Relationship Combat Ptsd Girlfriend

[Caitlyn Davis]

Hello, my story is a little different from the others that I have read. Well my veteran and I have known each other for 11 years, since 9th grade. We have been best friends and lovers through out those years. We had a falling out and then he went through some anger management classes which brought him back in my life as my best friend again since I was with someone else at the time. Well me and that person broke up and my veteran was there for me. We started dating again like a month after that in July 2015. We have been together since, he told me about his ptsd and was open about it, we spent all of our time together (he never wanted to do anything without me and I him), we have our kids names picked out, we were calling each other husband and wife, and two weeks ago he was discussing with my aunt on how he will propose to me.
Well last week, he moved out after living with me for a year and he said he wasn't breaking up with me, he just needed time to sort himself and his demons out. A couple of days after the he goes to the VA where he is talking about his PTSD and his doctor brings in three combat veterans that have fought hard battles in their lives that have effected their relationships... they all said he can not fix himself with me in the picture. And he even said he could never live with himself if he hurt me in any way. Which lead to him breaking up with me... we weren't suppose to keep contact because they thought it would be too hard for him to start healing but he wants to keep our friendship alive like it as before... last night he said he was still in love with me and there is a chance for us to be together again, but there is also a chance he might not be in love with me anymore while he goes through with his counseling.
How can he just not love me anymore after everything? I am giving him his space and only messaging him when he text first, and I told him I am here for him in every step of the way like always. But I also want my boyfriend and future back without pushing him away. Does anyone might have some hope or understanding?

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he is starting treatment, things are going to be rough for awhile. He really may not be able to be in a relationship. He may have to put all his energy into himself.

Relationships are stress. Even good ones. It's hard to worry about somebody else and their feelings when you're drowning.

 

[Friday]

How can he just not love me anymore after everything? I am giving him his space and only messaging him when he text first, and I told him I am here for him in every step of the way like always. But I also want my boyfriend and future back without pushing him away. Does anyone might have some hope or understanding?

Not speaking for every vet. Not by a long shot. Just myself, and to a lesser degree, people I've known & loved.

It's a switch that just shuts off when needed, if not when wanted. Doesn't happen with everyone. Doesn't mean you don't still love people. Just that you can't feel it. If you're not used to that? It usually spells the death of a relationship. Because you're not "supposed" to stay with someone you don't love, right? You're supposed to let them go. That's the right and honorable thing. If you are used to it? Can still spell the death of a relationship. Because people who love you feel it when you go hard and cold. And they get hurt. They blame themselves. They often go to tremendous lengths to spark ANY kind of emotion. And that's bad. Really bad. Because the only emotion that comes through? Easily? Is rage.

If you aren't used to that, too? You don't just hurt people by being distant. You can hurt people, hurt people. There has to be the discipline there, the automatic lockdown that would never let you hurt anyone you love, no matter how blind with rage you get. PTSD? Eats discipline & self control. So that piece right there? Takes a lot of practice.

So there's 2 major pieces already; losing your emotions when you don't want to & how to cope with that, and firestorms of rage and how to temper that, how to control it, when your self control is shredded. NOT something you want to practice on the people you love.

3rd piece is getting your emotions back. Because that happens, too. It's a process, though, and a hugely painful one. Even if you haven't done anything in the interim to add onto it (like hurting the people you love by being cold, or by lashing out).

Putting all 3 pieces together? Is totally doable. It's hard. It takes some serious time. Everyone I personally know, including myself, usually a couple years. And that's if you're actively trying to master that protocol. ((When you're just running with it? Numbing it? Giving in to it & fighting against it? People go decades locked into a pattern of trying to lock everything away, only to have it explode out, numb, lock it away, explode out. ))

You've waited 11 years. Can you wait a few more? No is always an acceptable answer. If it's yes, though? He's not the only one who needs to learn how to deal with times of lost emotions & rage. That's not something everyone can deal with. Some people NEED to feel loved, all of the time. Not want, need. Knowing there are times their partner feels nothing? Destroys them from the inside out. Others are okay with it, as long as certain boundaries are kept. Others become doormats, enabling and condoning all sorts of f*cked up bullshit in the name of love. Only one of those options leads to a happy/healthy life for you two AND your kids.

I'm a mom. I've lost my emotions around my son. Sometimes he knows, most of the time he doesn't. In no small part because when I feel myself shutting off? He's scheduled right quick to be off on his own adventures. Summer camps. Sleepovers. A week with his grandparents. My HIGHEST priority was making sure that he got what he needed. My second highest was making sure I got what I needed. (Which is another question to ask yourself, if you can come in 3rd place?) Which included ways of setting up my life which didn't exactly look normal, in a lot of ways. I have a *huge* amount of energy I need to blow off on a daily basis, as well intermittently just to stay ahead of my stress load, plus periods where I knew I was going to crash (lay down and stare at a wall for a day, or sleep for a week). I learned my patterns, and I put them to work for me. It was a good life while it lasted. But it wasn't a normal life. This is a part of me, this is who I am, now. I've had a helluva lot of good years. I've also had more than a few bad ones. It's a life I have to live. I didn't choose it. It chose me. Partnering up with someone with PTSD? Does mean choosing that life. Like choosing to live with fame, or a wheelchair, it's not something suited to everyone. No shame in it. A lot of us kill ourselves rather than live it. Others of us adapt to it.

Is it doable? Yes.
Is it easy? No.
Will the 2 of you find your balance & your stride? First he has to master himself. Before either of you will know.

 

[Deadman]

I am a combat vet. I tried to keep my marriage together. I failed. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing though. It meant I could just concentrate on healing myself. I'm not sure I would be where I am now if I was still married.

Sometimes love is not enough.

 

[Caitlyn Davis]

So I pretty much have to do what I have been doing: only text when he text, and become available to him when he is ready so he knows I love him and I am there for him...

 

[Sighs]

Because people who love you feel it when you go hard and cold. And they get hurt. They blame themselves. They often go to tremendous lengths to spark ANY kind of emotion. And that's bad. Really bad. Because the only emotion that comes through? Easily? Is rage.

I swear - @Friday is the only reason I even come close to understanding my vet and therefore stay with him. He has no idea how much he owes someone he doesn't know exists. Huge hugs girl.

 

[LuckiLee]

Bravo Friday!!!

 

[Bradford]

Hello, my story is a little different from the others that I have read. Well my veteran and I hav...

I have been on this site for a few weeks with a problem not much unlike your own. She comes and goes in a fairly unpredictable manner and I find it so hard to cope with. She just left me again a few days ago saying that "she just cant do this with me". She has said that before, every time I wonder if it is for good. I am mentally exhausted over all of this. I know guys don't cry, but I sometimes feel like just putting my head into my hands and crying like a baby. If you or anyone finds that magic bullet, which I am sure doesn't exist, I sure would like to know about it. My hope and understanding is just becoming more pain daily.

Caitlyn I sincerely hope things improve and go well for you. I hope neither one is here a year from now or even months from now saying the same things.

Keep in touch...

 

[Caitlyn Davis]

I have been on this site for a few weeks with a problem not much unlike your own. She comes and goes i...

Thank you for your kind words. He hasn't done this before and he is still trying to keep our friendship (which is weird and I'm hoping it is because he wants to come back). I am just wading out in the turning waters I guess. Bradford I am sorry your girl is doing this to you and it is ok to cry! Hell my veteran cries to me... which is weird why is gone from me. Keep your head up.

 

[Caitlyn Davis]

Ok we have talked. He said that he is sorry for everything and that he did lose love for me, but with everything that was going on in his head that he didn't talk about, he lost the feeling of being in love. He said he only wants me as his best friend... well he always falls in love with me as his best friend. Could there be a reason why he is keeping me close, but not as close anymore?

 

[LuckiLee]

Friday has answered your questions perfectly. Please reread her post above. Many times if necessary! Peace and love to you and your Veteran!!

 

[Caitlyn Davis]

I like how he told me the reason for breaking up with me, "to try and fix himself without having to worry about me." Now he is hanging out with a girl we went to high school with, who just broke up with her fiancé. He is calling me his best friend (which we have been for 11 years, and the pass two years with an amazing emotionally connected relationship), I told him i need time to heal and to not text me till July or something since we are watching Game of Thrones still... maybe, but he still text me two hours after that and then tried again the next day. I think he got the picture today when I didn't text back since I haven't heard from him. But why hang out with her and practically be in a relationship without the title, when he is suppose to focus on himself. Literally a week before he left he was discussing proposal ideas with my aunt. Im so confused as each day goes by.