Knowing The Moment You Became Hopeless From Abuse

[Someday Soon]

Originally: Realising what was actually happening to me was wrong, being abandoned when the perpetrators were finished with my used soul, leaving me in the pit of my overwhelming despair turning to S/H to cope, perpetrators tearing out diary pages so no one else would find out. Dragging myself through two attempts to leave this earth and finding the strength to go on. Years later: (whilst some abuse is still happening daily)' becoming so entoxicated at a party because I could not stand people and the smell of cologne that I end up having the same thing experience happen all over again and as such, the box breaks, the hinges explode and I am left walking along this earth an absolute shattered mess of dissociation, S/H, disappearing, and an idea for self destruction with hopes of a future possibility. Meanwhile the perpetrators? "What did I ever do?" ... Or even " It only happened once" Ha if they mean once a day for years, yeah.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

I left home about 10 hours after high school graduation,

I too split immediately after high school graduation

This is the first forum where I have found not just one but a bunch of people who did what I did. I left high school after three years and went straight to college to get away from my NPD/abuser mother and it was SO HARD but best thing I could have done. I estranged myself from her for 5 years but she occasionally stalked me and then I tried to have a good relationship with her but last year I finished trying finally after 3 decades.

As for the question - I go through periods of low points (making me wonder if I have dysthymia but I'm less concerned with exact diagnosis right now than with moving through my treatment). The last low point I had was two years ago exactly, actually, after I pre-grieved and then through copious friend support left an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissist. It took me a whole year before I started feeling normal and it's still not totally healed.

As for earliest moment of low point turning I can't remember...I wonder if it was when I was in San Francisco almost 10 years ago - ironically going to grad school for to be an MFT. That sounds about right...although I did finally get out of it and had hope again until 2 years ago.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Freedomfighter My moment was just part of a reign of abuse, my abuse inv...

I get you @recoveringfromptsd.

I know where you are coming from, I tried to figure that out but recognized that since my own fa...

@Freedomfighter certainly ID'd here with your post. Yes, fire extinguisher is always within arms reach these days. Thank you for your truth and post.

This is the first forum where I have found not just one but a bunch of people who did what I did....

@SophiaWisdom I am trying hard not to attract narcissists; past relationships and current if not careful - it's like bees to honey. Run Forest Run! And I do mean I tuck tail and run, run, run from emotionally abusive people. Sophia Wisdom and when I can't run ie. business (bills, shopping, church, etc.) relationships, I am learning to instead of numb out, and/or semi-dissociate from abusive people in front of me, I again am learning to articulate and assert. Thank you for your personal story and truth.

My sibling was returned to our home after something happened at the fosterage. I never found out why. Giv...

@J'qel being around my sibling is like walking into a burning building and just standing there; I relate.

I left home about 10 hours after high school graduation, and never looked back. I don't know if my fami...

@Lynn49 great for you for you knew to leave. I did not know way back then that I need to go. Putting yourself through school what an incredible success! Congratulations! What willpower. And definitely getting away from parents was best thing you did to free yourself! Please permit me to say w/o sounding the least bit like a parent, I am so proud of you! Reading your post here - Hope springs eternal.

Originally: Realising what was actually happening to me was wrong, being abandoned when the perpet...

PIcking up the pieces @Someday Soon that's what you (we) here are doing; and we don't have to do it alone - be alone anymore. Not alone. Understand how gutwrenching and soul destroying what perps did to you. Perps in my life did same to re: destroying my core being. (((hugs)))

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

for me I still had fight in me but after I was betrayed by DSS who should have put a stop to the abuse, the fight left me when I was raped by a staff member and had to be compliant to avoid more abuse afterwards. After that I started going into a dissociated world in my head to survive, and when they had their 2nd camp in 1978 I was very different, I stayed away from everyone, would not even take a show because the showers were outside and communal. They even had one kid who had lice, I refused to even let them come near me to check me. I even tried committing suicide while at that camp.

 

[Someday Soon]

@JadesJewel, totally, the hardest part about being in this, is realising that even know we feel alone there are many who would step in and save us in a heart beat. It my life to fall apart to realise that there are some people out there that aren't as bad as I believed, my perceived safety net was the sole thing destroying my life and making me too afraid to realise there is a world outside of the pain and suffering.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@Someday Soon I hope to fully realize once completion of emdr that there are people out there (in the world) that are safe, and trustworthy. I will never again, however, put anyone up on a pedestal. The kindhearted and loving people in my life have told me not too for they will knock themselves off.

Yes, I have caring people in my life at moment, yet, I am so immersed in recovery and T sessions - that are slowly changing brain to better process information and also desensitize and reprogram thoughts, feelings, of self and others, that I have little time (although I make a tad bit of time) to bond with others on a deep personal level. I must learn to trust myself and go through emdr before I can try and learn to ever trust anyone else and choose healthier people to be around and interact with in a caring and loving way. Thank you for sharing that yes, there certainly is outside of my pain and suffering. I must choose wisely with whom I now trust and share my space and time with. Thank you! JJ

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

Speaking of EMDR my trauma therapy wants to begin that with me.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

Speaking of EMDR my trauma therapy wants to begin that with me.

I immediately found a therapist who specialized in this after having someone from my Christian recovery group recommend it as extremely effective. I have a thread where I write about starting this process under "Therapy" if you want to look for it - I adore my therapist and my life has become IMMEDIATELY better once I started seeing him. We haven't had a strict EMDR session yet - we're still in history taking and establishing trust mode.

@JadesJewel, totally, the hardest part about being in this, is realising that e...

Yes - this happened to me when I became debilitated by my current CPTSD flareup. 80% of my social group abandoned me, but my church stepped up and saved my life (they literally drive me around and make sure I eat - once when I collapsed at church they fed me by spoon) so I have healed tremendously by their mothering.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

The moment I became hopeless from my abuse was the day I saw two people murdered by a crazy man, whom I later learned was my father. I was three years old.

The crazy man took me back to a coffee shop where he had met with my mother previously. She left with me babbling words which described what I had witnessed. I spoke my four words again and again; "doo-doo, boppy, icky worm." My mother, a Narcissist with a second personality disorder, told me to stop that baby talk. From that day forward, I retreated within myself and dissociated and developed PTSD. I know that now by the symptoms I suffered from that point going forward.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

The moment I became hopeless from my abuse was the day I saw two people murdered by a crazy man, who...

Understand about the moment you became hopeless. Oh, I'm so sorry you went through Hell too. I'm here. Whenever you wanna talk. Hug for you if you accept. JJ

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I definitely accept hugs JadesJewel. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I definitely accept hugs JadesJewel. Thank you.

Me too, so more hugs for you :hug:hugs:hug:! JJ