Sexual Assault Promiscuity following sexual abuse/assault

[Gruba]

How common is sexual promiscuity in victims of sexual abuse and/or sexual assault?

I was molested for a period of several months at age 12. I then "lost my virginity" (willingly) shortly before my 17th birthday. I was in a stable relationship with that man for about a year and he cheated on me shortly before my 18th birthday. I then essentially screwed anything with a penis for the next year. I'm now ashamed of that behaviour and my husband knows nothing of it. He doesn't know how promiscuous I was and he doesn't know how many men I've been with.
Anyone else??
If you're currently in a committed and stable relationship, does your significant other know?
Should I tell my husband about it? If so, how?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

When my husband and I were dating we went over sexual history. I was really physical with guys after being raped, but didn't have intercourse with them (did do oral, though). It was a power control/test thing, I think. Plus I blocked out most of my trauma (storing it in my head as a no-impact rape) prior and never told anyone. When I mentioned the "list" and rape (in which I kind of defended the guy), my now-husband didn't care, probably because he was with a lot of people before knowing me. I don't know if you need to tell your husband or not. If this stuff is affecting your ability to be intimate, you probably should. But it doesn't mean that you need to list every sorted detail. I doubt I will ever tell my husband what actually happened during the rape. I can barely say it to my therapist. Plus, my husband thinks that I should just get over it.

 

[Friday]

How common is sexual promiscuity in victims of sexual abuse and/or sexual assault?

Roughly 50/50. About half go sexually promiscuous & the other half go sexually anorexic. I'm saying roughly because not only do the numbers wobble a bit depending on which study, and how it's phrased, but also because a small section have no effect on their sexual behaviors, whatsoever, at any time. But this is one of the ones that has a really solid double bell curve in it, with most people splitting into somewhere on one side or the other.

I was in a stable relationship with that man for about a year and he cheated on me shortly before my 18th birthday. I then essentially screwed anything with a penis for the next year.

That's also super common, even without a history of sexual abuse, although I haven't looked up the data on it in years and years. (Like intro to sex & sexuality 200 or 300 level, I kind of forget). There are a whole lot of different subcultures that have different names for it, and slightly different ethos. My personal fav is "Best way over one man is under another." ;) But rebound, wild oats, revenge sex, & maybe a few dozen others exist.

I'm now ashamed of that behaviour and my husband knows nothing of it. He doesn't know how promiscuous I was and he doesn't know how many men I've been with.
Anyone else??
If you're currently in a committed and stable relationship, does your significant other know?
Should I tell my husband about it? If so, how?

I've never been ashamed of my sexual history, so I've never really hidden it from others / and fairly open about my past. I also don't view it as anyone else's business, so there's no compunction to disclose. My current sexual activities are my partner's business, but my past is my own business. So I certainly don't feel obligated to give them my sexual CV. I've dated people who felt otherwise, although most had fairly similar thinking on the subject. Which makes sense, as we were dating. I don't usually date people who have wholly opposite views on most matters, but it's certainly happened from time to time.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

I used to be pretty promiscuous in my past as well. I have never been in a relationship with a guy that has really wanted to know too much about my sexual history, in my experience the main concern is if you have a STD, beyond that guys don't really want to even think about you being with other guys. I have only been with one guy who wanted to know "my number". My thought is- if he asks about it of course you should be honest but, other than that I do not think those are details you should feel like you should have to tell him unless he asks. However, I agree that if it affecting your intimacy in some way due to a past trauma, yes it is important to open up about that to work through it.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I believe its very common, I myself have engaged in extreme promiscuous behavior (w/ large numbers of people), its part of another form of numbing. In fact I still do at times, and with the risk involved its another form of self-harm.

 

[NewBeginnings]

How common is sexual promiscuity in victims of sexual abuse and/or sexual assault?

I can be included in the yes yes yes category. I was super promiscuous even though I know I hated myself for it. I would go to bars and have others buy my drinks and take me "home"... I ended up in so many places ... I know I passed out - I have hints of memories of some of it. I would have bruising and bleeding to show for my behavior and all the while I basically asked for it. I am so ashamed of my past and I know I could never share this with my husband. I judge myself far too much already and couldn't bear to be judged for what I did. I don't believe I could share and have him forget. It would be a problem... that said @WishfulThinking123 brings up a good point that it interferes with intimacy- that sounds right too me. Even after I settled down because of kids I would only really have sex if I had been drinking. Now that I drink so much less I have a hard time wanting to have sex - I am a horrible example because I don't have intimacy either -....Gosh sorry way to much info here as a rambles away trying to reply.

