38 Year Old Supervisor Dating 18 Year Employee

[whiteraven]

PTSD/age issue aside, this is a work relationship that is 1. clearly against company policy as @Muttly stated and 2. it's a supervisor dating and/or fraternizing with an employee, which is fraught with all sorts of issues. At the very least, this has the potential to create huge (potential legal) issues for the supervisor and the company, depending on what sort of privileged or confidential information he decided to share with the employee.

We had a similar situation where I work. A manager was dating an employee - it started out quite innocently, but he used his position to take her away from her work at all hours so they could have sex in various parts of the building during work hours - and it escalated to the point where he was providing her confidential information on other employees (including home addresses and salary information).

The OP may be reacting and responding to this as a trigger, but this situation has the potential to blow up into something really nasty. This is not just an older man coming onto a younger girl or vice versa. This is a relationship between an authority figure and a subordinate.

And as a side note, just because a person is triggered by a situation like this does not necessarily mean their gut feelings are off.

 

[Muttly]

I agree. That would be like my husband dating a girl younger than my youngest son. That's messed up.

well, there's nothing in the company policy about age difference and dating, the issue is he's her supervisor.

@Friday and @Suzetig I see your point. At the same time... if you knew a 38 year old dating an immature 18 year old, wouldn't that give you pause? I mean, not talking about actionable or anything else, just on a emotional level I guess. Or does that seem fine and normal to you?

does your company have a written policy on workplace relationships? if not, then it's fair game for workplace romance (which is almost always a BAD idea). If there is a policy...

Yes, there is a policy regarding managers/supervisors having relationships with people they supervise. And yes, I know I'm projecting my history onto their relationship. I thought I conveyed that. If it was just a work issue, without the PTSD issue I don't think I'd be posting about it. Then it would just be annoying and stressful

I mean no offense when I say this .... but I don't think you're reporting it solely to cover your own ass because she knows the safe combo. It seems like you have deeper reasons for wanting to report it, and it probably has something to do with your family dynamics, as you mentioned.

I never said I was reporting it solely to cover my ass. However, that's what made it an issue I was willing to push past all my fear and muddledness and say something. I work in a place where theft issues are a very big deal and we just had a supervisor fired for stealing (which is why the safe was recently changed). I've also gotten in trouble in a past job for having knowledge, even though I didn't do anything, of something against company rules. So yes, I did want to cover my ass. Apparently I wasn't alone in that, because one of the supervisors who I told had already reported it by the time I talked to the manager.

We must work in different situations because I wouldn't say it's common for middle age *supervisors* to be involved with much younger subordinates. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, just that it's not a common thing in the places I work.

As far as, is it causing any problems... well, I went light on details because of time and because I was admitting to and focusing on my PTSD issues. She is unproductive and unfriendly and constantly gets away with it. She follows D around instead of doing her work. There is talk that she helps him pull the tills, which would also be against the rules. This does create problems. If nothing else, it makes everyone elses (like mine) job harder. If she's being held to one standard when D is supervising and another when I am... that's messy. And what about the other staff who see what she gets away with? I know the one other supervisor is very uncomfortable with the situation and the other is at least somewhat.

At the end of the day, reporting this guy's relationship with the girl will accomplish nothing. It will create drama and probably get the OP ostracized at work. I also don't see any urgent need to report it -- texting while at work and displaying affection at the work place is inappropriate, but it doesn't seem like it's going to cause anyone harm. It seems like pretty standard behavior at many work places.

Seems like it'd be more valuable and productive to continue to examine why this guy is "triggery."

Hmm... seems like you might be making some assumptions? I said reporting it would probably create two enemies but said nothing about getting ostracized. Quite frankly, I'd be shocked if that happened. Some folks might not like it. Others would. And many others would be oblivious. And I am certainly working with my T, on the triggers regarding this situation.The two aren't mutually exclusive and I fully acknowledge that I do have triggers around this situation.

Thank you. All the comments have helped me think things out more. As it stands, I reported what T told me and found out that it had already been reported. heh. It kind of left me uncertain though, not knowing what else they said. I wasn't sure if I wanted to say more and then we got interrupted by a more urgent matter, so I left it at just sharing the info about the safe combo. I will talk with R and A and find out more about what they said.

 

[Suzetig]

At the same time... if you knew a 38 year old dating an immature 18 year old, wouldn't that give you pause? I mean, not talking about actionable or anything else, just on a emotional level I guess. Or does that seem fine and normal to you?

Nope, it doesn't seem fine and normal, but my radar isn't always good for that kind of thing because of my own experiences. Whether it gives me pause for thought (and it would) is one thing, whether there was action I could take is another. You're entitled to your own feelings about the relationship, there's just not much you can do about it because legally they're both adults.

 

[Muttly]

@Suzetig Yes, I basically agree. Thank you for answering.

