I Hate This About Myself...

[Overcoming]

Abandonment...loneliness...isolation...rejection... Some of my greatest fears. When I attach to someone in a friendship, these things are always in the back of my mind. Am I a good friend? What if I do something that drives them away? Am I being annoying/needy? What happens when they tire of me and move on? I'm not as fun/enjoyable as their other friends, because I'm a burden. These are the thoughts that usually bombard me. Sometimes, it leads to me drifting away from the relationship to avoid being left, other times, I'm afraid that I push in too hard. Cancelled plans are a hard blow for me. It's stupid though. I feel like I'm ranting. When I feel the fear of abandonment, loneliness, isolation, or rejection, (or it really happens), I experience intense wrist and hand pain. If it is really bad, I might have chest pain too.

 

[Rani G2]

Abandonment...loneliness...isolation...rejection... Some of my greatest fears. When I attach to someone in a friendship

Hey I'smom,

i have a similar emotional-thought structure like you do. Man made disasters bring these massive relationship deficits, so I know very well what you mean. My T always encourage me (With guidance) To be in relationships with other human beings (I have a partner). I only have 1-2 people I can call friends. I have a difficult time letting others in, and I still prefer isolation. If someone doesnt behave the way I want them I cut them off. I have difficulty in understanding that others as individuals have their own expectations. In a way I behave like a spoiled brat. But slowly I am trying to change.


S.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I also have a difficult time. I have a couple friends, I have an adult son whom I love, and can spend all day enjoying his company. Same with my mom now that my issues have been resolved with her and she is having therapy too. It has changed her communication style. I am friends with my ex husband, and I have a friend with PTSD. That is my world. I have to keep my stress to a low level or I regress. PTSD will also trigger my chronic pain as well as the opposite. You are in good company here. It sucks, I know, but it is part of the PTSD package for some. I know some people have worked their way out of it, so never give up hope!

 

[Bristol]

I totally get this to, i could have written your post, i need to find a way around it because the isolation is starting to eat me alive!

 

[Sense Itive]

Abandonment...loneliness...isolation...rejection... Some of my greatest fears. When I attach to someone...

I feel the same way as you describe feeling all the time. You are not alone.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I feel the same, too, rather often. I've been with my husband for 15 years, married 10 of those, and I still worry and wonder when he's finally going to tire of me and my needy self.

Most of my "friends" have put much distance between us, most especially after I changed my lifestyle to plant-based/vegan. I hadn't realized up until that point just how deeply we include food and beverage in our social lives, nor how aggressively some folks defend the mass destruction happening to simply appease our taste buds.

On top of all of our other issues, we're apparently hard core food addicts, too, being purposely fed s**t by shady industries and such banking on our repeat business, which leads to repeat business for the medical industry, and so on, and so on. Ugh!!! Sorry for the tangent, it just trips most all of my triggers when I think of it and it spills out.

Feeling like an awkward alien in most spaces, except in nature. Still working on making my own heart the most comfortable space I can reside, but it's seen so much devastation that it's hard to focus on the beauty potential most days. If it weren't for my sense of humor about it all and that precious space of child-like wonder that still resides within, I'd have left this existence a long time ago. I'm convinced many of my chronic pain issues are a result of unhealed emotional wounds, but dammit, it's incredibly difficult translating them with much accuracy as they're so many and they like to travel.

 

[Overcoming]

Thank you guys for speaking up and sharing. Sometimes I feel like there is something terribly wrong with me. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one.

 

[Will86]

I used to feel the exact same way before, You feel like it is you against the world.

Good thing is, it's curable.

Most of my "friends" have put much distance between us, most especially after I changed my lifestyle to plant-based/vegan. I hadn't realized up until that point just how deeply we include food and beverage in our social lives, nor how aggressively some folks defend the mass destruction happening to simply appease our taste buds.

It's definitely not you or meat lovers the problem, it's your friends, if we can still call that ''friends''.

Ps: I love meat but we can still be friend if you want, I don't mind :roflmao:

 

[DharmaGirl]

Most of my "friends" have put much distance between us

When I quit smoking years ago, I lost several friends who smoked. At the time I was really polite about people smoking around me, I still am, but now I have Pulmonary Hypertension, and every lungful of smoke hastens my death.

I eat eggs, because I keep pet chickens and it makes no sense to me to waste them, since they will never be chicks unless a hen goes broody. I also continue to eat meat, much to my dismay. I'm taking a year long course in cooking, and I'm looking forward to all the new vegetarian dishes I'm going to learn!

 

[Overcoming]

It's been a rough one again. I only have a couple of people who I feel close enough to confide in. When I have time scheduled to spend time with them, I look forward to it. It's a relief to be myself and share my thoughts, which I don't do with everyone. A friend had to cancel plans for today at the last minute. I'm irritated with myself for being disappointed and realizing just how important that time was. I had needed to process my thoughts/emotions with someone. I struggle with trust and feeling like people are reliable. It seems so incredibly selfish, I know. I am annoyed that I allow myself to be vulnerable with some people, despite having had it blow up in my face before. I was already worked up a bit and I have felt like (okay acted on) self-harming. I piss my own self off. I just feel impulsively angered. Does this make sense? :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

[DharmaGirl]

@I'smom, I understand. When I messed up my appointment time at the therapist, I actually attempted suicide and was in the hospital for a week. I understand the abandonment feelings, if that is what it is for you. Can you be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to be disappointed without being angry with yourself? It is quite a normal reaction to be disappointed when plans fall through, it's just turned up louder with PTSD. Do you have self soothing techniques? (That always sounds like something dirty to me, lol).

 

[Overcoming]

@DharmaGirl Lol. It does sound kind of dirty. :D I do struggle with abandonment. The issues with my narcissistic mother exacerbate it. If she can't use/control me, she doesn't bother with me, and I've put up boundaries. Sometimes I struggle with thinking about how anyone could love me unconditionally if my own mother can't.