Relationship Is It His Ptsd Or Is He Just A Jerk? New Relationship With Someone With Ptsd.

[WonderWoman]

I started seeing a PTSD sufferer about 3 months ago. He was very up front with his PTSD. He is on medication, has a service dog and told me he was in therapy. He seemed to be a completely "normal" guy to me.

First month and a half of our relationship was pretty amazing. (we live about 1.5 hours away from each other and only really only got to see each other on weekends) About 8 weeks in he started to seemingly blow me off. He wouldn't commit to seeing me and didn't initiate texts with me. *Side note We both never took our dating profiles down (he didn't seem ready to do so yet which I was fine with because we were still getting to know each other) but I saw him online a lot on that Saturday. * I had a busy weekend so I basically ignored him all weekend and he seemed to be ignoring me in return. By the end of the weekend I was ready to write him off and never talk to him again. But I really liked the guy and had done some research on PTSD and knew that isolating was something sufferers do. So I sent him a message telling him how much I liked him and always looked forward to seeing him and that if his feelings weren't mutual he needed to be honest with me. He ended up apologizing and drove out to take me to lunch on that Monday. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he assured me h wasn't and that he "really liked me" and that usually when he tells someone about his PTSD they don't even give him a chance and liked that I had. He also said he wasn't feeling well that weekend and that if I couldn't tell he "was a runner". I probably should of ran right then and there but I didn't.

The next weekend he came down to my house. I told him a bunch of my friends were going to be there but he was welcome to come. He seemed fine with it and wanted to leave earlier so he could meet them before they left. When he got to my house he seemed to be the life of the party. All of my friends stayed hours after they were going to leave and he told me that he "really liked all of my friends." He told them all how much he liked me even let the L word slip and had a heart to heart with one of my friends. He told her he wanted me to move away with him next year when he moves back down south. There was alcohol involved and I am wondering if that was why he said all of those things? He even invited me to go on a trip with him in June. When he left my house all of my worries from the previous weekend were gone. I felt secure in the fact that he truly did like me.

Fast forward to 10 days later... he deleted me from his Facebook out of nowhere. He had went on a trip to see his kids but we have been texting daily since I last saw him. His texts weren't as frequent but I chalked it up to the fact that he was busy. I sent him a text asking if everything was OK because I saw that he deleted me. He ignored my text. I got fired up and sent him a text later that night telling him that I didn't know what was going on with him but I deserved better than to be ghosted and that if he didn't want to see me anymore he needed to call me and tel me that. He replied the next morning saying that he did know I deserved better and that he was "freaking out honestly". I reassured him that cared about him and didn't know if this was PTSD related or what but I would be there to talk when he was ready. He said he would call me that night but he never did.

This is where my situation gets f*cked up. I was waiting on him to call me. But two days after he said he would call one of my friend sent him a nasty message that I had NO CLUE she was going to send. She told him it would be in his best interest to stay away from me, called him crazy and told him I deserved better. He immediately texted me after he read it and said that was one of the reasons he was "freaking out" and that he saw that message as a threat. Said "we are done and to stop contacting him immediately." I told him this wasn't coming from me but he didn't care. He told me he was blocking me from social media, phone and email. I haven't tried to reach out to him yet but am wondering if I should. I feel so cheated out of the opportunity to at least talk to him. I am no longer on speaking terms with my friend now as well. She made my situation 1000x worse and gave him the ammunition he needed to write me off completely.

My question is: I wrote him a letter right after he cut me off (almost as week ago) and was thinking of having my sister email it to him in a few more days after I take time to go over it again. It isn't attacking him. It was everything I wanted to say to him when we eventually talked. I am not even sure if our relationship is salvageable or even if I should want to salvage it. I can't decide if his PTSD caused him to push me out of his life or if he is just an ass hole who didn't want to commit to me.

I still care about him even though I do not think I could continue dating him and would be open to talking to him. I feel extremely guilty that if he was triggered that my "friend" made it worse by sending him that horrible message. It makes it worse because I think he believes I was behind it when I 100% had nothing to do with it.

Sorry I got sidetracked about the question. It was I wrote the letter. Should I send it?

 

[Deadman]

or if he is just an ass hole who didn't want to commit to me

I'll be frank, its going to be almost impossible to tell one way or the other. He could just be a guy struggling with PTSD, he could be a jerk with PTSD, or he could just be a plain old jerk. You would have had to have known him before the PTSD to have a chance of sorting it out.

Its only fair that I'm a sufferer rather than a supporter so supporters may have a different point of view.

 

[WonderWoman]

I'll be frank, its going to be almost impossible to tell one way or the other. He could just be a guy s...

Thank you. I appreciate your point of view. As a sufferer do you think I should try reaching out to him or just let him go? I don't want to make things worse for him. It would basically be me sending him the letter for my own selfish need for closure.

 

[Deadman]

Should I send it?

Is it worth sending it? Are you sending it because you don't want him to think you were a jerk? Do you really want to date a guy with PTSD?

 

[Newtoptsd]

If you're going to regret not sending it then send it. However your friend has done a WHOLE WORLD of damage, sorry to say it! I have had exactly the same pattern of behavior from my friend (aside from the Facebook deletion) and it's pretty common when you start dating someone suffering from PTSD for them to freak out. Every time some deeper connection gets revealed or some feelings and next steps and the future get discussed they retreat - it's quite common from what I gather?

