Butterfly129
New Here
Hello, I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and currently in ISTDP ( Intensive Short-term Dynamic Psychotherapy). It is a very difficult path discovering why I have lived every day of my life with panic and anxiety for no apparent reason. Discovering the disconnect between my brain and what my body instinctively does has been enlightening.
I have been in and out of therapy, prescribed a myriad of pharmaceuticals over many years that never worked to set me free from this prison of fear and anxiety. In this therapy, finally I am beginning to see some glimpses of light peeking through my fortress that was built for survival as a child. I am learning what my triggers are, as benign as they once used to seem, and that the anxiety discharge into my striated and smooth muscles as well as cognitive disruption are really repressed emotions.
All these years, my anxiety seemed unexplained and for no apparent reason. I'm now, bit by bit, processing some of those memories and learning to connect the repressed emotions to what my body is doing. As the anxiety subsides, I am able to (ever so briefly for now) experience a glimmer of emotion. I've always been numb, except for the terror and fear of panic attacks for as long as I can remember. I am embracing the sadness and grief as I realize the good experiences I never had, but ALL people deserve. It is not my fault...and that there is no longer anyone who can hurt me...it is safe, now, to express feeling without repercussions...though I know I have a long way to go and it is painfully difficult and totally foreign, I have hope and just might actually be able to LIVE before I leave this earth.
I'm so tired of feeling disconnected and feeling nothing, or numb...like I'm different than everybody else and that there is something innately wrong with me. I don't want to feel surreal any more.
I have been in and out of therapy, prescribed a myriad of pharmaceuticals over many years that never worked to set me free from this prison of fear and anxiety. In this therapy, finally I am beginning to see some glimpses of light peeking through my fortress that was built for survival as a child. I am learning what my triggers are, as benign as they once used to seem, and that the anxiety discharge into my striated and smooth muscles as well as cognitive disruption are really repressed emotions.
All these years, my anxiety seemed unexplained and for no apparent reason. I'm now, bit by bit, processing some of those memories and learning to connect the repressed emotions to what my body is doing. As the anxiety subsides, I am able to (ever so briefly for now) experience a glimmer of emotion. I've always been numb, except for the terror and fear of panic attacks for as long as I can remember. I am embracing the sadness and grief as I realize the good experiences I never had, but ALL people deserve. It is not my fault...and that there is no longer anyone who can hurt me...it is safe, now, to express feeling without repercussions...though I know I have a long way to go and it is painfully difficult and totally foreign, I have hope and just might actually be able to LIVE before I leave this earth.
I'm so tired of feeling disconnected and feeling nothing, or numb...like I'm different than everybody else and that there is something innately wrong with me. I don't want to feel surreal any more.
