General What To Tell The Kids?

[desperate]

My husband got a much-needed day off yesterday, and was actually excited about going to see my son get his new belt in karate. I was thrilled about that, since he so rarely shows any enthusiasm for anything. But of course there were a lot of people there and it was crowded. He has developed almost a phobia of crowds. And since he is incapable of showing any emotion other than anger now, he was in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I tried to let it go, although I wanted to shake him until he realized he was ruining his kids' day. But later in the evening, Andrew asked me why daddy didn't want to see him get his belt. I told him daddy was sick, and sometimes even if he's really proud of him, he can't always tell him. Andrew SAID he was okay with it, but I could tell he was still hurt. I don't know how to explain this situation to a five year old. Any ideas?

 

[ISupportHer]

This really touches a nerve for me. My daughters are in their 20's. I've kind of decided I need to back off from public details that would be hurtfull if my wife happens to visit this site. I guesss that ship has sailed but I won't add fuel to the fire.

Anyway, this is one of the areas that bothers me. I feel like things changed slowly and I just did what I thought was right. Only recently, as I have developed an adult relationship with them (as opposed to me being the Dad of a teenager) have I come to understand how much this has affected them.

 

[strugglingdad]

Ouch. Damn PTSD. Those around us suffer more I think. Wish I had an answer for you...and mine.

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Desperate -
I think you handled it the best you could. Daddy is sick - does wish he could be there - but was unable. Five is a tough age - I don't know that anymore information given would help (he may not understand or worse may take on worrying about it more). Hopefully another carer (I'm a sufferer) with some experience can help more - but I'm so sorry that he was not able to be there for your son.

 

[fin]

Congratulations to your son on gaining his new belt in Karate. I am sure you are very proud of him, and the day off too is no bad thing as we all need time out sometimes - enthusiasm is wonderful but It is difficult going some days I know. and I remember what it is like going to such a crowded place too. It is hard sometimes when struggling -with people crowds and paces like that. Please try to be proud and un upderstanding when they over coming so much to do some things It is amazing what can be worked through
I know it isnt easy and it can be so very painful anger is a dangerous thing esp left aside -unmanaging and there is not always any escaping that -feeling and being vulnerable is frightening and it can often take time and understanding to heal - compassion is a wonderful thing I hope that this helps in someway
If you are desperate and struggling please remember to take care of you first, finding a shared voice has helped me in and an understanding and common ground that will be able to nurture and help with answers for the right feelings is necessary in my belief, we have to also strive somhow to be happy ourselves, my son has seen me along for a long time and he worries about me and try as I might it has in some way affected how he sees things, my self doubt has affected his confidence we can tell our children we/and they are blue in the face that they are wonderfull etc but they wont always understand happiness unless they see it for themselves
Unhappiness they see it easy no problem o
The hurt and pain can take a long time to go away from when we are little it I understand is difficult talking a five year old back+down it is never easy explaining feelings and ptsd to any age
you have my respect take care ~

 

[Lucy Loo]

I don't think there was much else you could say. Maybe when your husband is in a better frame of mind, you could suggest he say something to your son about how proud he is of him.

I have a 6 year old and an 8 year old myself. Just being open and honest about things (without going into too much detail) is about the best you can do.....and hope and pray that it doesn't affect them too much or that they don't think it's their fault.

Good luck :)

 

[Nicolette]

I agree with Lucy Loo (Lauren). Be open and honest but at their level...in other words tell them the truth without too much information making sure they realise "Daddy" is sick and they have done nothing wrong. Children can blame themselves if their parents don't do as they expected.

I would however add a little more detail letting Andrew know "Daddy is sick and sometimes being around too many people (or in crowds) makes him feel worse but I know he did want to be there and is proud of you for getting your belt". The reason I would include the information about the crowds is so Andrew has something to identify the sickness with and it will help him build up an understanding eg...Too many people + Daddy = Daddy may get sick and most importantly it does not equal Andrew's fault.

 

[Lucy Loo]

I would however add a little more detail letting Andrew know "Daddy is sick and sometimes being around too many people (or in crowds) makes him feel worse but I know he did want to be there and is proud of you for getting your belt". The reason I would include the information about the crowds is so Andrew has something to identify the sickness with and it will help him build up an understanding eg...Too many people + Daddy = Daddy may get sick and most importantly it does not equal Andrew's fault.

Awesome tip Nicolette.