How Much Of Your Past Does Your Partner Needs To Know....?

[J_trustno1]

I am currently dating a guy. However, we haven't had any physical relationship but we have shared a lot about our lives. I do not know if I need to tell him about my childhood sexual abuse ( was molested at the age of 9) which I have been working on in therapy. I don't know how long I need to wait before I tell him this and in what context do I tell him this?

Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thanks a lot in advance.

 

[Bristol]

It totally your decision, my husband doesnt know anything because i chose not to tell him, its totally up to you

 

[J_trustno1]

Does this make me a cheater if I don't tell him??

 

[Bristol]

Does this make me a cheater if I don't tell him??

Its your story to tell him so i dont see that it would be cheating to not tell him, i dont think its something my husband needs to know as i dont feel ready to tell him. We have been together 10 years, i may tell him one day or i may not :)

 

[J_trustno1]

Thank you @Bristol. It makes a lot of sense. I am not ready to tell him this yet. We've only just started dating recently and I do not wish to get into it just yet.

 

[Bristol]

Thank you @Bristol. It makes a lot of sense. I am not ready to tell him this yet....

It maybe a bit soon, but thats only my opinion, its whether its something he really needs to know whether its fundamental to your relationship. For me my husband chose me without knowing and its part of who i am, i wanted a relationship where he didnt pity me or anything we are equals if it becomes something he really needs to know then it becomes different and i would deal with that then

 

[Suzetig]

I another person who's firmly in the "need to know" camp. I only recent shared some of my stuff with my husband of 20+ years. I don't feel like I cheated him or that he needed to know sooner.

I always keep in mind that I can't "untell" someone so they have that knowledge of me forever. If it's early days in a relationship, I'd tend to hold back just now. It's not cheating to maintain your own privacy.

 

[Justmehere]

Does this make me a cheater if I don't tell him??

No this doesn't make you a cheater. Being raped isn't cheating on someone. Not as a child or as an adult.

 

[Deadman]

I'd say it depends. If your partner is always walking on eggshells or is afraid to touch you then I'd say some sort of explanation is in order. Even in that situation though how much you say about details is up to you and your knowledge of your partner. Not everyone wants to know that sort of thing.

 

[GwenDR]

It's up to you and your needs how much or how little you tell him, if anything. You can say nothing, say "something happened when I was young, I can't talk about it, but it can lead to certain issues and things will be slow" or tell him the entire story. You can start with one and move to the next. You may never be able to or need to tell him. None of those are wrong.

And no, in no scenario are you cheating if you don't inform him. He does not have a right to know anything that you do not chose to share. Privacy is not dishonesty. And being an abuse or rape victim is not unfaithfulness in any circumstance whatsoever.

 

[scout86]

I have a couple rather specific triggers that relate to sex. If the relationships is going to go that far, I always give my potential partner a heads up. For two reasons. One, to try to make sure no one gets hurt, because I can promise, in the moment, my reaction to a few things will NOT be rational or diplomatic. The second reason is, I've decided if this stuff is a deal breaker, that's good to know. It's a good way to help sort people I want to be involved with from those I don't.

It's not likely I'll ever share specific details. I don't think that's necessary. I do think it's only fair, if you know there may be problems or challenges that need to be negotiated, or that you refuse to negotiate, that you be honest about that ahead time. (Doesn't have to be WAY ahead of time, IMO, just soon enough that you can have a rational conversation.)

"Cheating" IMO, doesn't pertain to what happens before, or after, a relationship. It's about what happens during a relationship and then it has to be voluntary.

 

[Glara]

There's nothing about this that remotely resembles cheating.

You don't have to tell anymore than you want to. That said, I think it's fair to let him know you've experienced some trauma. I say this because my sufferer didn't let me know at first. I was planning a future based on the things he said early on. When his ptsd caused him to start pulling away I broke it off. He freaked and a few days later told me about his ptsd. Of course I asked why. He told me it was abuse. He said he didn't want to talk about it, and I said it's ok. I still don't know any details and it is ok! But I did need to know the basics, that he had ptsd and cycles of depression, because I thought he was playing me.

I can't speak for everyone, but this is my experience.