Spiraling Downward Fast

[FauxLiz]

So things have been going downhill fast the last couple days. Work is a constant challenge and this week has been the worst in a while. I haven't been this depressed in over a year and just this week I have really struggled with S/I. It is bad enough tonight that I refuse to leave my room because several times today I have thought about how easy it would be to throw myself over the half wall by the elevator from my floor (I am at a seminar staying in a hotel and my room is on the 5th floor). Because of this seminar I had to cancel my appointment with T for today and am just not sure I will make it to next week I have a very good relationship with my T with an agreement that I can email between sessions (it allows me to sometimes communicate things between sessions that I need him to know before the next one) or text if things get really bad. I have emailed in the past but never texted. I can't go to the ER or call 911 because in-spite of HIPPA laws because of what I do for a living my employees would know and it won't be private.

I guess I am looking for advice, do I honor my safety plan and text my T or just try to tuff this out.

 

[ladee]

You can honor your safety plans and text your T. Its a frightening place to be..but you are very aware and aware you can reach out To your T.
Try to do a few things to get yourself grounded in the meantime. You do not have to be carried a way with the flood of feelings and thoughts.
Contact your T and let us know how you are.
Gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[FauxLiz]

@ladee thank you for responding. I ended up emailing my T and then crawling into bed. He responded first thing this morning and we are meeting tomorrow but I am struggling to get through work today. The entire time I was driving in I was evaluating the trip for potential methods. I cand up with at least 3 options I am struggling to concentrate at work as everyone is stressed out and all I want is to just find somewhere to hide

 

[ladee]

All you have to do is keep distracting yourself until tomorrow. Do some grounding techniques.
When your mind goes there make yourself stop and think of something else.
But if you can not wait call suicide hot line..go to the ER.
Call a friend.
You said you came up 38th three ways...what stopped you? What ever it takes just get thru till tomorrow. And be honest with your T so he can help you. Ask him for distractions..breathing..
You are doing good.
Find something that gets your mind off of planning.

 

[erigby]

@ladee thank you for responding. I ended up emailing my T and then crawling into be...

I hope you are ok.
I am sorry you find yourself in this place.
I am grateful your T is meeting with you tomorrow.
Watching ridiculous videos on Youtube has been known to help me through these dark moments.
Keep at it.
Keep us posted.
We love you.

 

[FauxLiz]

I met with my T this morning and he was compassionate as usual. I hate that I took up a part of his weekend. I hate that I have been sitting here all day thinking about cutting, thinking about is there any way I can get something that will just make me numb. I understand the things my T was saying today about having to believe that I am worth being alive that until I change my mindset I will always struggle and I have know idea how to do that, to learn to like myself.