I Need Touch

[DiamondBug]

I have this feeling I need to be hugged by my therapist. I feel like it would make me open up so much more. It's always the moment when he's like "we have to stop there", I stand up, literally face wet with tears, trying not to even look at him, he opens the door for me and my heart sinks as I walk out. It's like I ripped my own heart out by talking about the things I do, to walk out feeling so alone and dirty. I know he watches me until I turn the corner of his corridor because I hear his door close when I'm out of sight, I always think I just need 5 more minutes. At the end of every session the first place I go is the bathroom, I can barely close the door before I just breakdown, in sometimes in more tears than I have in therapy. I don't know why this is? I don't know where he stands on hugs, I don't know whether it's against the psychodynamic approach. I don't think it would even have to be a hug just touch in general. I don't even know whether it would help me, I think it would, because the few times when people have hugged me when I've been really upset and crying, it's made me open up more, which is something I do really struggle with. I am a survivor of bad abuse, rape, torture, etc. But I'm pretty certain it wouldn't triggered me if he touched me. I feel like human touch is something I really need, I never received literally until I was about 17. I don't know whether it could be considered wrong because I'm a girl and he's a man. I have never spoken about the things I've talked to him about, so there's so much emotion in what I say. I literally hurt after some sessions because what I say. I just feel like a little hug won't do any harm? Then I think I don't know whether I'd want to let go. I don't know how I feel. I would be so embarrassed actually telling him about this, because if he rejected me, I don't know whether I'd be able to regain my trust for him back, I'd feel like there was something wrong with me that's why he doesn't want me near him. I don't know whether this is normal?

 

[SophiaWisdom]

I don't know the psychodynamic approach really well but I can speak from my experience. I'm starting EMDR and my T reached to hug me when he first met me but I turned it into a handshake only because I'm celibate this year (and my T is somewhat attractive and I tend to attach easily to males). But I do know many Ts DO hug - I've only had female therapists before and 2 of the 3 offered hugs towards the end or asked if it was alright to put a hand on my hand when I seemed to need comfort.

When I was in my MFT program I took somatic therapy and we were taught how to touch therapeutically and ethically - if touch is something that you feel you need, a trained and licensed somatic therapist can address that in a safe, therapeutic way. I know a lot of the therapeutic and coaching techniques I respond well to have always been somatic because so much of our trauma is stored cellularly. Tension Release Exercise therapists work exclusively with touch because of the nature of PTSD.

I hope this helps - just my own personal experience. Much heart to you.

 

[Arebas]

I think this is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. We all need human contact and touch. More so when we're hurting. My T hugs me at the end of every session and it does feel good. I don't see why he would reject you, even though you're a man and a woman there's nothing sexual about a comforting hug. Then again things might be different where you live. But either way, even if he says it's better not to hug, he will be kind about it, there really isn't anything wrong about that request, I'm sure he'll understand. I think it would be a good idea to talk about it with your T. At the beginning of the session better than wait to the end when you need the hug. I'm sorry you feel this, it's lonely feeling so disconnected.

 

[Eagle3]

My therapist is a male, and I'm female, and we hug at the end of every session. He's an Ego-state therapist who does energy healing and TCM as well as other trauma-related therapies. I will never forget the one session he held and rocked me for about 20 minutes just because I expressed a very serious NEED to feel non-threatening touch. I've been too scared to ask for that again, but I wish I could, and I'm PRETTY sure he'd do it.

If we need something, its best to ask. Even if for some reason this particular guy won't do it, he'll be nice about it and may even send you to someone who will. We all need healing, healthy touch, and if we don't get it, even as adults, we cannot heal properly. I actually slipped into a decline similar to "failure to thrive" in infants, hence why my T was so ready to actually therapeutically touch me. More T's need to be trained in proper use of therapeutic touch. We'd all be so much healthier.

 

[Teamwork]

Wow really? Getting hugged? Can't imagine mine doing that. But what I did feel from this post other than that is that it sounds like you need a fifteen minutes before we end approach to ending a session. Mine used to call times up too and left me leaving in a state of confusion and questions. So once I recognized that I didn't have the same sense of time as he did I requested a times up notification at least fifteen minutes before so that emotionally and thought wise I could leave more cantered and ask questions. If you can't ask about touch just yet ask about a way to end less abruptly so that feelings can settle with him.

