Grief - The Loss Of Our Old Self

[Grama-Herc]

You can also greive the loss of what might have been, ya know. Grieve for lost opportunities. Lost time. Just because you greive in this procees of acceptance does not mean you are giving into the PTSD.

We must learn HOW to live with this condition, not fight it. IMHO, this is part of the process.

 

[a3a2]

I have on and off grieved for the one I might have become, but I find the grief so overwhelming, so paralyzing....I just can't go there again anytime soon.

 

[Lionheart]

I sometimes grieve for loss of self, lost opportunities, a life that might have been. Still, I do have the life I got and I have made tremendous growth since I began battling PTSD and child abuse traumas. I have grieved on and off for years the unconditional love I didn't get from my parents. Knowing that no one else could give me this, I then became determined to give unconditional love to myself. Especially when I don't feel particularly lovable and no one else seems to care.
In this process I have lost a lot, but some of what I lost were friends who were not really my friends, an unconscious death wish, an addiction to alcohol, a wounded ego, self-loathing, low self esteem, shame and guilt. Good riddance. I have spent a decade grieving losses and I will still, sometimes in the future, feel the need to mourn. I think the trick is to move through the processes of grief with a bit of gratitude for what we are becoming, knowing that we have a better chance to live fully in the present, when we have let go of the past, let go of the losses, and embrace our new "self." Although part of me will always be in mourning, most of me is involved with living a better life than I otherwise would have had, had I not been diagnosed and treated.

 

[Sasha]

Grama, it makes perfect sense and is an interesting topic. Recently, I've been pulling out some pictures from when I was young. I look at the pics as if I am
looking at another person and feel sad for what that little girl suffered thru. It's all very strange, I have big gaps in my memory from that time period. Sometimes my
brother (who has an awesome memory) will tell me a story about myself. It encourages me to fill in some blanks, but also makes me sad as well. So, I think you are
right about grieiving our loss.

 

[goingonhope]

I think the trick is to move through the processes of grief with a bit of gratitude for what we are becoming,

What a great reminder Lionheart and IMO need this is. Well said! And, thank you for posting.

Grieving is so much a part of everyone's life that it saddens me so when anyone freezes, stiffens, remains numb and or disconnects so that such a gift and process ceases to be available to them, and/or permissable to another.

The sadness, the tears and the pain from losses, along with the healing and rejuvenated spirit that follows is just as acceptable and desirable as laughter, joy and participation and actions, of many types, within life.

I think some other real, personally value-oriented, tricks (if that's what they should be called in context here) are successfully encouraging others to acknowledge their grieving, and their enormous loss(es) and to really reach within and outside of themselves for support and help.

And, yet another is to get across a reality that sadness and tears and grief are considerably more a strength then any weakness, when and if, such painful emotions, exists following deep loss(es). ......Anger and separation/isolation is not the only response to grief, pain and suffering. Indeed, anger is the cover-up which once removed reveals what lies beneath. I like to ask myself what am I feeling beneath my anger, and what is this I would so like to cover up and escape.

Which brings me to what I find the most difficult thing in this world and this is finding others who care and are available to not fear delicate emotions which seemingly are by 'norm' considered: Unacceptable!

And, when and if ever so fortunate to meet and connect with such people or person, for me not to turn, run and hide in acquired(ing) shame, distrust and fear.

So presently, I'm again not really grieving as I need to, nor am I any longer trusting anyone in this aspect of my life, I look forward again to my tears and the footing and insight which follows for me. I look forward to such a release again, though I won't feel like it when and if it happens again. Also, I'll make sure God is present, and it is God prescence alone that I will ever rely upon for any comfort during my sensitive grieving, and not until.

 

[skyp56]

I also believe that we have to grieve for who we could have been, if nothing else. I seem to be stuck in the grieving phase, and get angry at myself for a seeming lack of progress out of it. I am working on myself, but my husband says he can't see any progress in me for the year I've been in therapy, and just newly diagnosed with PTSD. He says to me a lot "You're having issues today, aren't you?" Which doesn't help, of course--just makes me more self-conscious about how I'm interacting with everyone. I've recovered enough, though, to be able to come back to him and say "No, you are the one with issues today." And he agreed, so he knew I'd been watching him after he said that to me.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I am beginning to wonder if what we feel is regret rather than grief. I looked up the actual definition of the word and it means:
An intelligent or emotional dislike for personal past acts and behaviors. But, some of our past acts were done due to the affects of PTSD so, which one is it?

I've done many things that have caused me to grieve. I grieve the lost years with my daughter. That was a direct result of the PTSD and I do regret everything I put my daughter through. So what emotion am I dealing with? Regret or grieving or can it be both?

