Issues With Therapist

[barefoot]

I actually think she is very clear on her boundaries and that her reply is clear, direct and professional.

Yes, she hasn't given you an answer to each point you made in your original email to her but she doesn't really need to as the situation has moved on in that she has agreed that it is best that you work with another therapist who may be a better fit. Her addressing each of your original, specific points now would be moot.

As I mentioned in my earlier post, I think your email to her (and the follow up one too, actually) read like an ultimatum and kind of backed her into a corner. I am not surprised that she has come back to you with the message that she has. People talk a lot about having to find a right therapist who is the right fit. Very true. And the idea of fit is just as relevant for therapists too in terms of the clients they work with. In the end, I think you have both reached the same conclusion - that you are not a great fit for each other and that you would both prefer to work in a different way and not with each other.

On the one hand, I feel a little sad for you (I hope that doesn't sound patronising - I really don't mean it to) as there are moments when it sounds like she has been great for you and that you have made significant, important progress through working with her. On the other hand, I really hope that you find a therapist who is willing and able to work in the way that you want to.

Can I ask - how do you feel about her response? I know you said you're ready to move on with another therapist, but that's not quite the same thing as how you feel about it. Emotionally...how do you feel about her email now?

 

[Briellewannabe]

I think her response is completely appropriate. How else did you want her to respond? Begging for you to come back as a client? If you are already finding another therapist or you have specific expectations that she cannot professionally or ethically (in her own practice) meet, then she does not need to go into detail response regarding those issues. She was clear why she did what she did and clear that she will not change her procedures. I think she handled that email very professionally, especially considering the harsh email you sent her.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

Thank you @barefoot. I feel hurt and betrayed and I also feel good about myself because I can trust myself. I saw that she was not always honest about her decisions and some of the things were about money. Her boundaries are not clear because she cannot say no. She responds in very vague terms. I could neve get a clear response. I left her a not so great review online. I learned my lesson to trust my gut instinct when it comes to me being taken advantage. I feel taken advantage of her for money. However, she has lessons to learn too. I wrote a not so nice review about her online. You might think this is mean but this is how reality works. If you are not honest regarding business practices people are gonna leave bad reviews. That is a fact.
I think it was necessary for this happen. We got to a certain point where she healed me enough for me to see through her deception and through my self-deception. I learned that I want therapists that can clearly say NO. That is how I can trust them.
She could not say no to me directly she would shift into a different direction when I asked her something. I learned that I value honesty and I value honest and direct communication. The therapist I got in Montreal sounded more centered and not frightened at all to be clear about her boundaries over the phone. She told me without me that I can email her between sessions that she can do one session per week she is willing to do EMDR and be goal oriented.
That was the difference between her and my now ex-therapist. My now ex-therapists from the very beginning could not communicate this stuff clearly with me. She always kept things too vague and wishy-washy. I think she is great when it comes to memory processing and being present but not when it comes to being honest. I value honesty. Now, thinking about that the friends I like the most are the ones who are honest. The people I liked working with are the ones that are honest and upfront from the beginning. That is who I am. I am an instructor and I am very honest and specific with my students on my policies and when and how they can contact me. I am even specific about what I need to know from them to help them.

@Briellewannabe again she was never direct with me. Anytime I asked her in therapy why this and not that she would give me a vague answer. Even now the answer is "my clinical judgments" which she does not share. How can I trust someone that does not share their opinions? This is honestly who I am. I share my decision-making process with people I work with even my students. I encourage them to challenge my opinions cause that is how we learn. If they ask me why I am making certain decisions I answer them. If they ask me why not do it this way I tell them the reason or if there is no good reason I tell them we can try that and see what happens. This is me being honest and authentic. This is why people like me. With me, you know what you are getting into. Rarely am I deceptive. It does happen sometimes but it is rare. If you work with me I will be honest and tell you what you can expect and what you cannot expect, what I can do for you and what I cannot do for you. If you ask clarifications I will answer them fully and honestly. If my decisions are questioned I will be honest about them. Even if I cannot answer a specific question I will be direct about that. I will tell you "I cannot or do not want to disclose that information with you" or "I don't know that". Even here I was really honest. I was angry and I sent her a confrontational email. No doubt. I shared the email and the response. I took the time to process some of my feelings and my thoughts.

