Opening up to my children

[FauxLiz]

I have been really struggling lately, seesawing on the edge of suicidal not just ideation but planning, letter writing and such. I had a really tough session with my T this morning after I let him read the most recent letters to my children. He told me and rightly so that the letters were essentially a big F@@K You to my kids because I allude to them finding out things about me once I am gone. He believes that if I were to succeed at some point and my kids found out about the traumas in my past after the fact by reading my journals it would be worse for them. I have never told anyone in my family but my T would like me to consider having a joint session with my children to talk about my past. Has anyone else every considered or done this with members of their family and their T?

 

[Friday]

The jobs I worked for several years involved a lot of grieving family members. Not just those being informed of their child/spouse/siblings/etc. death, but of their survival of really terrible things. I honestly don't know which was worse. I've watched people try and take their own life in the grief, pain, and shock of it. I made the decision after the very first time that there was no way in hell I was ever going to tell my family about anything that should ever happen to me. IDFK how many times after that was that decision reaffirmed. No way in hell am I putting them through that.

Is it the right decision? Shrug. No idea. It's the right one for me.

Lo these many years later my son's counselor wanted me to be more open with my son about what his father had done & was doing me in the divorce/marriage, as there was major parental alienation going on and she wanted to help balance the scales. I outright refused, and then talked with her privately, later. I have her a short list, along with medical records and police statements, and she blanched and agreed. These were not things my son should have to carry the burden of. If I was willing to sacrifice my relationship with him in order to protect him from it, then maybe someday he'd understand. I got lucky. It took a few years of getting nose bleeds from the high road, and my son despising me, but he came around. In theory "they" all say kids do that. That they're smart and figure it out. In practice? You never really know. So it was scary, and painful, and hard, the waiting.

So is it something I've considered? Yes. Do I think it's a terrible idea? Also, yes.

I think it's an extra bad idea if it's just helping you clear your slate to kill yourself. Because, then what? Not only do they get to blame themselves, but anything terrible happens to them & they have an awesome example to follow. Mom was right. I should just kill myself. Which, yes, has also been part of my thought process in my suicidal ideation. What am I teaching my kid to do when life is hard?

Again, not saying what you should/shouldn't do. Just my own thoughts & opinions on the matter, and what I've decided to do & why.

 

[Rumors]

I don't know if it is a terrible idea or not, HOWEVER I do know that committing suicide and leaving your kids and family over a preconceived notion about how they would act or feel towards you is a bad idea.
You can't leave your kids with that kind of demon to fight. I don't mean to sound manipulative but I just went through a really bad time with my dad and fearing he would kill himself before we got him in to treatment. It was an awful feeling. Left me sick most days and afraid. I was afraid to walk in to his house bc I wasn't sure if I would find him dead. It's just awful. That is a burden you don't want to leave your kids. Do whatever it takes to make sure you don't kill yourself.
Best wishes and prayers you feel better soon...

 

[FauxLiz]

I think it's an extra bad idea if it's just helping you clear your slate to kill yourself.

@Friday the idea of having the discussion with my kids is not to clear the slate to kill myself. If I understand what my T intends to come out of the discussion/disclosure is for me to feel less alone, less of a burden on them by messing up their lives with my depression, health problems, nightmares and living with trauma.

I don't know if it is a terrible idea or not, HOWEVER I do know that committing suicide and leaving your kids and family over a preconceived notion about how they would act or feel towards you is a bad idea.

@Rumors if I were to commit suicide it would not be related in any way to how I think they would act or feel it is how I feel about myself, the way I think about myself and the way I view the future.

 

[Rumors]

@Friday the idea of having the discussion with my kids is not to clear the slate to...

It doesn't matter what YOU think..you will be gone...they will feel that way. You will be leaving them with the thought that they weren't enough or that you didn't trust them enough to understand or help. It is human nature. Further, they will likely require years of therapy to understand why their parent decided killing themselves was a better option than living here and loving them. I promise you, I have lived that thought process. I know my dads issues aren't related to me...logically...but there is a part of me that feels sad that I am not enough for him to stay sober, be healthy, participate in life, stay alive. Don't do this to your kids... Your intent may be to stop your pain but I promise you that you will be inflicting pain on your kids and family. Please do whatever it takes to get the help you need to feel better. You are worthy of love and happiness. I hope you can think about how this would leave your kids... Wrecked!

 

[Nessa7]

I've been the child in this scenario, but the therapist was absolutely horrible. My father does not have PTSD, but he does have a serious mental illness and past traumas. I'm not entirely sure that there is any useful advice to come from the experience, except that maybe it would be better to plan it for when you are not in the midst of a depression.

