Relationship Girlfriend needs space

[Deleted member 42534]

Dear all,

My girlfriend has said she needs space. We have been together for about 7 months, and she said that I remind her of her abusive ex. I have never been abusive in any way towards her. Her ex practically kept her hostage in the house and beat her almost everyday and she has nightmares and flashbacks. Her ex was her first ever relationship, and i am her second, so this transference is pretty much to be expected I guess?

Its been about a month since I have seen her. I am not sure what to do. She is so distant and cold and I am not sure if she is hinting she wants a break up but does not want to tell me. For those who have PTSD from domestic violence, what advice can you give me? Right now I am really hurt and lost...

 

[EveHarrington]

Is your girlfriend in therapy right now?

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 42534]

Her abusive relationship ended over 2 years ago, she was abused from age 17-20. She had therapy aged 21. She is now 23, she said she might go back to therapy but wanted some time to "figure things out herself". Recently she has had a lot of family problems in regards to her parents as well as work problems added on top and think its just got too much...

 

[Ivi]

I understand your confusion and hurt. Obviously this is her first relationship away from her ex. This is likely to bring up a lot of memories for her and also it means adjusting to a 'normal' and 'safe' relationship which can be difficult. As Eve said, therapy could be a huge help.

 

[GwenDR]

I am not a domestic abuse survivor, but my suggestions is to listen to her. Without judgement, ask her if there's anything you are doing that is stirring up memories that you can avoid. Find out what she needs you to do while she needs space, and if there's anything you can do to help. Respect her wishes, even if it means not seeing her for an extended period of time. Be as supportive as you can of her healing process.

And you don't necessarily have to do anything harmful or abusive for it to trigger an unpleasant memory. So it doesn't mean you're doing anything bad.

 

[EveHarrington]

Transference is a royal biiitch to deal with. (A total understatement if ever there was one.) I've taken out more than a few relationships due to transference issues. I really don't know how most therapists try and work through transference issues. One therapist I had was total crap at it. Really, the way I was able to stop the transference was by working on the root issue and resolving my feelings with the person in the original relationship. Because really, my feelings had nothing to do with the second relationship and to tackle things from that angle would have been futile. I guess this is my long winded way of saying that I think it would be best for her to deal with the original trauma as a way of fixing transference.

 

[Deleted member 42534]

Seems like this issue is not going to be resolved any time soon! Transference definitely needs professional help, but I am not sure she will go for it. Her defence mechanism is repression of memories, so since I remind her of her ex, she will repress me out of her mind.

I am going to back off, wait for her to contact me, the more I try to contact her the more she will probably withdraw. I do not have high hopes.

 

[Deleted member 42534]

This PTSD stuff is too much...

I don't know what to believe anymore, all the hot, cold behaviour, it mimics cheaters... you know how cheaters go distant, i don't even know if its because of PTSD or is she cheating or both?!

 

[Ivi]

This is the problem with PTSD at its core its symptoms mimic a lot of things and that includes cheating. I would give it time, take some time for yourself at this moment as well because this is a stressful thing for you to deal with too. Try not to spend your time jumping to conclusions too fast.

 

[anthony]

I doubt you remind her of her abuser if you're nothing alike. She is using that as an excuse to justify her actions to herself. Unfortunately, that is very much PTSD when uncontrolled. Symptoms are erratic. Hot and cold, like a switch. It takes years of hard self work to get that under control. I think you likely got it right by stepping away... and honestly, even if she did contact you, are you prepared to continue this hot cold relationship until she has worked enough to stop it?

 

[EveHarrington]

The hot/cold stuff is likely to continue, even if she is in treatment, at least for awhile anyway. It's a hard thing to get a handle on.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

After a while of dating someone, when life and my issues hit the relationship, I bolted. I would say anything to him to get me out of there ASAP. I told non-abusive guys that, basically, they were scum of the earth, though they weren't, to help get me out as fast as possible. Sadly, they were left in the dust, forever.

With the help of my therapist, I took myself out of the dating world because I would either bolt or seek out very harmful and unhealthy sexual harm. None of it was healthy.

That said, PTSD is a push/pull for a while, even if treated. In my case, "a while" is now over 8 yrs. If I was dating, it wouldn't be near as bad today but still there. The push/pull and isolation (AKA: shut outs) will be something that you will need to accept if in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer. Doable though as many do here in the supporter areas.

The most important thing to do is set good boundries and stick to them! Boundries are super important in any relationship but I think even more important in a PTSD relationship. It helps to keep you safe while giving the PTSDer a guide. I bounce around on boundries to help steer me and they teach me as well.

Also, you may remind her of her abuser without looking like them or being abusive yourself. My step dad wore Brute colone and anytime I even slightly smell it on someone, boom, a flashback and reminder of one of my abusers just like that. They don't always have to be an abuser to remind me of my abusers. That is just one of a many examples. You could be saying something like her abuser did or saying a phrase he did, doing something he did, or really, a million other things that her abuser did. Which isn't your fault at all. That's not what I am saying. She may not have the tools to deal with that reminder and may be isolating to stop the reminder. So, though she could be lying to get out of the relationship or isolate faster but she may not be lying either.

That said, these are things that need to be worked out together. Like, I would ask the person to choose another colone. But she just may not have the right tools to deal, thus isolating and the only words she has right now, as to why she is isolating, is that you remind her of her abuser. She might know why but only that you do.

Does any of that make sense?