Undiagnosed Was I Sexually Abused As A Child And Just Can't Remember?

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I would definitely seek out a therapist to try to work with that person on sorting some of this out. It is entirely possible that there are memories that you have repressed. It's hard to sort all of that out by yourself so it's good that you're reaching out for support and I hope you can find a professional to help you especially since whatever is going on is affecting you so much in current time.

 

[Maya]

So this keeps coming up in my mind and I feel i need to get it off my chest and gather someone else's perspective. I have someone who's really close to me family (I won't say who he is or how he is related to me, just know that he was a member that was quite close with my mum as they were similar ages and he lived with us quite often- this may not be relevant but he has suffered from mental illness). Well he lives not far from us now (I'm 16) and my mum always makes us go around to his house and stay there for long periods of time, and for an odd reason I can't, I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable in his company. Unsafe. I can't speak and cant be comfortable around him. Once when I was 14 and I was at his house me and my mum might have got into s petty arguement and when my mum left the room he locked me in his arms and grabbed my throats and went right up to my face and was repeatedly saying "you think you've grown up?" And almost spitting on me.

After around 6 minutes I got out, ran out and jumped on the train home, when I got home I was hysterical and hopeless. So it was when I was around 15 a confusing memory resurfaced in my mind, I remember one day when i was in primary school (maybe 10) I went home and it was just him there (he lived there sometimes), and I went to speak to him about my day at school and he wasn't paying attention, he just reached out and touched my breast. I just went silent, then finished my sentence, ran to my room and sat there silently confused. And I never really thought about it until recently. What was/is on my mind was whether it was sexual or not, whether it was intended. I'm still forced to often see him and feel very uncomfortable. I remember around 8 and having dreams/nightmares of me at a young age and him sitting there, and he'd be touching me. And this is weird but when I was around 6/7 he'd demand to smell my fingers.

I don't know if this is relevant but once there was a thing about his computer getting something virusy and saying he'd been watching child porn. Anyway I feel really unfortable around him and don't know what to think, has done more of this to me, what about that touch that I recently remembered?what was that? Sometimes I randomly break down because of him, feeling melancholy about a younger me, but I don't know why. Someone please give me advice. This may not seem like a big thing but I'm really lost and confused. - by the way around the time I was 10 was when I started to kind of grow breasts and after that incident, id always try to wear tight vests, swimming constumes under my tops to hide/cover it, right after that happened- I don't know just thought I'd add that as I still to this day don't know what the meaning was to that moment but for some reason when it happened I didn't react, and forgot, and haven't ever told..?

 

[Lucyriley1109]

I can definitely relate to what everyone is saying. I was sexually abused when I was 8, but before that I was would masturbate, of course I didn't know what it was then but I was still in diapers. I also would do things with cousins my age and friends. My idea. I feel extremely guilty and horrible. I am in therapy and have been for 24 years. It came up in a therapy session about me being molested bc I didn't think I was. What was done to me, didn't think it was a big deal until I really opened up about it. Well ever since then, I have had major intimacy issues. I also was sexually active. I am a lesbian. I am engaged To be married and hav completely banned intimacy. I hate feeling vulnerable and my walls have thickened over the years. I also feel like I was abused proverbal considering what I was doing at a very young age. I am working with my therapist but I'm just not getting or understanding it quick enough. It's draining and depressing. Help

 

[Cait]

Hi. My name is Caitlyn.
This is my first time speaking about this...and I've always just shunned the memories because well...they were just memories, frames of a time line that I didn't care to think about or how they affected me.
The memories I have of being molested range back to when I must have been 4 or 5. My great grandfather would always tell me to come to him. And as a child I listened to him, not knowing any better. He would kiss me, and put his tounge in my mouth. I remember feeling dirty, like what was happening wasn't right. But I was shy and didn't tell nobody. My mother never really taught me to tell an adult if something weird happens. So I stayed silent. Not to mention my great grandfather told me to not say ANYTHING at all. This happened on repeated occasions, and I'm sure he touched my body as well but I can only vividly remember him kissing me inappropriately.
I have always been uneasy when going back to the house him and my great grandmother lived on because those memories haunt me there. But I'm always forced to go because nobody knows. He is dead now but what he did to me still lives inside me.
I have been molestated by 4 men in my family and one girl as I can remember. Both when I was ages 4-8 sometimes it would just be touching, and other times I would be forced to touch their body. It was until I was older age 14 when my cousin fingered me very abusivly, and made me to things that actually hurt. Strange thing is I never stopped her..idk if it was fear or what?
However the strange thing is, it has not affected my relashinships. I'm fine when it comes to men & intimacy. I just feel like I have this whole past that I've never bothered to understand....I relate a lot with what others have said on this page......