I can own the part that I send her an angry email. However, I want her to own her part about not being honest with me.

In her emails she finally answered these question:

It seems you have set certain parameters for moving forward with therapy with me which I cannot professionally agree to

I kept telling her what I want and she was never honest about this. This is where I am rightfully angry. She would just side track and not tell me this. If she were direct with me and said "Professional I don't agree with that because of ...". For example, she could have told me that she does not think it is a good idea for me to have EMDR session before I leave town. Because I told her what I want and she kept avoiding it. If she were to tell me that directly I can accept it and I will respect her more.

Topics of scheduling can be addressed through email, although topics around process, things that came up between sessions are to be discussed in-session.

She never communicated this with me.

Another thing is that what all of you are seeing here are my angry emails and her professional response. However, I was with her for 2.5 years in person and in person things are different. I can see how from what I've shown here you don't have the observational data or the in-person experience that I have. It is easy based on my angry email and her response to conclude that I am the villain and she is the saint. I made myself look bad in your eyes by sending an angry email. However, I have the in-person experience and I trust my gut instinct about some of the things she did. If you are honest with yourself, you've been in a relationship and you've seen how someone acts and behaves and you start seeing through the cracks. You notice by their subtle action, behaviors, and words that they are doing something for other reasons than what they are telling you. You can sense it, you can feel it, you can smell it. I know this cause I've done it and so has each one of you.

 

[Briellewannabe]

I totally get that you have the experience - obviously none of us were there in the room with her for those 2.5 years, and so yes, we cannot completely understand.

I think a problem is that you are comparing the way you do things (explaining to someone the step-by-step process of how you arrived at a decision) with the way she is doing things. Remember, your therapist has YEARS of education and even more YEARS of experience. The way she arrives at a decision may be too complicated to state anything more than a vague response. She won't go into all the studies she's researched, all the classes she's taken, all the patients she's dealt with, because, well, frankly that would be too time consuming and she'd have to start charging you for educating you as well. Part of the reason people go to therapists is to rely on their expertise to help them in situations that they can't do alone. There's an aspect of trust there. Obviously you don't have the trust in your therapist, so I believe you are making the right decision in finding someone who can meet your specifications better. There are some therapists more than willing to share the process and others that it'd just be more time away from doing what you want to do.

As I stated, I think your now former therapist's response was completely professional. As she is taking time out of her personal life to respond to you, I think she didn't need to defend herself, go into detail, or even give you the answers you wanted. You had already moved on and she is respecting that. Why should she do anything more?

 

[qwyoey]

I really wish you could do a closing session with her to discuss trust issues, transference, and projecting.

I see in your emails where you are hurt and then project this hurt and come to certain conclusions that you change into facts. In the end, I see you making these statements that really feel like your defenses are still coming up. Regardless of whether you continue to work with this current therapist or not, I think it's very important for your continued healing that you don't lose sight of these issues.

 

[qwyoey]

I think it was necessary for this happen. We got to a certain point where she healed me enough for me to see through her deception and through my self-deception. I learned that I want therapists that can clearly say NO. That is how I can trust them.

I really find this an interesting statement. From my point of view, I don't see anything as necessary to happen. I can see many outcomes of your situation.

Personally I'd like to challenge this system you have set up for yourself- that in order to trust you need definitive yes or no's. That without them, someone is being dishonest. Lack of clarity does not equal dishonesty. It could be many things. Lack of clarity can be due to so many things. And what appears clear to one person may not seem clear to another. These issues of communication can cause deep pain, but in essence, through your entire life, through all of our lives, we will struggle to be known and understood. You've written a lot in this thread. It takes a lot of words to be known. When your voice hasn't been heard all your life, it can be very freeing to feel words come out.

