Relationship Do You Find Your Partner Can Become Suspicious Of You?

[boodle]

"removing stressors", whatever they may be could have a short term relief, even if perhaps the long term ramifications of doing so aren't necessarily productive. More of a short term benefit at the cost of a long term one.

Yes, agreed. I feel the long term view does not even come into it in such fight or flight situations. Its immediate, its "I need relief from this danger now, this instant". The perceived danger from the partner does go away. The long term cost may be that the partner goes away forever.

 

[boodle]

What I hate is him arguing with me when I tell him the truth. THAT irritates the shit outta me.

Oh yes. I had the problem that my ex would not listen to me when I tried to reassure her or prove the truth. She would make the accusation, then blanked me out when I tried show her the truth.
I do feel that as @TheMinsterman said it is easier for them to believe you're just a liar, cheat etc because then you're so much easier to hate, this is why they argue with or ignore the contrary evidence.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Yes, agreed. I feel the long term view does not even come into it in such fight or flight situations. It...

Assumedly not if it's reflective of any other manifestation of fear, it is immediate, it is now, so the logical conclusion is all resources must be dedicate to the elimination of the imminent threat. That is if it shares traits with traditional panic attacks, everything is very insular and immediate, it's logical to not be too concerned about the future when the immediate feels so dangerous.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Oh yes. I had the problem that my ex would not listen to me when I tried to reassure her or prove the tr...

I think it is in the immediacy of a threat, it's easier to process somebody as a threat and deal with them accordingly in comparison to opening yourself up and trusting they won't betray you or hurt you. I've found it's pretty fruitless to argue the point, my SO/ex-So deep down knows I'm not any of the horrible things she says but if that's how I am perceived at the time trying to clear my name is a fairly pointless endeavour that doesn't neither of us any good.

I've learned to simply remove myself and resume the conversation when her high alert mode has dissipated slightly. I'm doing my best to make it clear I am here if required, but otherwise I'm not going to get into a debate when neither of us are arguing (in the academic sense not the having a fight sense) from the same set of understood "rules". I have to respect her perceptions at the time and resume when she's feeling a little safer, I tend to not be a suspicious bringer of doom then.

 

[boodle]

I describe it as playing a game of football (soccer) only now offsides are legal, fouls aren't punished and you can pick the ball up, but I'm still playing by the well known and established rules, not quite understanding the new rules because they've never been explain to me, but the other players are getting angry at me for not knowing.

I do like this analogy, its a great way of explaining what is going on.

Removing yourself when the accusations/arguments start is, for me, the best way of not inflaming the situation. The issue here for me is that the verbal attacks became so frequent, they were becoming impossible to avoid. I have had to finish the relationship. My ex is not receiving therapy and is self-medicating with alcohol. I think this could also be contributing to the situation.

 

[scout86]

Self medicating and not getting actual help is a bad combination A's not very promising

From a 'dealing with this stuff' standpoint, my T tells me I need to learn to engage the higher cognitive parts of my brain. In other words, stop and think. He encourages that by asking pertinent questions that require thought. On one occasion, some stuff happened and I more or less called him a liar. I'd he had responded to that with something that amounted to, "No, I'm not." it wouldn't have worked. Why? Because that's what every liar I've ever met says. (Of course, it's also what people who are NOT lying say.) Instead, he investigated what had led me to that conclusion.

Of course, HE is getting paid to be patient. And I'm not mean. I don't know that he'd put up with that. Is bet not for long. The thing to remember, maybe, is that when this happens, you are no longer really operating from the part of your brain that's fairly uniquely human. Your operating from the more primitive part that simplifies things down to pure survival. To get back, you have to find a way to shift gears.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I do like this analogy, its a great way of explaining what is going on.

Removing yourself when the accu...

Yeah removing yourself is best for both of you, naturally when you're attacked you'll defend yourself, they'll feel even more threatened in what is already a very frightened state and you just end up hurting and upsetting each other.

Walking away may piss somebody of in the short term but long terms to far better than arguing, which can only accelerate splitting for both parties.

The alcohol will be a temporary mask for the issues as it is for most problems people use it for. You did the best thing for you both getting out of that situation.

 

[boodle]

You did the best thing for you both getting out of that situation.

