Why bother having sex?

[Ehi]

Amazon has a whole slew of books and DVDs that cover tantra and trantric sex.

Well, that's a cop-out answer, though I admit I should have googled "tantra for sexual trauma" first. When I did, all I found was a bunch of charlatans who do yoni massages on impressionable rape survivors, so ... no thanks to your tantra.

 

[Gasovu]

Well, that's a cop-out answer, though I admit I should have googled "tantra for sexual trauma" first. When I did, all I found was a bunch of charlatans who do yoni massages on impressionable rape survivors, so ... no thanks to your tantra.

So from your attitude I'm guessing you already have all the answers and are happy where you are. Why come here then?

 

[Sajf]

I'd like to learn how to enjoy sex please. Some people seem to, for reasons I cannot fathom. Maybe they've never experienced bad sexual events. But me? I've pretty much ONLY experienced bad sexual events.

I've had both, which undoubtedly helped, as I had a meter of comparison. I knew how amazing sex could be -or I thought I did, I've had far better since then- before my first rape. Still had to do a whole lot of work, and it wasn't a fast process.

There's not going to be an easy answer on learning to enjoy sex. Not a fan of tantra here, either, but to each their own. Sex is mostly about preference. The best thing on life for one person is just meh for another person.

What I did was a combination of processing though all my trauma, and exposure therapy, and exploration (finding out what my preferences were).

 

[Ehi]

So from your attitude I'm guessing you already have all the answers and are happy where you are. Why come here then?

Asking for help, then asking for specific recommdations hardly seems like "having all the answers." Then after asking for specific recommdations, being told "Amazon has thousands of things" is the opposite of a helpful answer. Maybe you shouldn't bother to reply at all if you're not willing to actually help.

 

[Ehi]

There's not going to be an easy answer on learning to enjoy sex.

I guess I knew that. :( I sure wish there was.

What I did was a combination of processing though all my trauma, and exposure therapy, and exploration (finding out what my preferences were).

This is actually helpful information. Thanks. I'm guessing it took you years and years, right? I'm not sure I have that much time.

I guess I have to think really hard about cost vs. benefit of spending years trying to fix this.

 

[Ninod]

being told "Amazon has thousands of things" is the opposite of a helpful answer. Maybe you shouldn't bother to reply at all if you're not willing to actually help.

Is a suggestion not help? Do you expect everyone else to do your research for you? There's literally no need to be rude to someone trying to help you. Even if the "help" is perceived as "the opposite of helpful". Someone shared intimate and probably painful details for your benefit. Then you decided when they wouldn't do the research for you they are useless. It's kinda selfish and mean. GOOGLE IS FREE sometimes people aren't going to do the legwork for you.

It's also incredibly easy to be rude when using the anonymous forum.

NoWhereKnowWhere

 

[Tuzatem]

The Op sounds very much like my husband. I was half tempted to say "Honey, is that you?" He says he doesn't get any physical please from sex.

I assume your wife has a healthy sex drive? I do, but since my husband doesn't I have had to adjust. A lot of relationships have mismatched sex drives and at least for me, I can take care of it myself just fine. I just need plenty of non sexual physical affection and reassurance that my husband finds me attractive.

So my point is, stop worrying so much about making yourself learn to like sex, and focus instead on affection and making your wife feel attractive and desirable. You may not desire sex, but tell her she is sexy and you desire to be close to her. It will keep the peace more smoothly in a low sex relationship.

 

[Ehi]

Is a suggestion not help? Do you expect everyone else to do your research for you? There's literally no need to be rude to someone trying to help you. Even if the "help" is perceived as "the opposite of helpful". Someone shared intimate and probably painful details for your benefit. Then you decided when they wouldn't do the research for you they are useless. It's kinda selfish and mean. GOOGLE IS FREE sometimes people aren't going to do the legwork for you.

