Strong Si Thoughts- A Stupid Dramatic Post

[Muttly]

maybe the voices in my head are right and I'm hopeless and pathetic
maybe I should just give up
maybe I should stop coming here and whining and hogging attention
maybe I should stop acting like my problems are real and big and appreciate what I have and the opportunities I have
maybe I should get off my ass and actually do something... like taking my meds
maybe I should send my therapist the update she asked for
maybe I should just give in and self-harm, I'd be able to do something then
maybe if I give in and self-harm I won't be able to keep control
maybe the voices are right
maybe I need a med change
maybe I'm clinically depressed again
maybe there's something else wrong with me or this is a fibro flare and the fatigue is real
maybe tge voices are right
maybe it's not a big deal if I self-harm again.
maybe it doesn't matter if I've gone months without self-harm
maybe all the changes I've made lately are a huge mistake
maybe the voices are right
maybe I'm not trying hard enough
maybe this is a waste of space
maybe I'm posting and taking away care and concern from people who actually need it and deserve it
maybe the voices are right
maybe I should get off my lazy ass and walk the dog (and take my meds) and empty the litter boxes
maybe I really am disgusting and the slime I feel onme is real
maybe the voices are right
why can't I get my shit together?
why can't I get off my lazy f*cking assand function today?
why can't I get shut the f*ck up?
why won't the voices shut up
I'm sorry I'm so needy
I'm sorry this post is so stupid
i'm sorry I'm taking up space
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't even know wht for.All the sorries in the world will never be enough

 

[Joan]

Just wanted you to know that I hear you. Those voices can be very loud....i am so sorry they are screaming at you. I will argue that this is not a stupid post at all. Please keep reaching out....Take sweet care of yourself....call someone...go somewhere....

 

[Killashandra]

Don't you worry @Muttly what you've written is what I am feeling right this moment. The endless confusion the endless worry, it all gets too much for one brain.

So your not alone with these feelings .. not at all.

 

[Muttly]

@Killashandra I am sorry you are struggling also. please hang in there.

.Take sweet care of yourself....call someone...go somewhere....

I copied the post and emailed it to my therapist. I also sent her a text and told her I'd sent an email. I don't normally send the text even though she's told me many times that I can and should.

I can't pull it together enough to go anywhere. not even walk my dog. I feel guilty about that. I feel like I'm letting him down. I did manage to do the litter boxes and take my meds.

And I hate the phone so no calls. And I don't really want to bother anyone anyway.

 

[Muttly]

actually this is just an attention seeking post
just ignore us
thiswas stupid drama seeking nonsense
we are fine
we are always fine
are only problem is we making stupid needy posts when we should shut up
sorry

 

[ladee]

And maybe I need to have a talk with the voices..
To shut the F up and let her have her feelings!! To let her ask for help because she needs validation..not to be cornered with no place to say how she feels!
The voices are liars. Ugly liars.
You are heard.
You are validated.
And not self harming is an accomplishment ..a HUGE one.
So it's up to you to listen that it's ok to self harm. It isn't. You are smarter and stronger than the voices.
At least take the dog outside..even four feet. F those voices!
Lots of gentle hugs

 

[Justmehere]

To the voice that says this is an attention seeking post:

You DESERVE attention and support for the pain you are in. I'm really glad you posted.

There isn't any way that a post from you could even take away from others. Frankly, it helps others to know they are not alone in what they struggle with that is so very similar. That's part of how this forum works for everyone.

You have done a good thing to reach out, and in super glad you did.

The super judgy voices that are trying to shut you down, maybe thank them for trying to keep you safe when silence was needed to be safe.... and remind them, it's ok to talk now. It's good to share and reach out. It's how you will find support and safety now.

:hug:s

 

[Muttly]

@ladee @Justmehere (you posted just as I started to reply) thank you. your replies are helpful

I don't understand why today is so bad.
gah, trying to write an actual coherent reply but it's not working well.
I will walk my dog to see the river. that's a short walk and the river is flooding and that's always amazing to see

do you ever get SI thoughts that are so strong you can actually see and feel it happening?
sometimes I wonder if that's a bit of PTSD,in a way, from my past when the SI was out of control
I have this idea, of something to do, that shouldn't need medical care but would be especially painful for a while.
it's hard to get that idea out of my head

@Justmehere you sound a bit like my T. you are probably right, the voices are just doing what used to work. I can't bring myself to thank them right now though. it still feels like they are right and I should shutup. And... since I emailed and texted my T, I keep hoping she will answer. dumb. I hate needing her.

 

[Charliethedu7]

If nothing else, this helped me to realise I am in the right place, as I've just
joined; I worry that I am constantly "attention-seeking", when in reality I barely receive any.
Keep your chin up, friend.
The fact you talk with yourself means you're still alive (which is a good thing!)

 

[Justmehere]

do you ever get SI thoughts that are so strong you can actually see and feel it happening?

Yes! Totally.

I too wonder if it's a PTSD trauma thing about the SI itself.

Glad you are going for a walk and I hope the river and the walk helps the SI thoughts to pass more quickly.

One thing that helps me resist really strong urges is to remember that the feelings the SI sort of temporarily pushes away or works out - by using SI, it will biochemically (through the endorphins of SI) pull me into the numb-flood cycle and they will only come back later even stronger. My fear of the emotions and thoughts being stronger sometimes helps me delay SI long enough for the bad spot to pass.

 

[Muttly]

Ok, take two. When I got up to walk the mutt a couple things happened. First it started raining super hard. Like tropical storm hard, but a good bit colder. And I got really light headed. Hadn't eaten today. Probably not been doing such a great job in general. I don't think it's eating disorder/anorexia issues. I think it's functional issues. Then again someone inside might be back into the anorexia routine. Anway, I ate and will try to walk the mutt again (he does have a yard to potty in, so I'm not denying him that).

@Charliethedu7 You are definitely not alone and welcome

@Justmehere yes, you are right about the SI.

I think maybe the only way out of this, is to try to figure out why I'm so triggered. I haven't been able to talk to the others (DID) in a while and typically we've had decent communication and cooperation.

I don't know. I wish giving up was an option

(whine whine whine)

 

[lux.]

actually this is just an attention seeking post
just ignore us
thiswas stupid drama seeking nonsense

@Muttly, I just wanted to add to the other voices telling you that we hear you, validate your feelings, understand, and don't judge. I have totally felt pretty much everything you have described. I especially related to the above quote. Not only do I often regret reaching out for help, but I also very often doubt myself to the point that I think maybe I'm making up my symptoms or exaggerating them. When I was a kid, I was always told that I was needy and being a baby, and those voices got internalized. So now I always tell myself there's nothing actually wrong with me and I'm just a faker/being overdramatic/attention-seeking/etc.--which are like the worst insults ever to me because of my past. It's very painful, so when I read your post I could really tell that you were hurting very much and feeling intense shame on top of the depression.

But I know that those voices that wrote that post are wrong--you are not just seeking attention or trying to be dramatic. You are legitimately reaching out for help for very real problems from people who are very willing to provide you all the support we can. Let us be the voices that negate the messages you're getting from the evil voices in your head.

I'm very proud of you for reaching out to your therapist even though you're not really comfortable with it.