 

[Serenity631]

So, Im 18 and just found out that i had been molested as a toddler but i sorta knew anyhow because i have memories of...

Hi Brit,
You're information is so unsettling to me because it's almost like I wrote it myself. I don't want to pry into your business but I'm curious how you discovered you were abused? My mother died so I can't ask her and my father, who I suspect to be the perpetrator, is not a big part of my life, plus I don't want to discuss it with him.

Thank you so much,
Ann

 

[tt rr]

Hi,

I also think that I was abused as a little child but i have no real memory of the event. I thought I was just kid who knew a lot about sex and touch, that somehow i just knew more than i was supposed to. I remember knowing about sex at least by the age of 3 or 4. Thats when i started thinking of my body as a sexual body. that my body wasn't mine. I would masturbate in the closet but it was a really big secret. I started keeping secrets when i was 3 or 4. i've always felt like my genitals were different than the rest of my body. I would hold my private parts every night when going to sleep. but i don't have a memory of the event. I've been depressed since I was 11 years old. And have carried so much pain inside my body that i never knew where it came from. I just felt that i struggled more than other people. That i felt things more than other people and that i was different. I'm seeing a therapist right now and we've touched on these issues but i've never really been able to vocalize it. I've just had this deep feeling for a couple of months now that something really really bad happened to me when i was a little girl that i just can't remember. I'm 27 now and have a hard time knowing who i can trust and who I can't trust. Whoever did this to me told me that i could trust them.

I've always felt alone but I feel blessed now cause for the first time in my life i can see that i have a lot of people in my life who love me and who care about me. The little girl inside of me can see that there so many adults around who are going to protect me. I've surrounded myself with a lot of strong women and i pray that i'm going to be healthy one day. Being able to say this out loud has been such a relief, like everything makes sense to me now. All of my choices and decisions and fears make sense to me now. I was taken advantage of when i was a little girl and it deeply deeply hurt me. It's okay that I don't have the memory right now of what happened or who did this to me. I just know and for now that's enough

 

[a18]

I am 16 years old and I can relate to what everyone has said. I have the memories and nightmares of abuse, I can sometimes feel it, like something is triggering it. Yet somehow I don't understand where it's all coming from I have suspicions about what could have been but my brain/ memory can't piece all together. It's amazed me to know that I am not the only one. I've considered talking to my mom about talking to a therapist but I don't want to be another burden to her. My mother is a single parent and I have a younger sister in therapy and I feel the need to be stronger because I'm the oldest. Anyways I'm getting of topic. Do you guys think I should seek help by talking to a therapist?? I fear that the therapist will think I'm some kind of sexual freak when I tell them about the sexual games as a child.

I can definitely relate to what everyone is saying. I was sexually abused when I was 8, but before that I was wo...

Hey Lucyriley1109 well I am 16 and can relate to all you have said and well you said your working with your therapist. And I was wondering did you ever feel scared that the therapist will think your a crazy freak. Like I've thought of seeking help but I am afraid. Can you please help me. Can

 

[Maura Thomas]

I just experienced a great amount of relief. Holy shit, I'm not alone! I have spent years and years feeling like a monster for coercing my neighbor and cousin into having play sex. I remember on every birthday until I was maybe 10 I would tell myself "next year when you are older you have to tell mom what you are doing". I knew it was wrong and wanted to stop but it was compulsive like you stated earlier. The only things I really remember as I child are shame and fear of someone finding out what I've done. And what I'm feeling now is just fear that nothing happened and I am the only monster there was. Could it be that I just saw an R rated movie?I mean I do rememeber another child doing the same thing to me sometime before I was 5. But he wasn't a monster he was a victim. Also my mom is NOT a reliable source but when I was 12 we were in a waiting room and the step father of the boy(I'll call him Sam) who first touched me was there. After we left the doctors mom told me Sam told someone his step dad was taking pictures of us naked. The police never found pictures and let it go. If he did wouldn't I of freaked out from seeing him? The point is not knowing what or if anything at all happened is driving me mad.

