Opening up to my children

[Fadeaway]

I don't believe suicide is selfish. I get the suicidal ideation, believe me. I know the pain. I can speak from both sides, but would you wish upon them what you are feeling right now?

 

[Leighlee87]

I've been where you are at and my heart goes out to you. I remember the depths of that pain and how devestation it felt to realize that there wasn't anything strong enough to make me want to stay, including my own children. Because there is a period of arguing with yourself not to do it, and your own kids do come up.

As far as having the conversation with your children and therapist about your trauma, how old are your children? And have you talked over what exactly it is that you want to tell them? How much you tell them depends on their age, and what you tell them is up to you. I think it is something you might want to rehearse over with your therapist a couple times before they come in and prepare yourself for questions they might have. Your children watch you struggle every day, and they deserve to know why there are patches of hard times for you. I think it would be beneficial at the very least for a therapist to explain depression and ptsd, what it looks like, what they can do, and ways they can take care of themselves so it lessens the impact it has on them.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Leighlee87 my children are in their late teens and early 20s. My T and I have to some degree talked over what possible topics could be and how my traumas have affected my life. The thought behind the discussion is to help them understand and to try and prevent trans-generational trauma from occurring.

 

[Leighlee87]

Then yes, absolutely. I don't think this is something to be suffered in a vacuum and I don't think it does any good to keep your own children from the truth. That doesn't mean they have to know everything, but they deserve to understand. Trying to figure out how much to tell and what to tell is difficult. I've had "tiny" conversations with my children who are still young because they need to know that my anxiety and my depression are not their fault. One day, when they are much older, we will discuss what happened that caused me to develop PTSD. There is a way to tell it without traumatizing the person you are telling it to, and a way of making that knowledge constructive and beneficial to all present. If you are ready to share that with your kids, and you think that they are emotionally ready to hear it, then I'd say go ahead and do so.

 

[FauxLiz]

@Leighlee87 I think for me the greatest concern I have is that several aspects of my traumas (incest/molestation as a very young toddler/child, parental emotional and mental abuse including scapegoating) will impact their relationship with my family of origin going forward. The brother that traumatized me is dead as is my mother but I have 4 other siblings and my father that have under close scrutiny been they only extended family they have as my children's father is absentee seeing them less than 15 days a year and his family want nothing to do with my kids, they just can't be bothered.

My kids and I joke that my family takes the fun OUT of dysfunctional but that doesn't mean thinking something is off and knowing something is off are two different things. Beyond the family traumas I have worked hard to protect them from their father and they are blissfully unaware that he would rape me at least once a month while we were married because it was my wifely duty and they have no recollection of the holes in walls and doors or other similar things where he would either "show me" what he was going to do to me or simply lose control. The last thing I fear telling them is about being raped at gunpoint, being pulled out of a party by a concerned friend only to discover rape was on the agenda and finally being raped in my apartment in college while my sister sat in living room not paying attention to me crying for help.

I am really beginning to think that if I go forward with this there really won't be any details that would be too much for all of us.

 

[Leighlee87]

Yeah, I completely understand that. You get to decide how much to tell them and what about. That's going to take some considerable thought beforehand though. I know that when I found out some of the things that were done to my own mother as a child, I had a really hard time forgiving the family members who did it or who stood back and let it happen. And it is still a struggle at times. What made it feasible? Those family members treated me well. love me, and somehow my mother has forgiven them and chosen to have relationships with them. I do remain guarded though. Other family members eventually allowed their true colors to show, and knowing what I knew kept me from being sidelined. I wouldn't give all the details. Just give them enough to see the big picture of things and if they ask questions then you can divulge the little bit of information that they are looking for.