Struggling With Sexual Transferance

[Gs172003]

This makes more sense. Seems like they used to call this "projecting"


Transference - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Gs172003]

I would likely transfer my fear of the dogs that bit me on to other dogs that had not yet bit me. So...

Wrong person. I'm not the mom person.

 

[Justmehere]

Oops, my bad. Sorry.

 

[FauxLiz]

@pixel you make a very good point about attachment to my current T although I can't say that I felt that way with my last or at least not to this extent. That attachment could play a part in this erotic transference but I do know that it is less about him and more about displacing/replacing those feelings/emotions that we are working through to find health ways to deal with my mind reading and negative self talk as it relates to the men in my life professionally and personally.

 

[SophiaWisdom]

When i first came into therapy my therapist had to peel me off of him. Then id get massively...

This is the best quote I have ever read in my life. It so aptly describes what transference can feel like!

I have major positive/crush-like transference on my T and because I also went to school for MFT, I fully expected something like this and I'm actually riding my transference wave to help me establish trust with him as quickly as possible b/c I don't know how long my health insurance will last so I'm using it as much as possible right now. I know it sounds horrible but the financial constraint is a reality.

I stay completely conscious about my transference by talking about it all the time - like every day - with either public social media (that will keep you honest lol), my own diary where I laugh at myself and treat it like any other crush on someone totally inappropriate for me, and friends. I'm still early in my therapy with this guy so if it grows uncontrollable I will bring it up with accountability partners and him. But for now, I'm consciously using my transference to try to make gains as quickly as possible in my healing.

 

[Frenzy3674]

Probably why it's best to stay with same sex or the sex you aren't attracted to therapists

I'm a lesbian, I'm terrified of males. My T is hetero married with kids. I chose her purposely and transference still happened.

Yes because not all dogs are aggressive!

Just being honest.

But it's not about what is true. I get that. I trust no men. I won't even give them a chance. Are there good men, sure. I'm not willing to find out which ones are.

 

[FauxLiz]

I am still struggling with this. We touched on it briefly when I brought it forward back in Aug. but it has from my side continued to intensify. I am so ashamed and embarrassed that I rarely look at him during out sessions. I know that we need to discuss it because I have started taking from having a crush to near cyber stalking. I found his Facebook profile and through some other snooping I have discovered his thesis paper, location of his previous practice before he move to this region. The biggest thing that I am ashamed and embarrassed about is my infatuation crossed the line to invading my fantasies that I can't talk to him about because they are related to re-enacting my rape trauma's.

 

[Frenzy3674]

I am still struggling with this. We touched on it briefly when I brought it forward back in Aug. but i...

I haven't told my T that I'm attracted to her. Not sure if it's transference or if I just have the host for her.


Hots

 

[FauxLiz]

The thing is the way I feel isn't like I have felt before. That is how I am certain it is transference. I am hetero no question there but of the men, the boys, the abusers one and all and the men I used to bury the pain, the shame and the guilt I have never considered changing part of me for them. With my T I want to get physically healthy, lose weight, exercise because I want to gain his approval. I want to be able to look at myself and believe it when he says that I am NOT a vile worthless piece of shit meant to be used and thrown away.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But it's not about what is true. I get that. I trust no men. I won't even give them a chance. Are there good men, sure. I'm not willing to find out which ones are.

I would likely transfer my fear of the dogs that bit me on to other dogs that had not yet bit me. Some of those dogs may be aggressive, and others not. But yeah, sure, I would struggle to trust other dogs. Hopefully over time, I would learn not all dogs are the same as the ones that bit me, and I would get to know those safer dogs and experience dogs being safe and fun and cuddly and be able to work through the fear of dogs. I would hopefully learn how to relate to the healthy safe dogs as the safe dogs that they are, and not what I feared them to be.

This quote by @Justmehere explains transference so well. I have no idea where I was when it was written but this makes more sense to me then anything.

So @Frenzy3674, that fear of men is transference in of itself. You are transfering your thoughts about men on all men because men hurt you in the past.

I fear women the same way, and I am female.

Sorry if I am repeating or not making sense. Lights just went off in my head about transference and how it plays a part in all relationships. I think it is much more commonly spoken about and known in therapy because it is where you are unconditionly accepted, cared for, have 2 way trust, understood, etc. And you are speaking of the "unspeakable". You are "baring your soul". So it is much more common for it to happen there then anywhere else.

And yes, it does not matter the gender or sexual orientation for erotic transference to occur so to try to avoid it that way isn't possible.

With my T I want to get physically healthy, lose weight, exercise because I want to gain his approval. I want to be able to look at myself and believe it when he says that I am NOT a vile worthless piece of shit meant to be used and thrown away.

But why is that bad? I mean you want to be more physically healthy. You want his approval, yes, and though thats transference, that isn't really bad from how I view it. But maybe I am wrong.