The one main issue my friend cannot overcome is self-worth, he does not think I should be with him, he thinks I deserve someone better and should be with someone 'normal' who's not mentally Ill. What your friend said will have caused a lot of issues, one being she said you deserved better, another being his trust in people. Even though you never sent that message, your friend is associated to you which therefore connect's you to the miss-trust.

Sorry I couldn't be the bearer of better news, however I am no mystic -meg so I don't know whether he will contact you or not if you send the message. I say send the email if you want to get closure/explain but don't send the email in the hope he will come around because he may not.

Hugs to you :hug:

 

[Deadman]

It would basically be me sending him the letter for my own selfish need for closure.

There is nothing wrong with needing closure.

I just don't know whether or not I would have appreciated such a letter. I suppose it would have depended where I was in my journey through PTSD.

The best I can say is do what your heart tells you and don't expect a fair response.

 

[WonderWoman]

If you're going to regret not sending it then send it. However your friend has done a WHOLE WORLD of...

Thank you for the advice. I was trying to give him space... and she royally f*cked it up for me. It is a terrible situation. I have lost him and now one of my closest friends on top of it. I wasn't sure if I wanted to date someone with PTSD but I was trying to figure that out. I think he was worth it. He is a fantastic guy, giving, smart and caring. In the beginning he treated me like the catch I am. It is what I liked most about him. He seemed to know that I was one of the good ones. I might send him the letter just so he knows how I feel but I will do it just for me and not expect a response.

 

[Anonny]

I think it's a whole lot of PTSD. Jerks tend to not be honest (vulnerable) by admitting that they're "freaking out".

I think if you're sharing so much with your friends about him as to paint him as such a horrible guy, it's best to move on. Sufferers need to be able to trust their partners and sharing such info with friends means that the friends have no choice but to hate him. (They have no PTSD frame of reference.)

I know that if a partners friend laid into me like that, things would be over. I could never trust my partner to keep things private between us.

I'm someone who has had a "friend" interfere with my relationship in a very negative way. As a sufferer, all trust was shattered and I haven't spoken to the ex or the friend in years.

I suggest leaving him alone and moving on. Contact may make you feel better but at what expense? Upsetting him more? Just something to think about.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@WonderWoman I can imagine it's a pretty shitty situation for you to be in, I would be devastated if my friend did such a thing. What I did find is that not many of my friends and family have been very understanding, so now I am careful as to who to divulge to and who to keep in the dark. This forum has given me what I now call ''friends' who completely get it and offer the best advice possible.

I will say that if he does get back in contact and want to reach out ... research research research, you can't research enough. I bought books, came on here I even watched war films, read war books of actual accounts so I could better understand my friend.

Best to you, chin up, send the letter and don't fret too much over the past. You will have said what you needed to say and take comfort in that :)

 

[ladee]

I'm sorry your friend did what she did.
What comes to my mind tho, is he told you he was a "runner". When we (sufferer here) share things like this we are giving fair warning.
Good possibility had it not been this, it would have been any number of things that sent him down the road later on.
If you do send him a letter, please keep it short. Apologize for What your friend did, and that your sorry you didn't have more time to get to know him.
Wish him well on his life journey. And let that be that.
If you go into a long defense ,he is not going to believe it..that is if he even reads it
YOU know you're not to blame here.
We are some really awesome people...but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who very honestly told me he was a runner.
We appreciate that you are not wanting him to be hurt. But he was hurt before you met him.

 

[dulcia]

Seems too early to tell if jerk, PTSD, or combo of both. I am a huge fan of letters in my PTSD relationship when things are tough. I think they are a great way to get things out when you can't talk it out, with the added bonus of there not being pressure to reply (like with a text or social media message). With that being said, if my guy and I are arguing or limiting contact or he or I have blocked each other on social media or even blocked phone numbers....I would send the "letter" via email, as we have always had that one line of communication left open no matter what else is going on. So, personally, if I was blocked from everything? I wouldn't have someone else send something for me. If my guy went so far as to block me from literally every form of communicating (which takes effort in this day and age) aside from me hunting him down in person, I would feel like I have to respect that as a huge "stay away" sign and stay away.

^ at least for now.

 

[Linzee]

I started seeing a PTSD sufferer about 3 months ago. He was very up front with his PTSD. He is on m...

I started seeing a PTSD sufferer about 3 months ago. He was very up front with his PTSD. He is on m...

I'll be honest. My take on this is that this all sounds like a lot for only having known each other 3 months. Meeting each others friends, wanting commitment, talking about moving/going on trips together...etc this would all be pretty fast moving in any "budding" relationship, never mind one where PTSD is in the mix.

Like others have said it could be that he's a real jerk or its his PTSD jerking him (you) around. He told you upfront he suffers with it and is prone to "running" but because he seemed "normal" to you, you just continued on.

I don't blame you, its natural to get caught up when things feel good. But I do think you got carried away a little too quick by the sounds of it. Relationships often have to move much more slowly with sufferers for a variety of reasons.

I have been with my sufferer a lot longer and am still unsure about whether or not to introduce friends/family yet as I sense he's not quite ready and I feel its my duty to protect him from possible judgements by them when they know nothing about PTSD and why our relationship is slightly unconventional.

I agree however, that if you think it will give you closure to move on then send your email. It will probably help you both to offload/read what the other has to say.