I see in your thoughts so many needs. A need to be understood. A need to understand the boundaries of your therapy. A need to be secure in therapy. A need for the communication to be clearer for you. And I see the origin of these needs in how you speak about being denied as a child by your mother. I think you are also hurt which is leading to much more justification, rationalization, and projection than will do you good. I'm not saying now is the time to think about all this. But I really would encourage you to look at each statement you have made.

I think your therapists email response was clear and professional. I also wish deeply that you could meet in person to have some in person communication on this before you close out with her.

 

[qwyoey]

I don't trust you to share my precious memories about my aunt or other people that have loved me because you are violating my trust by not giving me what I want. I am not willing to be vulnerable about very precious memories and feelings if the person cannot be honest with me and giving me what I want.

This statement from a previous post... so deep and meaningful for your recovery I think. Look at it closely. Can you see how you are stepping in front of your therapist, and preventing deeper work?

To me, when I read this, a lightbulb hit.

What you want, and what you need... these things aren't always, and often won't be the same thing. A therapist is trained to give you what you need. Not what you want.

Have you ever looked at the literal definitions of grace or goodwill. I find that therapy needs a lot of it.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I need to be heard by the people on this forum. I agree I have issues that are why I go to therapy and I want to keep on going. After talking to my friend that saw her I feel calm. My friend was very comforting, compassionate, reassuring and validating. Some good stuff happened out of it. I connected with my friends and opened up about things. I got support, help, advice, caring, honesty, compassion, validation. I gained a lot. My friend helped me gain an understanding of where things went wrong.

Here is the reason why I think my therapist was taking advantage for the money. When I went to her I was very vulnerable it was the first time I started talking about my abuse and the issues I have. I told her I have problems with setting boundaries and saying NO and that I end up being taken advantage of. I trusted her a lot. I placed a huge trust in her. What happened is when I would tell her I am considering taking some time off from therapy or that during the summer I want to take a break she would keep gently pushing me towards scheduling sessions every session until I gave in. She would start telling me how this is good for me, how I would benefit from it. She did notice I was hesitant and afraid to be direct by saying NO. She just kept guiding my child part to give in. Cause I trusted her with that part she also betrayed it. I find this dishonest/manipulative of her and unethical. I agree that with people in the outside the world I do have a responsibility to set a boundary and to work on my issues. I trusted her cause she is a therapist and I am a vulnerable client. In most other relationships of equality I would have to own up my part of not setting boundaries but with this precious relationship, I hold her accountable. She knew what she was doing.

The positive part of the experience is that she helped me a lot. She helped me regain parts of myself I thought were lost. She helped me get in touch with my anger. She helped me get rid of unresolved guilt towards my mother feelings and towards her. She helped me resolve memories where I was in denial about my reality and what was going on. That is what actually set me free to see what was happening. I saw her as an imperfect person with flaws. The issue is about honesty and trust.

I am gonna keep on going on this journey and work with another therapist. I am determined to resolve my issues but I want a therapist I can trust not to take advantage of my obvious vulnerabilities. I consider this manipulative behavior.

 

[Suzetig]

I need to be heard by the people on this forum.

Why do you need to be heard by people here, and what would that look like to you?

For what it's worth, I do see people here gearing you, and seeing something different in your situation than you do. Not agreeing with you or validating you isn't the same as not hearing you - it means that other people have a different perspective on it than you do, which is always going to happen because you're in the situation and have a vested interest in the outcome.

I do think your T was open and direct and did set clear boundaries from what you've quoted in her responses. You may not like what she's said but she has been clear. It does seem like a good thing you're changing T - if you honestly feel she's been financially inappropriate with you it may be worth telling her that, formally complaining to her and going to her licensing body so that she can answer what is a fairly serious allegation to make about any professional.