My therapist's opinion on anything trumps anyone else's. Even my own. Now he will usually ask "what do you think about ____?" and makes sure I give my opinion on it before he gives me his opinion on something because he knows his opinion on something trumps all others, including my own, in my mind. So thats what I mean by transference being worked with. He knows that if his opinion on something differs from my own, I will take his and make it my own. If that makes sense. So he works with that by making sure I state my opinion before he gives his and he will even work with my opinion to give his so I don't take on his.

It's hard to explain and can't think of an example but it happens a lot.

Have you told your therapist that you want to work out and loose weight to gain his approval? If so, what has he said about it? If not, I would. That will help to gauge if its healthy or not and how to work with it.

I have started taking from having a crush to near cyber stalking. I found his Facebook profile and through some other snooping I have discovered his thesis paper, location of his previous practice before he move to this region. The biggest thing that I am ashamed and embarrassed about is my infatuation crossed the line to invading my fantasies that I can't talk to him about because they are related to re-enacting my rape trauma's.

Last session my therapist told me that MANY of his patients have tried to friend him on facebook. I told him I googled him and found his facebook profile and looked at it due to the picture on his cover of him and his grand daughter. She has been in many of our convos as has his entire family. He used his family as an example of how "normal" families are as I honestly couldn't get that families arent supposed to have sex with each other.

Anyway, that isnt so uncommon at all from how he speaks about it and he says he just declines the friend request. A thank you but no thank you. No big deal type of thing.

ETA: I didn't try to friend him, just an added FYI.

So that wouldnt ruin the relationship in my opinion.

Also, I have MANY re-enactmemt thoughts that include my therapist. He is the lead actor in almost all of my maladaptive daydreaming plots. And almost all include reenactments. Also normal. All, from what you have posted are normal and can be worked with and worked through but your therapist needs to be aware of it to help you with it. Why are you afraid to tell him?

Maybe its just me and the relationship my therapist and I have now. 8 years later and we have gotten over all the "OMG I'm far too embarrased to tell him XYZ". Or its far too embarassing. I had many...MANY of those. One at which was a controversy on here. I don't look at him, ever, unless we are just talking about today stuff but when we speak of the past my eyes go to the little table between two chairs holding a lamp and a small clock that is always wrong. I know every single thing about that table and lamp and the cords under it.

So I appologize if I am asking you to do what you can't at the moment or asking dumb questions. I have told my therapist the most unspeakable things that happened, that I had done, and that I was still doing. And our relationship isn't just entacked but stronger. But thats also my therapist and not yours.

 

[Frenzy3674]

This quote by @Justmehere explains transference so well. I have no idea w...

I cyber stalk mine as well. She doesn't know. I'd be mortified.

 

[FauxLiz]

But why is that bad? I mean you want to be more physically healthy. You want his approval, yes, and though thats transference, that isn't really bad from how I view it. But maybe I am wrong.

....Have you told your therapist that you want to work out and loose weight to gain his approval? If so, what has he said about it? If not, I would. That will help to gauge if its healthy or not and how to work with it.

No I haven't told him about wanting to work out and lose weight to gain his approval. I am ashamed of feeling this way because it has been a negative habit in the past to change myself for a man, to try to gain their favor and sexual intimacy. I am terrified of going down that road because I don't want to ruin our therapeutic relationship.

Last session my therapist told me that MANY of his patients have tried to friend him on facebook. I told him I googled him and found his facebook profile and looked at it due to the picture on his cover of him and his grand daughter. She has been in many of our convos as has his entire family. He used his family as an example of how "normal" families are as I honestly couldn't get that families arent supposed to have sex with each other.

Anyway, that isnt so uncommon at all from how he speaks about it and he says he just declines the friend request. A thank you but no thank you. No big deal type of thing.

I don't want to tell him that I found him on facebook because I don't want him to think I am invading his privacy, have crossed some line of acceptable behavior or some other thing that changes how we interact in our sessions.

All, from what you have posted are normal and can be worked with and worked through but your therapist needs to be aware of it to help you with it. Why are you afraid to tell him?

I am afraid to tell him because we haven't really addressed sex or sexual intimacy. He knows about my rapes and molestation but we were just getting started talking about some of these things when I found myself having sexual fantasies about him and fall with all its and winter's holidays which is a run of several months of multiple traumaversaries. Things have continued to escalate on my side with the desire to gain his approval, my increasing attraction which I know isn't what I think it is because I know it is transference and an absolute fear that I don't know how to talk about sex both good (which I have never experienced) and negative (rape, molestation, marital rape, trauma re-enactment which is all I have ever experienced in my life).

So I appologize if I am asking you to do what you can't at the moment or asking dumb questions. I have told my therapist the most unspeakable things that happened, that I had done, and that I was still doing. And our relationship isn't just entacked but stronger. But thats also my therapist and not yours.

There is no reason for you to apologize, I have been with my therapist for 2 1/2 years and we have a good relationship but I am so scared of ruining that.