Do you think so? I'm still going through the motions of 'Did I do the right thing?' I feel terrible, almost like I failed...failed her in particular.

 

[Friday]

Has anyone else experienced such suspicion? Do you feel it is linked to ptsd or something else?

Sufferer here. I've never understood people getting upset about being vetted. So that tells you my own stance on things :whistling:

Related though, when it's a friend/family member doing the due diligence? To my own way of thinking, that's a mark in their favor. They have people in their lives who care about them enough to do so, and moreover, aren't idiots. I love it when my sigOther isn't friends with morons! Makes my life much simpler. A few times, though, skeered the shit outta me when the person I'm dating comes to me with "the face". The they are in deep trouble / have seriously f*cked up / we need to talk / expecting me to be angry face. And then ooooooooh. Flooding relief. Oh. They want a response from me. That's sweet, babe. :inlove: And their sudden confusion. :confused: Which confuses me but I try and roll with it. For true. I understand people get upset about this kind of thing, I just don't get why. x1000 if it's their job. Just like, duh. Security clearance. Hello. It matters who you're f*cking.

Related to PTSD? Shrug. IDK. Vetting just seems like common sense to me.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Do you think so? I'm still going through the motions of 'Did I do the right thing?' I feel terrible, alm...

Those are natural, but you have to remember you're not her saviour, you aren't duty bound to fix her nor can you. You stayed as long as you could, you have to remember you left for a reason, you can't neglect your own well being forever, you can't become less than you can be just for her comfort.

She's clearly in no position for a relationship, you're not there to toss abuse at whenever she feels upset or hurt.

Down the line if things change? Who knows. Right now? You did the right thing, your boundaries were overstepped.

 

[Friday]

I'm still going through the motions of 'Did I do the right thing?' I feel terrible, almost like I failed...failed her in particular.

The only way you can fail someone in a relationship, IMO, is to lie to them (or yourself) and waste their time staying with when it's not working / keeping that bit secret. That takes away their choices (to stay and try and see if it can work if XYZ is changed, or can be changed... Or to go... The mutual decision thing), and their chances to find someone who can be a partner to them & they can be a partner in return. Cheating is only one example of that kind of betrayal, although it's one of the better known ones. Doesn't mean it's wrong to stay together when things are hard, or you don't know if it will work, or not. But if you know this isn't going to work for you? You don't string them along, lie, and betray them. You find your balls, and do the right thing, and break up with them. Just because a relationship fails, doesn't mean the individuals in the relationship failed.

...it is easier for them to believe you're just a liar, cheat etc because then you're so much easier to hate, this is why they argue with or ignore the contrary evidence.

This alone would have been more than enough for me to end it, with whomever, & whatever their issues are/were. Anyone who hates me? Can kiss my ass. Sayonara.

But that's the thing about dating, though. It's all about lining up preferences. And everyone's preferences and personal scales of what they love-like-don't mind-dislike-cannot abide? Are different. You put up with a helluva lot of bullshit I don't tolerate at all, meanwhile I have no problem with the thing that ended you two. Everyone has their own spectrums.

You're bad, they're safer without you etc. Projecting that onto you would reduce the guilt of cutting you out.

I'm the opposite. I'm a terrible person & I know it, they're safer without me. The guilt comes with staying, not leaving.

 

[boodle]

Sufferer here. I've never understood people getting upset about being vetted. So that tells you my own s...

Thanks for your reply @Friday
I think on reflection, the main issue regarding being vetted was my ex finding nothing at my address, therefore assuming I was an imposter rather than suspecting the search may have been incorrect! But the biggie for me was she then didn't allow me to reassure her by offering her proof. Almost as if she wanted to see me as someone bad. Please bear in mind, this came about 7 months after being together and it came out of the blue. It came not long after she said that no one had ever made her feel like I did. It came not long after her saying she had found 'the one'. There was no reason she gave why she suspected I was some kind of imposter. I think in normal circumstances, if someone suspects a problem, it would be respectful to allow the other person a fair chance reply to the accusation.
She has CPTSD from abuse as a child and also abuse from a previous relationship. My thought is seeing me as someone bad maybe fit her view of how relationships work? Maybe getting close to someone triggered an emotion where she saw that love means people harm her. She couldn't understand that there maybe relationshps where someone doesn't want to harm her. I don't know, its all my speculation as to why it happened.