How Does One Love Oneself?

[Changing4Best]

@intothelight thanks for your thoughts. I was thinking of responding to someone in anger today, but then thought better of it and will not do so. (I was thinking ahead, trying to figure out how that person would respond to something I am going to be doing, whether or not they approve). Anyway, I know that anger would serve no purpose, that it could close the door to that person helping me in the future, and would therefore be counter-productive even if I am feeling it. So, a moderate response is called for, no matter what the person decides. And their response could alter my life to some great deal, so I know I have to be careful. I guess thinking ahead sometimes, is a loving act, and it is something I have not been very good at. I worry about the future a lot, but that does not count. PLANNING for the future is where I need to place my energies! There is a huge difference.

 

[Changing4Best]

I put some money into savings and plan to put more into savings today too. I put "candle" on my grocery list. I think If I buy a candle JUST FOR ME, and have it for ME to enjoy when I want a candle, I can and should afford that.

I also love to play board games. I told my husband this ONCE and he said he didn't and so I never pursued it further after that. For 23 years I was married to this man (he has since died) but I did not press for something that I always enjoyed as a child, simply because he ONCE said that he did not like to do that. Whenever he said, "No." I simply gave up. No discussion, no fight, no disagreement, I simply accepted what he wanted. And quite often it was not what *I* wanted at all.

I realize now that speaking up for myself, for what I want in life, is a loving act toward myself, and I need to start doing it, and doing it often. Yes, people can say, "No." But with a bit of gentle persuasion maybe they might say, "Yes." after all. Who knows....?

 

[The Albatross]

@SheilaKathy - "I worry about the future a lot, but that does not count. PLANNING for the future is where I need to place my energies! There is a huge difference." Yup, yup, yup... Bravo! :tup::tup::tup:

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I mention this only because I don't wish others to suffer needlessly, as I feel I blindly and very unintentionally did through the years. I also feel it's one of the many ways I never would have imagined was even necessary to consider in how I choose to love myself, but what an eye opener!

I never realized the depths of the causes of a lot of my suffering until I stopped doing most of the things I used to dearly love and viewed as being a choice that was simply pampering or treating myself in some way.

Dissecting labels and ingredients in ALL the things I chose to ingest, apply on self, or have in my immediate proximity is one of the best time investments I've ever made, albeit incredibly maddening once you learn what all is behind the curtains.

Please be careful with the candles and scents you surround yourself with and apply to your body. Endocrine disruption from artificial scents is a very real thing and messes with us in so many ways. We are swimming in a sea of tox-sick-city, inside and out.

The ways it messes with us are often labeled, treated, or dismissed as many other issues throughout our lives. They may not be the single cause of an issue, but they certainly contribute to the list of ways that aren't clearly visible or measurable.

Please read up on it (somewhere reputable, other than the sites that are trying to sell the products) and choose your aromas and such wisely, for the health of it. Also, please think of others in your life (including the environment) when choosing to use artificial scents. They can make some folks violently ill with just a small amount of exposure.

Many folks who are affected often won't mention it, as it's quite draining to try to explain it in the moment, especially while standing in the same space that is creating the problem, and most others often respond that they can't smell anything or aren't bothered in the least by it, but will rather simply avoid all the spaces and faces with scents.

For me, personally, it takes days to recover from an encounter as it brings on an immediate and severe headache, major nose and throat burn, feels like it sticks to my clothing and hair, the scent remains in my nose for a couple days, and nausea eventually sets in.

Prior to giving up cigarettes 11 years ago, you would have thought I was a paid spokesperson for the yankee candle company, glade plug-ins, bath and body works, and febreeze. I think I owned damn near every scent of each thing they offered at one point or another, along with the body sprays, lotions, shower gels, etc., and it was often my favorite gift giving option. Makes my nose burn just typing it. lol

Be super kind to your innards and your senses by pampering them with things that won't silently yet powerfully disrupt them. Thanks for reading and I hope I didn't ramble too much.

 

[Changing4Best]

WOW! I had no idea. Now I don't know if I should return the Vanilla candle I just bought for myself today or not. I know that the Sweet Pea one makes me feel good and I LOVE its aroma, but I don't know if it is a natural scent or an artificial one. I doubt that they are even required to say so on the label, let me go check right now...

Nope, it does not say.

I guess I need to do some serious thinking, as scents in general have never bothered me OTHER THAN cigarette smoke, which annoys me. My husband was a smoker for many years and I finally did get him to smoke outside or in his office with the door closed, once the powers that be started to warn us against second hand smoke. He died from Diabetes complications, 8 years after a massive stroke. He was 75 when he died. I always wonder how much longer he would have lived if he had not been a smoker, but I never could get him to quit for himself or for me. Only a Dr. finally got him to quit, saying that maybe he might not have to have a bypass operation on his leg if he quit that day. He did so, had to have the operation 6 months later anyway....