We all have our own comfort zone and even though I can't bring myself to share maybe others do and it may be healthy.

 

[Gruba]

I didn't touch on my intimacy issues. I hate any and all kinds of intimacy. My husband was never the type that dated or slept with lots of girls. I'm his first serious and long term relationship and I have far more experience in all aspects of relationships, sexual to romantic. He's very sweet and enjoys the intimate side of things, making love, cuddling, hugs, eyeb contact, etc and I hate all of it. I haven't been able to tell him that yet. I do the best I can to fulfill his needs for intimacy but it's really hard. I have always maintained my sexual health and have no concerns on that front. I've been monogamous for 8 years, 2 with my abusive ex and 6 with my husband. I've been careful with details, so far, when we get to talking about our pasts but, he has made comments about how much he dislikes the type of girl I used to be.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

For some reason I seem to engage in this activity when things have an element of uncertainty to them (my hypervigilance does not allow for uncertainty). I have been lucky so far that I have not caught an STD, which is sort of amazing, considering I did not care if protection was used (a form of self harm) and I would let as many as 100 or so use me in a session. I always feel ashamed afterwards, that I allowed myself to do it to numb. For some reason 1 does not numb me, which is why my promiscuous activity has always been group stuff. I don't do this often, seems only when I feel bad and other methods of numbing don't work or are denied me.

I just wish I had a better view on life, but I don't, life is misery, and I have cycles where I want out of life. I guess that's probably why I don't care if protection is used. As HIV leads to death which I would welcome. If I found out I had cancer I would opt to have no treatment for the same reason, in fact recently I had a Mammogram and they had to do a sonogram because they saw something, it turned out to be nothing, but I was actually wishing they had found cancer.

You would think I would have a better attitude towards life as it is, given that I just got out of the hospital for S/I.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Gruba Don't take this the wrong way but, I don't think your husband should be saying things like how he hates the girl you used to be. You seem to obviously feel ashamed and bad about it already and I don't think it is fair that your husband continues to make those comments. The fact that you have changed is something you should be proud of! Changing patterns is something that is really hard to do and I don't think you should continue to feel guilty (I know easier said than done). It is understandable why you might hate intimacy due to your past and being promiscuous eventually can make you hate that as well because, it tends to take away the loving aspect of it and there's usually a disconnection instead of an emotional connection (this has been my experience). I do think if you are really hating intimacy this should be something you should discuss. One day your husband might start being able to tell that you feel a little withdrawn/disconnected and he may internalize that as something is wrong with him or he has done something wrong. I think your husband would be a lot happier finding out from you that it has nothing to do with him rather than thinking it does.. if that makes sense? Are you seeing a t? Maybe she can give you some good tips/dialog of how exactly to approach this subject with him.

@recoveringfromptsd I totally understand where you are coming from. My past promiscuity I believe was also a form of self harm as I was an adult woman who knew the risks yet didn't tend to care either (I was saved in this realm as well thank goodness!) I am so sorry that you are feeling so low right now. *Hugs* I know life can seem hard sometimes especially with ptsd but things will get better! If you ever want to talk, I am here. Are you in t?

 

[Kintsugi]

I don't think your husband should be saying things like how he hates the girl you used to be. You seem to obviously feel ashamed and bad about it already and I don't think it is fair that your husband continues to make those comments. The fact that you have changed is something you should be proud of!

I think he's saying that whilst unaware that that is the girl she used to be.

 

[Gruba]

@Gruba Don't take this the wrong way but, I don't think your husband shou...

Yes, he is saying it with no knowledge of my past. Which is why I'm struggling to decide if I should tell him or not. If I tell him, I don't know how he will react or if it will change how he sees me but, it will have an effect on the comments he makes. On the other hand, if I don't tell him, I know nothing will change in how he sees me, I would just have to learn how to ignore his comments since he doesn't know. It's a tough decision.

 

[Kintsugi]

You are married. For better or for worse, etc.