 

[louisa]

Thankyou for this thread. I have tried to explain to some friends and relatives that I am not, and never will be the same person, but they seem to be wanting the old me to come back. They don't understand. They can't even be bothered to read about PTSD. I have lost most of my friends and have now started to loose family because they don't like the new me. I don't really know why. I don't think this new me is a horrible person but she can be very blunt and tends to say what she thinks. I am also very depressed so I suppose I'm not much fun.

Sometimes, I think maybe it's a good thing that these particular people have left me because I think they had a tendency to be either manipulative or over-powering but the new me seems to react to this by telling them to, '**** off'. As a result, I have lost them! But I feel very unliked and unloved. I am isolating myself more and more. I hate this insane planet full of war and suffering. And the new me just keeps looking down on everyone and thinking I am better than them, while they have labelled me mad simply because I have clinical depression and PTSD. Sometimes I fear I am going mad - but then I look at whats happening in the world - Afghanistan, Palestine, torture and abuse, and think - No, I am not mad because I wouldn't hurt a fly. Can anyone relate to this. I may not be writing very well at the moment as I seem to be getting worse - not bette,

Louisa

 

[heather q]

Louisa,

I can relate, I'm inbetween, I have lost all family, don't belong... I isolated for years and now I'm trying to recover from the isolation and deal with all the memories that are finally showing up. I went to therapy today and for the first time stood up to him. Told him want I want of him, to help me out of this stinking mess. I'm getting better but in the process I'm getting into the can of worms much deeper. I'm finding rejection is a friend, it is so comfortable, I know what to expect. I hated it when my kids rejected me because I felt so bad, now I realize I can choose to say that I don't really care right now, I've bigger issues I'm working with. That helps with the perspective.

Loved, I don't relate to that, I changed my name, I use my second name, my sister named a dog after me, my original name, and sent me a picture of the dog pooping, I told the T today about that, he said anyone would be upset about that. I said why, yes I was upset but I don't know why. I still don't know why. I think there is so much that I can't connect that I don't know what to think. I feel so alienated, I do what other people do, talk, chat, smile, but there is nobody 'real' home.

I have been lost for so long that I don't know if I'd know what caring would feel like, I don't intentionally hurt anyone, but I hurt myself because of the state I'm in. I don't suppose you're going mad because you're writing about it, I think that is the difference, if you're going mad you don't worry about it. So all is well, at least as well as can be, under these circumstances. And to think, last Sunday I felt worse, that is about all I know.

I went through some pictures of the family etc., it seems so distant, I recognize people, they're almost all smiling, but I'm not connected to them, that was a long time ago, so long ago, I didn't realize it would get like this, I thought families cared, I thought we'd all stick together, I thought families meant something, I had expectations that even I can't live up to, let alone expect them to, I got out of the family and then it was whole. I think if I'd stayed I would have messed it up, at the same time my brother said I messed mum up by leaving. I figured out I'd done enough damage so best stay out of it all together. I had to isolate to recover myself, now I want to function better, so it's learn now what I didn't learn as a child. Learn to accept myself and let other people be who they want to be, that's part one for me, take it easy on myself and most of all, the hardest thing is to stand up for myself and actually be present in my own life. Now there is a concept.

Heather

 

[Grama-Herc]

Heather,

I can only offer an example of the affect not having family in your life is really like. Because my daughter was raised by my undiagnosed PTSD, she had a horrid childhood and cut me out of her life a quickly as she could once she got of age. She was gone a very long time and I did not know where she was for many, many years. It hurt. I cut my mother out of my life and it hurt too. I ran from and still run from any kind of commiment and it is way to lonely. I found myself isolated with no one in my life. No one to help me when I was sick. No one to just call on the phone so I could connect with someone I knew loved me. Get some family back in your life. If they don't understand, then they don't. But you need family and you need them before they are no longer around. That is a sad but inevidiable fact of life. Don't let them slip away without you.

I have since made up with my mother, accepting her no matter what, and my daughter finally came back into my life--on her own, I might add. There is nothing in the world like this feeling.

 

[ams]

I'm just starting to feel grief whenever I think about what happened to me. Part of me was killed by someone else' hands, and eventually I knew I'd never be the same person. Then it happened again, by someone else. But I was starting to have a new life of my own again (I almost said have my life back, but it's not coming back) when that part was killed too. I mean I guess it's good that I didn't have much of a life yet, again, so it's hard to get attached that quickly (?), but still. It's MY life and if I'll be done with it when I say I am. But when my therapist and I start talking about the events, I get really sad and feel grief. I hate feeling grief.

I usually avoid it, for as long as I remember I've always done this. I don't go to funerals...but I've been to two in the past four years. I've known a lot of close friends/family to die. I don't want to let myself fall apart grieving, because people need me to be strong for them, and feeling that grief is a horrible thing for me.

 

[louisa]

Thanks to heather and this thread

Louisa