Looking For Someone To Call Mom

[Deleted member 38644]

I just want a mom and dad. I look around and see others happy with families but I long for that love. I was never paid attention to and always was perceived as a mistake. I want someone to be able to understand PTSD even be able to learn about it. I only get told the reason I'm here is because my dad gave my mom what she wanted because she wouldn't leave him alone. I want someone who will give me that love and bond. I want someone who wanna sit down and talk to me. I can't count how many men with different situations in violence that I was between. Over 30 men has been in and out of our home when I was young and still happens. As long as I could remember I would see men go out the house. I was never paid attention to. I can't recall a day in life where she didn't bring a different guy around me. she stays in the room with them. When she cooks I couldn't eat much. She would call the police on me dozens of times for men because I was too young to go anywhere. She did things to take away my life in order to save hers. Today she called in to work to be with a guy. He came into the house at 12 last night. she wanted sex from him. now she asked me to take her to work I said no. Her job is 1 minute away. I'm tired of her being tricky with these scheming plots. Both of my parents think I can be bought. I don't want to have money for just things I need and ask for, I want to be taught about life. Teach me something. Teach me anything that can prepare me but they didn't. I was treated like a mistake and they just had to live with that mistake for 23 years. When I transition over it will all be new to me. I crave that parent bond because I never had it. they used me to pay for their mistakes. Out of anger they did to me what was done to them, so basically I paid the price of being brought into this world. I write journals and etc on here. All I want is a mom.

 

[VioletButterfly]

It has been my experience that true healing comes when we can look within ourselves for what we need instead of looking outward for someone else to fill our needs or fix us. Therapists and doctors are there to help us, but we do the real work. Friends are there to be companions, but we are the only ones with ourselves 100% of the time. Self-reliance is key, I believe. I also turn to my faith, but even then know that in real time it's me helping myself that will get me through.

It is great if/when we can get to the point of having healthy relationships so that we have people to share our lives with, but I think we first have to build a relationship with ourselves. If we're already in a relationship, I think we still have to build a healthy relationship with ourselves. You, who are in relationships can speak more to this than I. I'm not so good at boundaries, but I'm working on that as well as building the relationship with myself. I hope that makes sense. It's just where I'm at. I think the hoping for a family dream has taken a backseat to hoping for a healthier relationship with myself for now. One day at a time.

 

[Deleted member 38644]

It has been my experience that true healing comes when we can look within ourselves for what we...

Thank you so much this means a lot to me. I'm just totally lost and I am so far behind. I stayed moving from house to house. Nothing was stable. I felt as if I was a payback

 

[IamFree]

I really hear you..thats what I really wanted and I used to look for parent figures but this can be problematic as no one out there is perfect and you can end up feeling disappointed and abused again...I have learnt recently that if are real parents cant give me what I need the parent has to come from within me ...it sounds all a bit airy fairy but I really believe there is a divine parent inside of us that will teach us and take care of us.

 

[VioletButterfly]

It has taken me so much time to get to where I am. I always think I've run out of time, that I'm too old, that it won't make a difference.... Those are jut the never and forever lies that keep house somewhere up in my head. One moment at a time is how I try to steady myself. Staying present in the moment and not looking back. Just keep hanging in there and hanging on. Hold tightly to yourself, believe that you are important - that you are the priority in your own life.

Have you read any books on mindfulness or self compassion? I've had to learn how to do this. It's harder than heck, but so very much worth it. It's very slow going for me, but I'm working on it. To even get to the point where I thought I deserved compassion took quite a long time and I still slip. Recovery is never linear, I don't think. Any small step is a good step. It's about intention sometimes, even when what you try goes south - at least you tried, right? I'm still very much in the middle of this recovery thing, suffering greatly, but trying and trying and trying. Good days, bad days, not so good days...... Working on staying present and being a human being, not a human doing.

The gratitude thread is a good one to write on out here (Social). It keeps your mind focused on the positive as the negative noise swirls around in the background. I sure wish we had butterfly emojis..... Sending :):):) instead.