not knowing if I can be sure about him. I was worried because when we "broke up" I said some things that sounded like I was uncaring or unable to be there for a man who had issues - which is not true at all. I said those things because I thought he was full of it and trying to let me down easy. Now things he said make sense and even though I know I'm a good person. I feel like a bad one. I am one person who prides myself on being there and not judging people who have mental illnesses because I've been there and I've had it effect my family.

 

[mama13]

If you can support him from a distance, not falling into old patterns and romantic entanglements, then support always. The hard part is if you still have deeper emotional attachments other than friendship, you truly need to look after yourself first and foremost, especially since you are suffering as well. Sadly, he does need support though you can perhaps set him on the path to where he can go for help or remind him of triggers, etc, though still best to fix you before fixing others who you still have doubt and questions over. Best of luck...go with your intuition.

 

[dulcia]

If the man was playing games with me, wouldn't that mean he didn't end things because of his emotional numbness or because he was uncertain about me leaving?

He could still be playing games and have emotional numbness, is what I'm saying. My SO has PTSD and has always been open about his trouble with emotions, feelings and commitment. He has also talked to other girls behind my back. So in my experience? He is emotionally numb and "telling the truth" about that part of his PTSD, but he is also playing me. Because if he knew that commitment really wasn't possible, than he shouldn't have allowed a relationship with me to continue.

Again, that is just my own personal experience. But it can be an example of someone telling the truth and playing games at the same time. As @mama13 said, go with your gut.

 

[Sweetpea76]

You can have PTSD and still be a total asshole. It is impossible to tell why anybody is doing anything. It may be the PTSD or it may not be. You have to ask yourself if you are fine with the treatment you are receiving.

 

[LDgirl]

He could still be playing games and have emotional numbness, is what I'm saying. My SO has PTSD and...

Are you saying you're currently with this man, even though you know he is playing around on top of having PTSD?

Do you mind if I ask you what keeps you with this person?