 

[amosmorris]

This is an issue for me too since I struggle with feelings of being repulsive. My T def does not touch--at least she makes no movement towards me--and I completely relate to how you describe the end of your session @DiamondBug! It feels awkward to get so upset in front of someone you know won't reach out and grab your hand (I think even just this gesture would be enough)...I feel so far away from her. I do think this holds me back too--like I can't let myself "go" fully because I don't want to feel so objectified (an issue for me too), where she can't do anything but sit there and look at me. Ugggggh. And I say all that and should add that I adore her and she's working so hard and pushing herself with me. But I get this and it's an issue.

 

[Panda Bear]

My T and so hug after about 90% of our sessions. Some weeks, I just don't want to be touched. Some weeks he asks, and I reject him. But most, it's just a thing we do as part of our goodbye.

Hugs have been a part of our routine for a little over a year. Initially, he brought them up and introduced the concept. I've been VERY ANTI-TOUCH from the start and he really wanted me to be okay with human contact. He suggested that one day, he'd like to offer me a hug, and he'd like me be okay with it. I freaked out and ran from his office and swore I'd never touch him...ever!

Took me six months to get used to the idea and he left it alone until I came around. On our 4th anniversary together, I asked for the hug and he jumped at the chance.

Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that you won't know until you ask. The worst part will be a possible no, but it's almost better than stewing in our own fears and what ifs....

Just ask, as scary as it may seem. Just try and see.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

My therapist is a male, and I'm female, and we hug at the end of every session. He's an Ego-state therapis...

Wow I'm so jealous! lol in a good way. I would LOVE to just hold people for any amount of time but my therapist is so attractive to me right now that I can't go anywhere near him until my transference calms down lol. I'm a social dancer and even though I absolutely despise most of the people in my local dance scene, I go because sometimes I just need a man to hold me (and I'm celibate this year and recovering from dating addiction so I have to be careful with physical touch otherwise I'm going to end up attaching to or hooking up with someone).

@Panda Bear this is so helpful thank you so much - I'm going to just wait a while until things are comfortable for me before I even entertain the idea

 

[mrsmegan]

T and I hug at the end of every session, and oftentimes more than that. Touch is big for me too - because it helps me feel safe and I open up more and helps me to let go to emotion and actually cry. T and I have talked about it several times - in terms of both being on the absolute same page that there are no inappropriate feelings in either direction - usually from me constantly asking if he is okay with it because I feel so dirty and not worthy of it, he is more than okay with it, and even is glad that there is something he can do to help me open up more.

My advice to you, @DiamondBug is to talk about it. I know it is scary to ask T about things that are really vulnerable, because they are close to your heart, but I can almost guarantee it will not be the first time he is asked.

 

[catch the wind]

That is the way in which they have been trained and I feel it is wrong,I have never gotten anywhere with a t like that. I am so blessed that I have a T that is opposite,he wrote this book that EVERY T needs to read.I would pass on the info about the book to your T.

Book is called "Working From The Heart" by William P.Ryan

Moderator edit to remove copy-paste. Please see: Copying And Pasting Articles: Guidelines

 

[joeylittle]

@catch the wind - your post has been edited to remove the full copy-paste of the book's promo materials.

It's absolutely OK to recommend material to each other; we draw the line at anything pointing to sales or promotion. Thanks for understanding.

 

[Lissar]

Different therapists have different perspectives and different training on using safe touch. It is actually unethical for a therapist to use touch unless they have training and supervision in using it in a healthy way.
I NEED a therapist who uses touch, it is the only way I feel safe enough to open up, and so have found one who does.
If you ask him and he says no, it is not about you. It is about his theoretical orientation and his comfort level in his ability to use touch without hurting you.
I would encourage you to talk to him about it, and if he feels unable to help you meet that need, find a therapist trained in it who will. Hugs can be so healing, and a hand to hold while talking about trauma can make all the difference in feeling safe and staying grounded.
Sending safe hugs, if you'd like them.