I guess I should have been more specific when asking for a specific recommendation. Just ONE book, DVD, or website could have helped. But I guess it was unreasonable of me to ask for that. Luckily, googling led me to discover just how stupid and abusive tantra really is, so I guess I shouldn't have that person for being unhelpful.

I will leave you all to your shit. Enjoy it. I'm done here.

 

[Ehi]

So my point is, stop worrying so much about making yourself learn to like sex, and focus instead on affection and making your wife feel attractive and desirable. You may not desire sex, but tell her she is sexy and you desire to be close to her. It will keep the peace more smoothly in a low sex relationship.

Thank you. That seems like excellent advice and not really something I've thought much about. I have an annoying tendency to want to fix things. Maybe I can just improve my situation without having to fix myself. I don't know.

I almost wish I hadn't asked the question. The helpful answers have been almost as frustrating as the unhelpful one because now I have so much more to think about. Hmm.

 

[Fefu]

I admit I should have googled "tantra for sexual trauma" first. When I did, all I found was a bunch of charlatans who do yoni massages on impressionable rape survivors, so ... no thanks to your tantra.

Perhaps improving your research and interpersonal skills would be beneficial also. If you respond to your wife in your day to day happenings as you did in this thread to those trying to genuinely help you, I can see why intimacy would be a struggle.

Start looking for beginners information vs. info based in trauma to start out with, would be my suggestion, to get a genuine look at what tantric sex really is, beyond the obvious BS gurus, that is if you're truly open to giving it a try. If you've already determined in your mind that it's all bullshit, then it will likely remain bullshit no matter what.

For a more specific example, look on you tube for a video about tantric sex for beginners and/or slightly lazy people by Layla Martin. That info may or may not suit you and your wife. Have you discussed anything tantric related with your wife to give her a chance to do her own research, or are you waiting until you find something that makes total sense and seems doable to you and you only before discussing it with her?

If you view everything as a problem to fight, fix, and wage war against, you'll likely remain in a state of lack. If you respond from a more nurturing and compassionate stance and try to love and innerstand your way through it instead of fighting your way through it, it may help achieve the desired results a bit smoother and much less frustratingly...or not. Everyone's mileage varies.

 

[Ehi]

Perhaps improving your research and interpersonal skills would be beneficial also. If you respond to your wife in your day to day happenings as you did in this thread to those trying to genuinely help you, I can see why intimacy would be a struggle.

Ha ha, ouch.

For a more specific example, look on you tube for a video about tantric sex for beginners and/or slightly lazy people by Layla Martin.

That's all I really wanted - a recommendation. There is so much information it's impossible to know where to start. Not everyone wants to help, for some reason. Yeah, it's probably because I'm an ass.

That info may or may not suit you and your wife. Have you discussed anything tantric related with your wife to give her a chance to do her own research, or are you waiting until you find something that makes total sense and seems doable to you and you only before discussing it with her?

The second one, and from your phrasing I assume you think that's a bad idea. It probably is. I guess I'll look at it then decide if it's something I myself want to think about pursuing.

If you view everything as a problem to fight, fix, and wage war against, you'll likely remain in a state of lack. If you respond from a more nurturing and compassionate stance and try to love and innerstand your way through it instead of fighting your way through it, it may help achieve the desired results a bit smoother and much less frustratingly...or not. Everyone's mileage varies.

I don't know how to stop fighting. I do not know how to be compassionate. As I said, I am an ass. I am lucky that someone married me, and I am in imminent risk of losing that. I suspect that my wife leaving would be her best move, and maybe my bets move would be to just let it happen.

Sorry, bad day. I will be a feistier ass tomorrow, probably.

 

[Fuhufa]

I need to preface this somewhat and say that I am a man, which makes it an even more ridiculous question, and I am married...

Gosh not all women are the same !... Sex is a trust thing and intimacy... but sometimes our brains dont want it.. our bodies dont need it... I would love a man just to cuddle with and absolultely no sex... it doesnt matter really does it.. its all about having companionship .. Sex isnt all that matters - I agree !!!. and I wish to remain anonymous ... haha