He became a candy addict after quitting smoking and developed the diabetes shortly thereafter. Not long after that he had the stroke. I HATE CIGARETTES!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I don't think the labeling criteria, or whatever one would call it, requires companies to disclose ALL the details, especially when it comes to scents and such. They can get away with just labeling things as "contains fragrance", if I'm not mistaken.

I've come to learn that even though the alphabet agencies such as the FDA claim something is safe, it doesn't mean it's safe for my particular biology, nor will it remain safe for the whole, regardless of the "safe" amounts allowed. I also learned that I may not realize just how unsafe it is until much later in life, after all that stuff accumulates and wreaks havoc in my system.

My new way of picking products is to choose only those I could safely ingest, even if it isn't meant to be ingested, as all things we absorb come through many channels, including breath and skin. It all really is connected, even though we're taught to divide and separate. I end up making a lot of my own products so I can be certain of their make-up and effects.

I've experienced more than enough harm from the agency approved things (foods, beverages, hygiene and cleaning products, etc.) that are highly marketed and labeled as being safe without needing to continue to let them use me as their guinea pig anymore. Here's some more detailed info on how they do their thing: Fragrances in Cosmetics

 

[Changing4Best]

I don't use an cosmetics, unless you consider shampoo and toothpaste as such? I wear no make-up, in other words, and hardly ever have. I have been told that I have beautiful skin many a time, so I guess make-up would just obscure that! I rarely wash my face and I think this has to do with how young I look for my age too. Between not ruining my skin with soap or cosmetics, I guess I just got lucky. My dislike of bathing and washing, unless it really seemed necessary, has saved me from dry skin also. I only use soap where it is needed, no place else!

 

[Changing4Best]

OK, I did not like the smell of the vanilla candle.

Now, do I love myself enough to dare take it back to the store and ask for a refund?

Will they even give me one?? I'm not sure if it is a returnable product! There is nothing on the receipt about returns. I often return stuff, even without a receipt, and they usually take it back without any problem. However, now that I have burned the candle, I don't know what they will think. But really, it didn't smell that great, nothing as nice as my Sweet Pea one at all! I don't know what to do now. I bought it before I read your comments on scents and stuff, @Tornadic Thoughts.

But this is a question for anyone who wants to answer!

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I'm curious, did it smell differently when being burned than when you bought it, or did you just impulsively buy it assuming it would smell good? I doubt if they'll take it back once it's been burned as they can't resell it. However, I'd go ahead and make a call to them and ask what their policy is on items that customers have purchased and aren't satisfied with once used. Can't hurt to ask. Otherwise, if you know of a vanilla scent lover, pass it on, or donate it to a thrift shop, perhaps.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

My "assignment" stemming from therapy these days, is to find qualities in myself that are good and likeable. I can list some, but find it hard to BELIEVE them, or "own" them.

Having spent my life hating myself, it's a whole different way of thinking! I would NEVER say to ANYONE, the things I say to me. I do know there is NO basis for my self-loathing, just that it's been a lifelong belief about myself.

I AM on a journey to become 100% "authentic." Meaning that what shows on the outside, matches how I feel. That is a bit difficult, because I don't want to LOOK as sad as I FEEL sometimes!

I always thought I would have "laugh lines", but the sorrows of life, and depression have "set" my expression as "sad". I spent about 4-5 months without upper teeth and that REALLY stole my smile. But, I am NOT QUITTING!!!

I am moving into self-compassion, which is progress!

 

[Hope4Now]

Take the candle back to the store. Grumble about it. All you can do is give it a try, even if they say no!

I want to love ME. I just really don't know exactly HOW to go about it?

Lots of people have responded to this question in great ways--on two tracks...things we DO to be kind to ourselves, and things we THINK/FEEL about ourselves. I believe that learning to love oneself is a process, and we have to learn how to shift our focus to our hearts and out of our heads. To tune in to how our hearts are feeling (e.g., not how we should feel, but how we do feel). And then just hang out with those feelings with compassion and openness, no matter what the feelings are. The more we practice this openness and respond to our feelings with self-compassion, the more self-love will grow.

The practice of lovingkindness meditation (also called metta) that @Bearlinda mentioned is a great one to do. I used to do this three times a day and have fallen out of the practice. This thread has reminded me to return to it!

Here's two links to my favorite meditation guide, Tara Brach. One is 11 minutes, the other is 22 minutes.
Guided Meditation - "Loving Kindness" (22:10 min) - Tara Brach
Guided Meditation: Metta (Lovingkindness) (11:48 min) - Tara Brach

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

Tara Brach was quite helpful in my attempts of learning more mindful ways to be, too. Pema Chodron is a favorite to listen to as well. I just finished another one of her audio books, "Making Friends With Your Mind: The Key To Contentment". I find her easy to listen to and absorb. She keeps it real while reminding you how simple it really can be, which is what I often lose sight of. I am an expert at complicating things.