The Here Is Not Enough....i Want To Control The Future..

[Rani G2]

This is a strange title, but I have been having difficulty in being in the moment.

For an example, I come home, my brain scans for things in the apartment that needs to be done. So when I arrive, I clean and put things in their place again. Then after an hour or so I think “Ok, now I am allowed to be depressed or be lazy.

I sit at home and think of things that I might have done wrong at work. There have been days, where I went to my work place at weekends to see if I have done things right. My mind is very much occupied with wanting control. This is nothing unusual after Trauma, but I feel this has taken overhand.

Its like, I cant enjoy NOW, its wanting to make the future livable.

Is this understandable?

 

[Deleted member 38644]

I do this alllll the time I thought it was me. I would go away and come back just to see if I unplugged something or think of something that is wrong because it feels wrong.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

This is a strange title, but I have been having difficulty in being in the moment.

For an example, I...

@Shankara Yes I am that way most of the time; wanting so much to feel I have more control over things I have already dealt with for the day, night and have, put in place (lived out), and then going back over these decisions, tasks, and my mind seems to be making sure I could have said, done this or that differently and better than turnout. Went somewhere this past Friday @Shankara and last night I was ruminating about my daily decisions, conversations with others, and different outcomes (had I done this or said that) and my mind drove me all the way back to this past Friday, and wanting to control and change outcome of what transpired this past Friday up to this point now is running through my mind right now. Egad. I can't be perfect and I am going to mess up, make mistakes, and I do make them, yet even when it feels like by rote my mind runs outcomes and how I could have handled things better, differently, yet I did my best, yet to best of my ability seems not to be acceptable to my mind and it still runs different ways I could have said and done things. Exhausting and exasperating. I have missed sharing and hope you are by this time resting and in as MsSpock quotes: Radical acceptance, or trying to be in this place of peace of mind @Shankara.

And I think this drive to "get it better" comes from the part of my history of being told I was never good enough (I strongly believe this wanting to do over most everything is from extreme negative. messages - the brutal mental, verbal, sexual, and physical abuse of being treated like poo by *caregivers*). My mind seems to want me to push re-do button on day to day decisions I've already made and control, control, control. Thank you for your post here - I'm going to try to be more aware of trying to appreciate outcomes of decisions already made, said and completed, rather than feeling like I didn't say, do, and think right and beating myself up over the details, choices, etc. In these day to day struggles, decisions I know there's room for the next time to learn and grow, I just want to stop rumination over not being able to turn back the clock for a do over and again practice MsSpock Radical acceptance of myself and my too wanting to make future livable. Trying to stay in the moment. Hard. Not so doable right now. 2017 just started and I am going to try and stay in moment and try to (how?) enjoy? how far I have come just in a very short time. Radical acceptance (thank you MsSpock . JadesJewel

 

[Deleted member 38644]

Absolutely!!! I do too

@Shankara Yes I am that way most of the time; wanting so much to feel I have more...

B

 

[Deleted member 37085]

B ? @Lauren Taylor? Hope all is peaceful with you this moment in time. (hug) JadesJewel

 

[Deleted member 37085]

B ? @Lauren Taylor? Hope all is peaceful with you this moment in time. (hug) Jade...

Yes, B I understand. JadesJewel

 

[Deleted member 38644]

When I hit reply I start typing but the cursor be at the enx of the sentence plus autocorrect thinks it know best

B ? @Lauren Taylor? Hope all is peaceful with you this moment in time. (hug) Jade...

 

[Deleted member 37085]

When I hit reply I start typing but the cursor be at the enx of the sentence plus autocorrect thi...

;)

 

[Rani G2]

I do this alllll the time I thought it was me. I would go away and come back just to see if I unplugged so

Lauren Taylor, thats something I share with you. I use to control over an hour, some years ago, after Therapy, clinic I only look at the cooker, tap, iron, and so for 10 mins. Although, the work, fear of Death, feeling of threat is still haunting me.

 

[Rani G2]

, and then going back over these decisions, tasks, and my mind seems to be making sure I could have said, d

JadesJewel, doing the same thing. I just find that this makes me loose so much time. So much, energy and focus trying to control apparantly random things that truly dont have that much of a significance. In my mind though I need to feel safe, so when look closer its being in a state of survival. Dont you think? I want that feeling of “NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, AGAIN“.Like, I have checked on everything, did everything right.

Yes JadesJewel it comes from a place of abuse, when people constantly say that you are not good enough.

Radical acceptence....woh.....definitely hard. I try body work, mantras, breathing....it helps for a while. Still struggeling though.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

JadesJewel, doing the same thing. I just find that this makes me loose so much time. So much, energy a...

Yes @Shankara as you just noted - definitely a state of survival. Grateful for your post here, for I am just beginning to try to feel more than just a freak show (in my mind's eye).

 

[Rani G2]

Thanks JadesJewel. What skills are there to kind of change this? Do you have any skills that works? I guess this is not one symptom you can transform, there are probably many areas...