I get that you're angry and feel she's not been professional with you, and I hear that you feel folk here just don't get it because they aren't agreeing or validating your experience, effectively aren't giving you what you want, and are offering alternative explanations for what may be happening. i don't think folk aren't hearing you, they just aren't giving you what you want.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

It does seem like a good thing you're changing T - if you honestly feel she's been financially inappropriate with you it may be worth telling her that, formally complaining to her and going to her licensing body so that she can answer what is a fairly serious allegation to make about any professional.

Thank you Suzetig for clarifying that. You are right they are hearing but not giving me what I want that is the validation of my experience. My friend gave me that cause she noticed the stuff very early on. She did not want to tell me that because she saw I have a good opinion of my therapists and that she helped me. However, the gut feeling was there since the beginning. When I started seeing her I was in a very bad place that I would have gone to anyone seriously and I feel that she took advantage of my vulnerability and my money.

I do honestly feel that she was financially inappropriate with me and that she was unethical or at the very boundaries of what is ethical. How do I file a formal complaint? How do I find her licensing body? Does it take money to file a complaint? About this part, I truly believe that there was unethical/manipulative behavior on her behalf when it came to money.

 

[Deleted member 28942]

I found this web site:
licensing-board-complaints | TELL: Therapy Exploitation Link Line

"Understand the Basics of Psychotherapy

I also read up on the fundamentals of psychotherapy and therapy abuse. Therapy is a very lop-sided relationship. There are hidden forces at work in psychotherapy that render a client virtually helpless. A therapist is completely responsible for managing those forces. No amount of education or intelligence protects clients from therapists who abuse that power. I had difficulty understanding the concept of power-imbalanced relationships, and even more difficulty realizing that I had actually been in one. My therapist and I had never been on equal footing. Only much later did I realize the full extent of his power over me.

I also had difficulty understanding the role of transference. I only understood that I had fallen in love. The fact that I had fallen in love with my therapist during the course of therapy seemed inconsequential. My feelings were real, but the situation that created them was not. My therapist had cultivated my feelings like a tender plant in a greenhouse. Transference gave him the power to easily lead me places I never would have gone otherwise.

Boundary violations were easier to understand than transference. I quickly became addicted to how special and lovely they made me feel. I did not feel their devastating impact until months later. They seemed insignificant at first, hardly worth writing down in my collection of facts. Though they began in tiny increments of seemingly harmless behavior, they grew increasingly large and reckless. Boundary violations were really more of a process than separate events. Arranged chronologically, I saw that they took on the momentum of a runaway train."

So yes I fully believe that my therapist used her power and exploited my vulnerability to get me into scheduling more sessions. The same happened with my friend. My friend left after 4-5 sessions cause she noticed this.

 

[qwyoey]

if you honestly feel she's been financially inappropriate with you it may be worth telling her that, formally complaining to her and going to her licensing body so that she can answer what is a fairly serious allegation to make about any professional.

I agree with @Suzetig that this is a serious allegation. If you want to make it, I think it would be best, in my opinion, that you speak with your new therapist first about these issues, and also consult with a legal specialist first.

In my opinion, unless you have some strong evidence that you aren't mentioning in this forum, your therapist has done nothing that seems inappropriate to me. I'm sure you can understand that any therapist wouldn't want a client with severe trauma issues to suddenly stop therapy.

You've posted before on this forum about money. Perhaps before you do anything out of hasty anger, you should take some time to examine how money makes you feel.

Taking into account all that you have written here, and from reading some of your other threads, it is my opinion that you do not have a case of a therapist abusing their position for money. You admit as a client you've made great progress. I think using your anger to pursue something would just be deflecting the issues you really need to address. I also think you are lashing out to wound. Writing a negative review of your therapist...doesn't seem like a thoughtful response to your full situation.

I hope you continue to make progress on your journey.