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Are you ever free?

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My purpose

Oh I wish I had even a small glimpse of what my purpose of being alive using up good air is!

I am changing slowly over time through my stubborn persistence, and through my determination

I have this as well. I think of it as super stuborn persistence. And determination. I have determination in other things too. In jobs. In games. In fun. It's my nature to be determined.

Thanks for the reply!
 
This is a great question @lostforgottensoul .
I know I replied before but it pulled me back.
Freedom has so many individual meanings. Freedom has so many unknowns and we have no foundation to imagine which way to go. There is no denial our experiences changed us in ways that is most likely (not definitely!) unchangeable.
That which has such vicious immensity is broken down to an acronym or two, three, four. Even the acronyms can be taboo to speak outside a controlled setting. We are given pills, and homework that is more acronyms. CBT, DBT, EMDR around and around we go.
No denying we were shaped by "it". "It" is not a single event. "It" is Life as we know it.
We do have a choice however if "it" will define us. We are not our past. We are not our abusers. We are not going to be a victim to our last breath. We have a future and OUR choices define it. Self-awareness means being uncomfortable with change but knowing that discomfort is better than repeating the cycle guaranteed to add just another chapter to the old story. Change is hard and slow filled with quicksand. Change is walking away from people who are no good for us. It will not stop the memories or the pain. Not so far in my experience anyway but there is progress. It doesn't matter how long it takes. Its a lifetime journey and hopefully we will always be a work in progress. Make goals, challenge yourself to new growth. Create new memories. Start a new story and consciously decide how you want to define you.
You will figure it out. As long as you're willing to work your ass off and keep getting back up.
 
Damn @Alice.in.Wonderland, you should be writing speaches!

A good post! Lots to think about and mull over.

You ever wonder how much is actually choice? Being told that this or that can change if you want to change it bad enough. Ever wonder if that's true about all of it? That's what I am wondering at the moment anyway.
 
Ever wonder if that's true about all of it?
Yes I do wonder @lostforgottensoul. I know for me life is filled with what I call my "Salieri Moments"
Why God? Why fill me with such desire and no talent? Not a direct quote but close enough.
I love to sing, dance, write and create. I am not a craft hoarder. I'm the curator of an extensive private craft supply collection.
I will never be a choreographer, maybe there is still some dance lessons in my future if I screw up the courage and can feel well long enough.. My dog doesn't run out of the room when I sing (as long as I keep treats in my pocket) so I have an audience.
I come here and I write and as soon as I get it organized ( I WILL!!) I will sew, bake clay in various shapes, solder vintage (old) jewelry and make it something totally new, paint (doesn't matter what, the list is too long), fill my wall with photographs I took placed in frames I made myself and send everyone a greeting card I designed with my die cutting machine. Oh and I almost forgot the dollhouse and the doll clothes...
I have moments I can laugh at myself with a shrug. I'm a work in progress after all.
I can choose to say a genuine thank you. I can choose to hold the door open for someone and smile.
It's easy to be charming for a few seconds to a stranger, and its fun. I only have to remember to go outside. Fortunately I have a job and that helps. If you have anyone in your life, take the time and make the effort to create a good memory. Even if it means that someone is a dog and you have to put treats in your pocket.
 
You made me smile @Alice.in.Wonderland! And yes, my dog and cat are both...
One more thing @lostforgottensoul and then I have to go to bed.
I never missed less then fifty days a year in grade school. A counselor told me that right before saying I was wasting space. I never went to high school, I was too busy getting high. I was on my own at 16, had my first child at 18 and moved from one abusive relationship to another. At 42 I tried to take my life AGAIN. I had a therapist who asked me what I thought of going back to school. I said that would be wonderful BUT... she stopped me and said, no buts, do you want to go back to school?
I had at some point in the past had gotten my GED and passed by the skin of my teeth. We are talking scores in the 50s.
I started Community College two months after I got out of the hospital. 10 days before school started I had to have my gall bladder out. I still went. I went part time, went to therapy and looked for a job. No one would hire me. Not even Wawa. Finally I got hired at Kmart for the Christmas season. I was so tired I was nodding out in class. Still, I went. Two years in, I was a student hire at a government job. It was not to go beyond two years and only be part time.
My first paycheck I moved out into my own apartment. It was on the second floor, and I had to sit at the top of the stairs to drink my coffee. I worked my ass off, always offering to do more, never complaining and still going to school. I started internet dating. I met the man who would be my husband.
I got hired full time at the job and in 8 years I went from a student hire to getting a job as an office manager in a new city. I was received a National Award for administrative excellence. I got my Associates Degree with a 3.49 GPA. My new love treated me with respect and we traveled. We went to NYC and did all the tours and I saw Broadway shows. We would drive in October and talk or listen to music, just drive until we found the mountains full of autumn color. We cooked together, music playing and swaying to music as we shared a bottle of wine. He took me to Disney World though he had no interest. Vegas, The Grand Canyon, Meir Woods, Sequoia National Park, San Francisco, tours to Israel, Italy and France.
Then he retired and slowly started to change, the office manager job was in a new city and the people there were totally toxic. He declined and was no longer the man I fell in love with. I didn't want to go to work and I didn't want to go home. He got a bruise one day and two weeks later I had to decide to take him off the machines. He was still breathing on his own and it takes time when the kidneys stop working. 5 days actually. I stayed with him the whole time and took over most of his hospice care. The ass kicking started that year. Actually the year before when I first changed jobs. My ass is still being kicked. But I chose to go back to work after being out for 6 months. I went to a different office and took a demotion. The commute is 2 hours each way.
But damn we had a good run! Beyond my wildest dreams!
And then it was all gone and Hell returned. I'm 58 and my bounce-back ability has lost some spring.
I choose not to give up. I still have a job and I plan on heading to D.C. lots of government jobs there. I choose to go where the work is. I will get a promotion too! I will also go back to school and get my Bachelor's Degree. I choose.

So yes @lostforgottensoul - Our choices do make a difference.

Sorry for going on so long but I really want you to know, life has some great plans for you. Grab them and treasure them. Choose!:hug:
 
I feel like the past has me locked up. I continue to reenact it...it rules me still. Are yo...


I've felt like this for years, but you will break free, one shackle at a time. Believe me.
This is coming from someone who was certain there's no hope just a few weeks ago, and suddenly I see drastic improvement.
Its a steep and jagged learning slope to get out of your past's clutches, and its worth it.
 
I am wondering whether anyone has tried hypnotherapy for PTSD - in Australian guidelines it can be offered but if refused it is not to be pushed. I was offered in my first days of treatment but not knowing my T I had trust issues about making myself vulnerable - he never offered again and I just wondered about it compared to other therapies because I heard you don't have to consciously relive the experience all the time like in CBT
 
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