I am a rotten person

[mylunareclipse]

Wow I am sorry about what you have been through...
Compassion is a funny thing for us isn't it? I hear your stories and think how hard that must have been. To feel that way. Yet, at the same time when I think of myself, I immediately think nothing has happened to me, why am I this bad?
Thank you for the discussion and wishing you recovery and peace in the road ahead.

 

[Marisea]

I can't totally relate. I always think that. Sorry for others but think I'm a fake and should get it together. Unfortunately this kind of thinking just keeps producing the same bullshit. I am learning to look on my own suffering and pain with the compassion I regard others. Therapy with the right person is so helpful.

 

[Teasel]

Compassion is a funny thing for us isn't it?

Yes :D
This year at the end of my meditation I've been very gently introducing the practise of Dead Link Removed

Because I've a history of abuse and self hatred I've been doing a simplified and very short version. So as not to stir up all kinds of shit I can't handle.

Doing this brings into sharp focus the difference in feeling between sending love to yourself and to someone you actually do love. :tdown::tup:

Best to you too x

 

[mylunareclipse]

Woke up this morning feeling suicidal again. I could have slept for another few hours, but woke up in tears. What is wrong with me? I feel like a freak :( ...what that changes is the day in the calendar. It's still the same year after year

 

[anthony]

I'm going to start here.

I haven't reached a point where I don't want to help myself

Bullshit -- because you also said:

I don't think I deserve to fix my cognitive distortions.... I don't deserve anything.

Which means you've given up on yourself because you don't "want" to fix your broken thinking.

Nobody can fix you, except you. Prior responses have led you to the water, but they can't make you drink it.

What I read is a pity party. Your choice though. You can keep having a pity party and boo hoo me thinking, or you can get off your arse and start working on changing your negative issues that cause you pain and heartache.

It is a choice.

 

[mylunareclipse]

Hi Anthony,

Could you please me more gentle?

You don't know me or the state I am in.

I come here trying to feel safe. And I am not trying to have a pity party.

I am just trying to find a safe place to express how I feel.

There was a typo. I meant to write I have given up on myself.

It could be a pity party or not. But right now these are not the kind of comments I need. These are the kind of comments that bring people over the edge...

and yes it is a choice. And that's why the choice lately feels to stop fighting. As fighting is tiring. And I am tired. And I don't want to get off my seat and fight. It is pointless.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[anthony]

And I don't want to get off my seat and fight. It is pointless.

This is why gentle won't work, and is why I'm not going that route.

You have a choice right now. Live. Die. So choose. That simple.

Depression is not going to hold your hand and be gentle with you. Depression is grabbing you, dragging you down as deep as it can. Gentle helps depression drag you further. You need to start getting tough with yourself. You need a kick in the arse to get motivated. You need to take your words more seriously and start acting if you want to live.

Gentle is just stroking your depressive mood and making it worse right now.

 

[mylunareclipse]

I am not sure why I am slipping like this, but somehow I feel worse when I think that I am just a weak or broken person.

I read the motivation in your last post so thank you, but maybe tonight I just have to push through by numbing, maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks

 

[anthony]

I am not sure why I am slipping like this, but somehow I feel worse when I think that I am just a weak or broken person.

Why do you feel weak or broken?

 

[mylunareclipse]

Weak or broken to not somehow react and fix myself like I am supposed to. I cannot just get over it and move on and start just fixing things. It feels it is what I have always done; fix stuff, move on, fight. Now I just want to lay here and cry for all those times combined and not move at all.

 

[anthony]

I cannot just get over it

Well, nobody can just get over trauma. Its impossible. You can push it down and try and put a lid on it, sure. But it will come back and bite you on the arse.

So not getting over trauma is not weakness or broken.

How do you expect to just get over it? What are you to get over exactly?