Things He Won't Disclose

[Uka]

I am having a hard time managing and dealing with the things my sufferer will allude to but not disclose entirely.

He has PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and has a very hard time with guilt and shame, and also with trusting people.

There is a general air of secrecy about him that he is trying very hard to break by opening up to me, however, he often alludes to things then doesn't have the courage to fully disclose the nature of whatever it is we're talking about.

An example would be that he alluded to the fact that many "things" were going on when we first started seeing each other, things that were serious and impacted his behavior. I have no idea what that could be.

Or, he alluded to the fact that his relationships with women have been problematic in the past, sexually and otherwise. I have no idea to what extent or severity. He could mean anything by this.

Or, he recently alluded (under tears) to the fact that he needs to find another therapist. He doesn't trust his therapist anymore and is quite seriously distraught by "what happened." It's his therapy, of course, but I can't help but wonder what happened between them. Was he abused? Or did the therapist inform him he will have to report him for something he did or is doing?

You can see, when things are alluded to but not fully discussed, imagination can run wild. Honestly, I'm embarrassed to say HOW wild my imagination can run.

There is no way I can push him to talk about things he does not want to talk about. It's been made clear that some things are frankly too traumatizing to talk about.

Is this something you have dealt with? Any tips on how to handle those parts "that shall not be discussed" and build trust on that basis?

 

[Imep]

If it can't be discussed, just don't discuss it.

Don't discuss the thing.

Discuss how he feels if he feels up to it, what can you do to make it easier on him, and how it affects your relationship.

Discuss what it does for your daily life. How that can be managed & improved.

 

[Uka]

If it can't be discussed, just don't discuss it.

I understand this, theoretically. Of course he shouldn't be forced to discuss things he doesn't want to discuss. However, it is hard to build and maintain trust when you are never privy to the true, hard facts of things. How do you know what you're dealing with?

I love him, I think he is a good person. But this is not my first rodeo and I'm far from naive about the things people would rather "not discuss." How would I know what he's not discussing isn't actually a relationship deal breaker for me? How to a retain a semblance of personal control within the relationship when the facts are hard, if not impossible, to discuss?

 

[Adene]

Your knowing what you're 'dealing with' doesn't take priority from his survival.

You DO understand discussing trauma - that is often not even possible to verbalize, or not in a way others who didn't come through it would relate to even remotely - can make a person suicidal really fast? Or self destructive in other ways that lead to death?

This really isn't about him not sharing things.
This isn't just about privacy. This is about the life he's lived.

 

[Uka]

Your knowing what you're 'dealing with' doesn't take priority from his survival.

No, of course not. I think it's a bit of an absurd statement to make here. I never implied that my need to know certain things trumps his well-being.

I also understand that discussing trauma can make things much, much worse. And that is why I would NEVER pressure him to disclose details of his trauma if he isn't ready. First, it's none of my business, and second, I don't think I need to know them.

But there are other things that relate to us and our relationship, but aren't directly part of his original trauma (but maybe symptoms of it) that I would appreciate knowing in order to make my own informed decisions about the relationship.

Is there an addiction at play here, was there in the past? Other destructive behaviors? What am I dealing with here? Whatever the things he's alluding to, not being able to know all the facts make it hard to build trust.

 

[Efaw]

Is there an addiction at play here, was there in the past? Other destructive behaviors? What am I dealing with here?

Ah, different situation / different questions, got it.

Can you ask about it? Even indirectly, as 'You know, some people who've been hurt for a long time react in those ways', make it about someone else / create distance but a space to talk if he might communicate that way easier?

 

[Uka]

Can you ask about it? Even indirectly,

Unfortunately, I can't really. Or, I can, but he will quickly get panicked and shut down. He has accused me of "forcing him to talk" before and I am now trying hard to respect his boundaries, while also getting what I need to maintain a trusting relationship with him. Hence my question here.

As I said, he has a lot of shame and guilt. So in those moments I don't know if asking him to elaborate triggers old shame and guilt, or shame and guilt about things he is doing now.

It's a good idea to try and make the conversation about someone else, get him talking that way. Unfortunately, he's sharp as a tack and would be on to me in t-5 seconds. I don't think that would work.

 

[Uka]

To clarify, I am not talking about discussing his capital T, original trauma. That's understandably as off limits as he wants and needs it to be.

I am talking about perhaps the symptoms of his trauma. The coping mechanisms and behaviors that have resulted from his trauma, which, being his partner, I would need to know about to build a trusting relationship.