My aunt and I did do something like this, but using the advice of her therapist rather than having her be present. (There were privacy issues.) It was a short conversation without details. I think the most helpful thing was that it gave me a framework to help me understand stuff that had confused me. It also helped me think about unhealthy behaviors that I had learned from my parents.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Rumors what you said is very similar to what my T has said to me about the damage it would do to my kids if I were to commit suicide. A lot of times it is really hard to see reasons why staying alive outweigh reasons that they would be better off without me.

I spent most of last night and today watching the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why and I still am confused. Right now I will keep trying one day at a time. I think I will stick with my instincts though and not have that conversation with my kids. I have spent their lives trying to protect them from things and my past is definitely something I can protect them from.

 

[Rumors]

I realize this subject is fairly triggering for me so please understand where my response is coming from...
First, get off Netflix. It does not have any answers for you. I watched some of that show and in no way is there any answers or reality to be found there. Next, it's time to take a step back and look at what you are saying. Please say this out loud... "it is really hard to see reasons why staying alive outweigh reasons that they would be better off without me." AND "I have spent their lives trying to protect them from things and my past is definitely something I can protect them from." REALLY???? If you are really trying to "protect" them then killing yourself isn't an option.
Stop...just stop this. You don't get it both ways. You can't in one breath claim to want to protect your kids and in the next claim they are better off without you... You know this would devastate them. I am telling you it would devastate them. I am that kid. I lived through this bullshit with my dad. It is the most selfish position you will ever take in your life and death. I am begging you to turn off the tv, go out and find some help, go help other people...do something positive...talk to your kids. You ARE NOT PROTECTING THEM BY KILLING YOURSELF. YOU ARE HURTING THEM FAR WORSE THAN YOUR PAST COULD EVER HURT THEM. Having a parent that is healthy is the best thing you can do for them and you owe them that. You brought them in to this world. They didn't ask for you...don't be the reason why they struggle for the rest of their life with grief and sadness over the loss of a parent. It's one thing to die from cancer, but to have a parent kill themselves is tragic.
I'm sorry if I sound coarse. I am sad that you don't get it. You can't rest on your instincts as you so describe them but you are making a horrific mistake. I am sad for your kids. My deepest prayer and thoughts go out to you tonight in hopes that you will cling on to something I said and make a change. I promise you that it can be better....

 

[Fadeaway]

As a child of a parent who committed suicide, trust me, whatever they would find out about your past after you were gone would seem minuscule in comparison to the act.

I know why mom made the choice she did, and I don't begrudge her that. I do struggle with the lack of self worth that comes from knowing my mom didn't love me enough to not want me to suffer too. 15 years later and I still cry about it at least once a week.

Honestly, I wish I didn't know what I know about my moms trauma. If I didn't know, I might find it easier to forgive her for leaving me without a mother.How could someone who know what trauma is like, inflict it on someone else.

Honestly, when I thought it was just her drug addiction that caused her to commit suicide, I understood. Once I realized my grandmother probably f*cked her up as bad as she f*cked me up, I also realized my mom didn't think or care enough about me to protect me from the same kind of pain.

@Friday much respect, much respect

 

[Fadeaway]

The grief isn't what sucks it was the hit to my self worth knowing I was not worth her living for.

 

[Rumors]

@Fadeaway
So sorry... I struggled with that as I watched my dad go through the suicide talk. I couldn't understand why hanging out with me wasn't enough.. Lol..I got him in to a treatment program, but he is far from being out of the woods. I am really sorry you have to love with that...

 

[FauxLiz]

@Rumors and @Fadeaway I am sorry that you have lost family members to suicide and I understand that for both of you the idea of someone considering ending their life is both upsetting and infuriating. That said thoughts of suicide are not like a light switch that you just decide one day to flip to an off position. The first time I asked for help with these thoughts I was 12 and I followed the "rules" and went to someone I should have been able to trust, I was ridiculed, other school staff (not trained counselors by any means) were called in and I was humiliated. I have continued living one day at a time.

As for my children not asking to be brought into this world, that is a story for another time that in both cases involves rape, religious beliefs and my trying to do my damnedest to give them the life they deserve because you are right they didn't ask to be born. I respect your opinion that suicide is selfish please respect mine that it is the worst kind of pain to live with day in and day out and I continue to do my best to stave off the beast. I don't want to traumatize my children there are just some periods in life where I can't see through the fog of emotional, physical and mental pain to see the other side.