 

[Gs172003]

Nope, it doesn't seem fine and normal, but my radar isn't always good for that kind of thing because of...

I answer these things as the parent of daughters.

 

[Socha]

You've been with this company for only 2 months so if I were in your situation I'd be careful with all the talking about other people at work and wanting to find out information about stuff that isn't shared with you by choice. If your supervisor and colleagues don't share information with you without you asking about it, it's probably because it's none of your business.
Just be good at what you do, be a positive person people like being around and situations like this will solve themselves much quicker than you might think ;)

 

[Suzetig]

I answer these things as the parent of daughters.

And I answer them as someone who, as a teenager, was sexually exploited by someone 20 years her senior. Both perspectives give us something but I'd suggest that "something" isn't objectivity.

 

[Gs172003]

And I answer them as someone who, as a teenager, was sexually exploited by someone 20 years her senior....

Regardless no matter the age a boss dating their employee is unethical. It reeks of playing favorites.

 

[watundah]

I agree with @Socha, as you've only been there 2 months, will you raise attention as a trouble maker, possibly? I think that there's a good chance this work romance will fizzle on its own given the situation. I also find that almost every job comes with some sorts of quirky people and dysfunction..and if it didn't impact me then I usually sat back and let the trainwreck happen. Yes, it's wrong about the combo and I can see where you may be concerned if something came up missing, etc, and I am sure security is a valid concern for management. I understand when others say it may be triggers firing that make this a bigger issue for you, too. Not an easy fix. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Casey_03]

Hmm... seems like you might be making some assumptions? I said reporting it would probably create two enemies but said nothing about getting ostracized.

I didn't mean to imply that you said you'd be ostracized -- that is just my guess. I thought that was clear, wasn't putting words in your mouth. It's just that in my experience, every time I've seen someone report inappropriate relationships at my places of work, it's usually been frowned upon by that person's peers and given them a reputation for being a troublemaker or attention seeker. Again, I'm not disagreeing with you about the relationship being inappropriate and creepy -- it'd freak me out too -- but I think it will cause you more trouble than it's worth to report it.

 

[bumbleweed]

@Muttly,
It totally sounds like D and T have become quite the item!
I think its kinda gross; old guy, juvenile adult girl.
They are both of legal consent, though.
What seems fishy is how they are in this constant contact & she's
asking about safe combinations...sounds to me like someone is about to get robbed-
D & T(Bonnie & Clyde) are machinizing!
If it were me, I'd lock my belongings in the trunk of my car,
I'd make mention of this awkward bond, and keep an emotional distance from the love birds.

*if you want to 'get Bonnie's goat', ask her who will stay working if she gets preggers?

 

[Muttly]

You've been with this company for only 2 months so if I were in your situation I'd be careful with all the talking about other people at work and wanting to find out information about stuff that isn't shared with you by choice.

I probably wasn't clear. The reason I have been talking with A and R is they have both made unsolicited general comments to each other in my presence and to me about D and T. That's why I felt safe talking to the the two of them about it and why I haven't talked about it to anyone else. That general conversation between the three of us has been about the awkwardness that is felt around D and T.

I think that there's a good chance this work romance will fizzle on its own given the situation. I also find that almost every job comes with some sorts of quirky people and dysfunction..and if it didn't impact me then I usually sat back and let the trainwreck happen.

hmm...interesting. I didn't even think about the romance fizzling on it's own. That's a blind spot of my own, that I should ponder.

This job seems to come with more than it's fair share of quirky people. :p :) There are other situations where I am sitting back and letting the train wreck happen.

@Socha and @watundah I do hear what you are saying about being seen as a trouble maker by management at least, if I bring it up after being here for such a short time.

I didn't mean to imply that you said you'd be ostracized -- that is just my guess. I thought that was clear, wasn't putting words in your mouth.

:) No worries. I didn't think you were actually putting words in my mouth. It did seem you were making an assumption about the culture of my work place. I understand that was based on your experiences.

@bumbleweed hahaha your post made me laugh. I don't think I have to worry about any Bonnie and Clyde action. I am certainly going to be cautious around both of them. They certainly both have bad boundaries. I don't know completely get "Bonnie". I wonder sometimes, with the way she acts, if she wants to get caught. She is the one who divulges all kinds of info about their relationship. She also seems to like to show off what she knows. I think maybe she was sharing that she knows the safe combo to show how important she is?

Anyway, backing up a bit. So where I stand now... I reported what T told me about the safe combo. Someone else (R or A) had already reported it. That's all. I will let that be all for now.

The relationship of D and T does impact me, in the sense that T does not do her job well and doesn't follow rules (like using her phone) and I supervise her. I haven't been holding her to that standard because it will probably go straight to D and it's hard to enforce inconsistent boundaries. I am going to carefully start enforcing the standards. If problems arise from that, which are a result of their relationship, then I will deal with that.