So this keeps coming up in my mind and I feel i need to get it off my chest and gather someone else's perspective. I h...

What it sounds like to me is that you feel uncomfortable around him for a reason. Noticeing what situations turn my brain and personality to mush, or who makes my body embarrassingly tense has helped me way more than my memory ever could. Observe you're instincts, they have no reason to lie and just want you to be safe.

 

[Ashamed]

I'm actually in tears right now because for years I thought I was alone. I've lived with this shame and absolute disgust for years. I never understood why I was such a sick child. The things I'm about to write are extremely disturbing and disgusting and this is the first time I'm saying any if it out loud....

I can't remember exactly what age I was but I know i was much younger than 10. I have memories of doing sexual stuff with my girl best friend at the time that I only recently remembered. I would watch porn and masturbate constantly, it was like I didn't know how to stop myself. I vaguely remember being touched by my aunt's husband and another time by my mom's friend's husband but I doubt those incidents are what caused me to be that sick. I don't even wanna say this part and I feel like killing myself for even having this memory....i attempted to do inappropriate things with my little brother... It was as though I wasn't even aware of what I was doing or why I was doing it. He was just a baby... Why did I do that?? I even touched a dog once... I made my God sister that was much younger than me watch porn with me. I tried to insert something into my anus. I don't understand why I did any of this. I have nightmares of being raped regularly. I have severe anxiety every time I'm held down or trapped in a small space. Everytime I remember these things it feels like they were dreams and I really hope they were. I only recently started to question why I always craved sex but never had sex until I was 21 and felt sick and disgusted afterwards. I took a bath and literally tried to scrub my private part off and everytime afterwards I'd feel ashamed. I find it extremely difficult to talk about sex. I don't know what to do.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( Ashamed )))
Please try to have compassion for the little girl that was, and is, still a part of who you are? Someone "introduced" sexual things to you, and you were too young to know or remember. You were only acting out what your body was feeling, and were too young to be able to know what would be right or wrong! Small children often put things like crayons into any and every hole they can find. That is normal.

I hope you will consider getting some therapy about your anxiety and shame issues? I think being held down is a horrible feeling and I would feel panic and horror any time, and every time! I have always felt horribly disgusted by my body, and have realized that it is most likely because of the way my mother is about anything that is even close to being dirty. I am sure that when she changed my diapers (I suspect she just waited until my dad got home) she was disgusted and made faces. Those things get deeply imbedded into our young and impressionable brains. I gave up on having relationships 20 years ago, and it would be sad for you to take your pain and suffering further into your life. It CAN get better!

 

[Ashamed]

Thankyou so much for this. This is the very first time I’ve shared this and I feel a little better. I suspect some of my issues started with my relationship with my mother as well. From what you’ve described my mother isn’t much different fro yours even now. When I told her about the incidents of sexual abuse that I do remember, she did nothing and I’m still forced to be in contact with one of them...which is her boyfriend. I think I’ll take your advice and find a therapist because I don’t think I can live like this much longer. Again, thank you so much for understanding without judgement.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

The messages that we absorb before we can even come close to verbalizing feelings, stay with us in such subtle ways that it just feels like we are "bad" and deserve to feel ashamed.

Learning to understand where the feelings came from, and being able to give yourself grace and understanding will make a HUGE difference! If you can... As you call around to psychology groups, you can ask if there is a therapist trained in childhood trauma specifically. Maybe your primary Dr can refer you to a group? I PROMISE that it will be worth it!!

It was hard for me to get the words out of my mouth the first time, but once I did.... it felt like a mountain was FINALLY off my shoulders... You have started the process so the next step should be a little bit easier. Believe me... No matter what you tell the T, they have heard worse. Sad but true.

Feel free to start a private "conversation"? With me (you can access that from your Profile page.)

Be blessed and find peace in knowing that you CAN be proactive in your healing. I believe that things"come up" to be healed.:hug: