How Does One Love Oneself?

[Changing4Best]

I have been feeling kind of down of late, and it occurs to me that I need to find ways to LOVE myself. I felt loved by my mother as a child, but was emotionally abused and neglected by my father. I was also sexually molested by his father and physically abused and threatened by him as well.

Then, as an adult, much later on, I was abused and raped repeatedly by a boyfriend. So I have CPTSD. That boyfriend used to always say things to me like that no one would ever want me or love me (and he was also a very jealous person, constantly accusing me of flirting when I was not).

Years later now, after having run away from the boyfriend, and after my parents have both died (as has my husband) I find that I have never really been very good at loving others, nor have I ever really felt loved by anyone on earth but my mother.

So I have not really ever known how to love others, nor have I ever really known how to love myself! I was bullied in school a lot, the worst of which happened when I was in 6th Grade. At that time, all the boys in my class turned against me and called me names, saying I was ugly, that I stank and so on. They were merciless in their treatment of me for the whole year, and the teacher never did a thing to stop them.

I am now in my mid-60s and am finding it hard to figure out how to LOVE myself. I don't have a clue where to begin. I have been in therapy for something like 15 years, I guess more, if one counts religious type therapy. The subject has never come up in therapy, not that I recall anyway! I don't know if it should have come up but didn't, but I won't be seeing my therapist for another month or so, so I thought I would ask here and see what all of you do to love yourselves?

Any idea, no matter how absurd, unique or unusual is welcome.

 

[blackandwhite2017]

I too find loving myself to be a very hard thing to do, and the concept of loving myself seems too hard to grasp. I am not exactly sure how to love myself, but I have decided to do these to myself to build my love towards myself:...

Firstly, I make sure to get rid of people I don't like and only hang out with people who make me happy. "Check"
After staying away from the toxic people in my life, I want to make sure I get enough sleep. "Check"
After I get enough sleep, I want to make sure I give myself good food to eat everyday on schedule. "In progress"
After I have good healthy food to eat everyday, I want to make sure I brush my teeth, clean my face, wash my clothes, and shower regularly.
After I can maintain my personal hygiene, I want to make sure I go out for a walk everyday.
After I can go out for a walk everyday, I want to make sure I get good exercise/workouts every other day.
After I start regularly exercising, I want to make sure I go to all my classes.
After I stop missing classes, I want to make sure I finish all my assignment and homework on time.
After I stop submitting work late, I want to make sure I put 1 hr per day in addition to homework to study for my courses.
After I have a habit of studying everyday, I want to make sure that I put more efforts into my work to make myself stand out.
After I am able to stay energized at work, I want to make sure that I find good hobbits that "waste" time and money but make me happy.
After I have hobbits and good work ethic and good school progress...I am pretty sure I would be qualified as loving myself well enough.

Anyway, your life and situation and priorities are definitely gonna be different from mine, but my point is to love yourself by learning to gradually do good things to yourself that you deserve.

 

[Changing4Best]

Well, here is just one example of how I don't love myself. I only brush my teeth when I need to go out somewhere. If I don't need to be around others, I usually forget to brush my teeth or even purposefully don't brush them. I brush them mainly just so I won't have to pay huge dental bills also, not as a loving act towards myself.

As to bathing, I hate taking showers or baths. I always have. I do so, but only as far as is needed, no more. I cannot think of bathing as a loving act, but only as something that is needed for social interactions to go well, nothing more.

One thing that I do love to do is to read memoirs and biographies. I try to do that often, as it brings me happiness. However, folks rarely if ever talk in them about how they love themselves! They might talk about loving others, or their jobs, or how their childhood went, but there is no talk about loving oneself. I wonder why... ?

 

[Deleted member 541]

I'm not sure if anyone really LOVES themselves. That to me is Narcissistic behavior. Yes, we all need some narcissism to be able to have some compassion for ourselves and to perform self help and self awareness. I think it's more about not HATING ourselves.

I don't love myself, not sure if I even like myself on certain days, but I don't hate me either. For me, it's more about not hating, than loving. Does that make sense????

Oh, and I brush my teeth daily, and shower daily and change my clothes daily. I also clean my apartment weekly, do my laundry. I've never NOT done these things, even when suicidal, depressed, triggered, whatever. Probably cause it was beaten into me as a child that these things HAD TO BE DONE!!!!!!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I had to get busy unlearning what I'd been taught through the years, which included, but wasn't limited to, huge doses of telling/teaching/expecting me to put ALL others, including imaginary beings, first and foremost before myself, and to strongly fear those same beings if I didn't.

Everything I'd been taught to seek and depend upon externally had to be re-discovered and nurtured internally. There was always an emptiness left inside no matter where I sought answers through the years, so I had to look elsewhere, mostly in the places I'd been told to avoid. lol

When I was born, my mom said I was so ugly she was sure they'd switched out the babies. Now there's a great way to start building a solid foundation of loving self-acceptance, aye? Didn't receive much love and nurturing through the years via family/friends/church/community/intimate relations arenas, either. Rather just the opposite more often than not. I had to learn how to be the love I never received if I wished to receive it.

It felt totally weird to look at myself in the mirror and tell me how much I love me.

It felt like I was being self-centered and spoiled when I'd make time for hot baths, nature walks, dancing, massages, etc.

It felt super weird to say no to a request or invitation even when I knew full well it would drain me of my resources, be it energy or otherwise. I was convinced, and had been aggressively taught, the more I do, the more I'd be rewarded, so I just kept on doing, and doing, and doing.....never really being......just always doing. Hmmmm....are we human beings or human doings?

It feels really strange at times to make choices other than what most others who I know and dearly love make in order to best nurture my health along. I've since learned that the path of least resistance is what helped get me in such uncomfortable shape to begin with, so I have to work extra hard at not letting their choices override what I know I most healthily need.

It feels kind of weird to sit and talk to my body, specifically by part and function, and thank them for working 24/7 without my help. I often apologize to them for my unintentional neglect and abuse through the years, too, and thank them for hanging in here with me.

Unlearning the script/programs/expectations I was born with while continually learning to embrace, nurture, and healthily express my own flavors of what others perceive as weirdness seems to be what self love boils down to in my world. It only took me nearly a half century to figure it out. Luckily, I don't think there's an expiration date. We all arrive in our own time.

Happy hunting to you in your seeking ways that will work best for you.

 

[Changing4Best]

No, I don't think I hate myself, though I might hate something that I do, like eating too much or not going out for a walk when I know I should, but no, I don't hate ME. I want to love ME. I just really don't know exactly HOW to go about it?

 

[Changing4Best]

I do eat healthfully, sticking mostly to the outside isles of the grocery store. I like fresh produce, dairy and very little meat. I hate cooking though, so I do prefer more nuts and seeds and crackers (whole grain ones) and cheeses. I do love turkey though. I like pasta sometimes, and my favorite comfort food is lentil soup. I can cook up a crock pot of that with some Kielbasa and that will keep me happy for a few days. I do have a microwave, but rarely use it. I love coffee, that is my morning treat, usually 2, 2 cup cups of it. And I eat sugar free dark chocolates every morning, another treat.

 

[ladee]

What does 'loving yourself' look like to you? How is it supposed to feel? These are things you might want to really think about.. as your definition and ours is different.... I like what @She Cat shared... that's how I go about caring about myself...

And what people are sharing, is things they do to feel better about themselves...to take pride in the fact we are alive and have purpose.... I know for me... having purpose in my life, is self rewarding in many ways.... so it sort of becomes a moot point on whether or not I love myself... love is an action... not a feeling... and that is what I see others sharing with you, loving actions...

@HelloWorld314 , has a very loving plan... has set great goals for herself.... gives herself time to incooperate it into her life...She has purpose with her plans....

Hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[Changing4Best]

One thing I do, do is to lay down every so often. My back has disc degeneration, so this is essential to not feeling pain. I realize also that there are parts to me. I have a body and I am a spirit or a soul. I have a mind. All these parts have to work together to survive, yes, but to try to thrive too. Laying down every once in awhile helps me to feel better physically. So I do it as often in the afternoons as I feel the need. It is a loving and patient act I do towards myself.

Praying is really important too. I pray for others, yes, but I pray for ME too. I pray for health, well-being and blessings, success and happiness for others and for myself. I know that God loves me and that matters... a lot!

I have friends. I feel love from them sometimes. I love them too. People do favors for me, I feel loved. I guess I have to see what kinds of favors I can do for myself too, because when I do favors for folks, I feel as if I am being loving towards them.

 

[Changing4Best]

I just hugged myself, and that felt good. I am going to try to do that as often as I think it will help!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@SheilaKathy I don't think of bathing, brushing my teeth, and cleaning my home as loving acts. They are something that was a must as a child. It was something that HAD to be done. Besides I have a hard time dealing with body odors that other people emit. And bad breath is something that will make me gag.

I get the impression that you "don't" do these things to purposely keep people away. Rather than as something that you need to do.

 

[Changing4Best]

I do take care of myself, bathe, brush teeth, etc. just not maybe any more often than I absolutely need to. I don't like doing these things. However, I don't let them go undone for this reason, I just do them as infrequently as I feel I can get away with. I use deodorant and mouthwash and all, shampoo and soap, for sure, but I don't see these things as acts of self-love, just necessary to my survival. I make sure I don't smell bad or look unkempt or anything, in other words, I do take care of myself physically.