Letting Go, Finding Balance...

[Solace]

After allowing myself to sleep late and catch up on much-needed rest, I find myself tired. I'm tired of carrying around baggage that really belongs to other people. I'm tired of carrying around guilt that only I know about, which manifests itself in my body in ways I am also tired of. I'm tired of the negative patterns from my past interfering with my present. I'm tired of self-doubt, self-loathing, and mentally abusing myself using the same words I heard growing up.
As I work to change my thinking and weave an entirely new tapestry from the threads of the one I'm currently unraveling, I feel overwhelmed and frustrated, wondering if I'll ever know a life without the pull of a difficult past.
Sometimes I want to shout at the people who contributed to my PTSD, unleashing all the words I've withheld for so long. The hurt. I want to tell them how their actions shaped my life, how the thoughts in my head, if allowed to run unchecked, will remind me over and over again how awful I am. How different from anyone else, and how that's a bad thing. How I will never fit in, or worse - belong. I want to tell them how unfair this is! How I should have been given a chance! A chance to know real comfort, real friendship, real LOVE.
I'm tired. I'm so damned tired!
But I'm also awake now, shaking off the remnants of strange dreams as bright sunlight (the first in days) streams through my windows. I'm awake and even though there is a heaviness, it no longer pins me to the floor, or the bed, or the sofa. I'm awake and know that the day is mine to create. I can clean house physically and mentally, continuing my work on that amazing new tapestry, transforming the old into something truly Me.
I deserve nothing less.

 

[ladee]

Love the way you referred to weaving a new tapestry, as you were unraveling the old one. I like that a lot... But with NEW thread.
As you are creating a new history , it doesn't have to have any of the old in it.... Not that you won't remember... but it's not the design of your new life.It is the design you create....
And yes, there will come a time when our past is mostly in the past.Still there for frames of reference.... but not the fight that goes with the memory.. pictures without feelings....

 

[Solace]

Love the way you referred to weaving a new tapestry, as you were unraveling the old one. I like that a lo...

Love. Thank you!

 

[Joan]

well said! A new tapestry is a great way of saying it. I use art a lot and have done some representations of creating new ways of putting the pieces together in a new way. I hope that as the day has progressed you have continued to "clean out:" and can see things a little differently. It is so hard for me to stay on that path, but still trying.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thank you for sharing your insights, strength and clarity!