I Just Can't Cope

[Deleted member 28740]

I had similar events in school, and in life. Did not then know I had PTSD, and thought I was just a freak, so did others. Appreciate your talent on all levels. It must help to know a part of the why it happens?

 

[Kintsugi]

It does help to know why it happens. Auditory hallucinations were also normalized to me as a teenager. My longtime boyfriend's father was a paranoid schizophrenic, and he and his brother were always on the lookout for auditory hallucinations as the first clue they had inherited the condition. My next boyfriend was bipolar and had a lot of auditory hallucinations. Also, my experience with hallucinogenic and other substance use has conditioned me to step back from my distorted perceptions and be able to ignore them until they pass. I don't recommend substance abuse to anyone, but my T agrees that my experience with drugs gives me a uniquely practiced ability to ignore things that would frighten a lot of people.

I haven't woken up ideating in three days. :tup: Still a little overwhelmed by the upcoming family visit, but I've nailed down a lot of schoolwork that was causing me the most stress cup overflow, and my manic desperation to seek identity answers is cooling (mostly because I have consumed so much information that I feel somewhat sated, having nearly run out of online resources). I find facts so pacifying.

I've enlisted my professor as an ally; she walked me to the disabilities office and wants to continue to help connecting me with campus resources. I think her heart goes out to me, because I make a long commute to class, and I work full time, and I really do invest myself in my research. I'm hopeful that my appointment with the disabilities office will grant me some "oh shit" accommodations for the times when depression is suffocating my ability to complete multiple projects within a short timespan. I don't know. We'll see.

 

[Kintsugi]

Man. I have survived... everything. I went to see my family yesterday (just for about 24 hours). It was sort of terrible. I met them at a cabin deep in the woods, which had a gated driveway, the gate to which was padlocked, and there was no Internet/cell signal. I have often lived without Internet (for about five years), but the combination of no service or Internet and no way of just leaving plus total isolation from any resources whatsoever was awful and jacked my anxiety sky-high. In another lifetime, I might have been taken in by the solitude and pretty views of the mountains, but I've lived in the mountains for eight years, so my sense of wonder/appreciation has seriously waned.

I woke up in the middle of the night and had a panic attack for about an hour, accompanied by extremely powerful suicidal ideation, but I just told myself I was having an understandable reaction to a temporary situation and eventually dropped back off to sleep. It was not unlike coaching myself through homesickness as a child, although I had the added bonus of a racing heart and a head full of suicidal fantasies. :D

Anyway, I was right; I just needed to hang in there and ride the wave (as graceless and terrifying as it might have felt). Hopefully things will feel more manageable from here on out. Only six weeks left of school!

Thanks for all of the support. :notworthy:

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Anyway, I was right; I just needed to hang in there and ride the wave (as graceless and terrifying as it might have felt).

Graceful woof. Learn so much from you and your posts. Family interaction also this week.

 

[ChandraD]

I feel like I'm being tortured ala 1700s, like someone is placing enormous stones on my chest in an...

I am so sorry. You have so much going on and I can understand why you feel overwhelmed. I don't have any great advice other than put yourself first. If you can't handle your friend's crisis, don't. Take the time off for yourself and no one else. Go to the hospital if that is what you need. Your job will manage. Don't take on their problem as your own.

As far as the adoption issues go, I would like to share a bit about me. I am an adoptive mom. My kids' birthparents have been involved in their lives off and on and ultimately made repeated choices that have kept them from having a relationship. My daughter who is 15 struggles so much with the abandonment by her birth mom as well as the abuse and neglect in her early years. She was also substance exposed so the selfish actions of her bio mom have given my daughter a horrible lot in life that she will forever struggle with. The abandonment theme is played out in every relationship she has with females. Over and over. Come close/go away.

I have met many parents in the adoption circles who do exactly what you say your parents did. I think some people enjoy the attention they get from "rescuing" kids. Its not about the kids. It is about their ego and status. Everyone paints adoption as a beautiful thing. The reality is, it is all about grief. The child loses their biological family, extended family, siblings and all. The biological family loses their child. And for myself as an adoptive mom I could not have children, so there was that loss. I would not change my choice to adopt. I love my kids. But I wonder what a little me would look like. So while I don't relate to you as an adoptee, I very much understand your anger, grief, loss and distress. Please reach out as you need to. BTW as a future counselor, it was not good for your counselor to leave you so raw after a session.

Finally, as an adult you have the opportunity to create a "family" for yourself. Distance yourself from those who undermine your healing, even if for a while. Build a supportive network around you. You deserve it. You are worthy of love and real relationships.

Take care of yourself.

 

[The Albatross]

Especially liked this bit Simon, "but I just told myself I was having an understandable reaction to a temporary situation and eventually dropped back off to sleep. It was not unlike coaching myself through homesickness as a child..." :hug::tup::tup::tup: