Relationship Husband of wife that has c-ptsd from severe childhood trauma, looking for support

[Geo]

Hello all, been a little over a month since I last posted or replied with anything, I have days where I feel so drained mentally and get very stressed on my situation with my wife and also making sure the kids are safe, the town we live in doesn't have really any support for husbands who have wives that suffer from cptsd from severe childhood trauma, so help for me is pretty much non existent, our daughter is special needs too, our son is delayed a bit as Well, with all my reading I am still doing, everything is making big time sense to me with my wife and how she acts day to day, her traits she has that she actually showed me from her therapy, she has really bad attention seeking traits and becomes ocd with tracking down all these men, I now know with my reading now and my understanding that I believe myself and the kids are actually a trigger for her too among other things day to day stress, but I know that partially the more attention and live I give our kids the more she throws herself into full on triggers and messages all these men, she is addicted to relationships, and needs the constant attention, from all these bad guys, who she sexually shows herself too plus after the deed is done or trigger from childhood, she pretty much remains friends with these men, she jumps between lots the association of liking her father that molested her for years and hating him but most of time thinks about him lots, so I never even mention his name as that is also a trigger for her too, I know that how promiscuous she really is now and how often she really lies, doesn't like to be confronted on her lyes and even when she is goes back to her normal learned survival traits from her childhood, almost like she begins to think I don't know what is going on even though I do, she has to find another therapist again as the one she had got transferred to another place long ways away, she had been going slowly but had stopped going back in end of March and stopped in April too from being triggered by her father's birthday is what she said, but I know since beginning of April she has been in pretty much a full blown trigger mode from childhood since as the amount of single men she is contacting is prob between the 20 to 30 mark roughly that I know for sure, also what she did in childhood to gain the attention from being adbandened but also the sexual abuse from her age of roughly 4 or so and up to age 10, min of 6 years of sexual abuse from her father, she escapes to fantasy lots too, in how much she uses her phone to disassociate, the only physical help I have for me now is my dad and her mom to explain to them what she has and what she does as she is very secretive with her mom too from childhood, always has lied and her mom never knew what actually happened till now, after all these years, I was the one that explained it to her

 

[Geo]

I have also noticed that in last month since my wife being on these anti depressants she associates with the kids a little more but only marginally at best, not a huge difference, I find that this is something that she has had for a long time, but got so so good at repressing her emotions from her childhood that the life she showed towards me and everyone else wasn't actually reality, is now what I know and realize, it was a big time manipulation to all and what was really going on has been going on for pretty much our whole 12 year relationship, from what she has openly omitted over Facebook about chatting to men over internet in chat rooms and lying about her age when she was about 12 years of age after her mom and dad divorced and he left, that is what she did, ended up contacting one man over chat inviting him over to her house at 13 when her mom was working and the man managed to rape her then left, which was after all what her dad did for few years to her, from what I have been reading oviously is stuck in trauma most of time even though she likes to try hard at showing herself in a certain light, I now know how much truly goes on behind her image she shows to everyone, certain days even with cleaning she will pick a day and clean but for a few days if she is in trauma or a disassociate mood cleaning won t happen at all so I pick up the slack lots even after working I will come home and play with kids and clean as much as I can anyways, but some days I will feel pretty overwhelmed so I am glad that places like this exist for me, so thank you all and to the survivors I am glad your getting help over this, as I have also healed from things happen to me from my own childhood too, which is prob one of reasons I am so empathetic for, but I also worry and have come to realization on just how serious this is, my wife who has this also had a step mom from when her dad left and got into another relationship, her step mom prob had this as well for life but never got help or dealt through it, got diagnosed with bipolar disorder but so much of what she did is the exact same as my wife has done and is doing, she went years and years fought with it and eventually took her life, which is also fears I have with my wife if she doesn't go to therapy enough or just possably stops going all together,

 

[ladee]

Sad to read things have not improved with her. But am seriously proud of you for educating yourself as to what is going on... Wonder if there are any mens groups online?? Might be something you can check into.... and sorry to hear that there is no available support for you...
But hope you come here and share when you can or when you need to... congratulations on researching and finding things that help you to understand... take care of yourself....

 

[Geo]

Sad to read things have not improved with her. But am seriously proud of you for educating yourself as t...

Thank you, I am honestly trying so hard to help my wife regardless of what she is doing but I do understand that no matter how much I love and show that to her in understanding and to just lend an ear to chat with she doesn't open up with me at all, doesn't emotionally connect with me, but one question I do have for you or for others that are survivors of bad childhood abuse, with c-ptsd, my wife had told her therapist that I am her main source of safety and has told me too that I am safe for her but at same time makes me feel like she can't trust me enough to really talk about most things, she will pretty much just go to the wrong people men to chat which only serves as her issues not to help them, I kinda don't understand how I can be safety but with being safe for her she can't tell me things or omit what she does, stays very promiscuous and lies on just about everything, changes slightly on each person she deals with and projects herself to get that attention,

 

[ladee]

Possibly it could be that she knows you love her, tho she feels she may not deserve it... and you try to meet her issues without judgement.... no excuse for her to take advantage of you tho... and while it commendable to listen when she does share.... hope you are also reading about co dependency and ways you may be enabling her.... you are not doing to cause harm, you feel it is helping her... but for us to be enabled sometimes means that people will put up with whatever is dished out and not hold us accountable.... very important to us to be held accountable....

And that is also ways of you taking care of yourself.... wishing you well on this journey of discovery.... If nothing else you are going to know more about CPTSD than you ever wanted to know !

Take care of yourself...

 

[Supervixn]

Reading your posts, you sound like an incredibly patient, caring and loving man. I have to give you a lot of credit. But I do worry about your side and your kids' side of things...

I think a more assertive approach with her as to how you feel and in setting some boundaries as to how shes treating you would help things on your end. C-PTSD or not, she's behaving *incredibly* selfishly. I too have C-PTSD with similar background, but dont assume someone with C- PTSD would be somehow helpless in mistreating others this way because of trauma. Everyone is different, but the difference here is in her level of selfishness and complete disregard for your relationship, your family and your feelings.

Regardless of the past, she is an adult. She has children. She has a husband. She has got to show some respect for that, I dont think its too much to ask, especially with the love and patience you've shown. She needs to get professional help. You can't fix this with love and patience. You can only aid her healing process with those qualities, but without consequences I dont see much hope in her changing.

We all have sad stories. We all have had difficulties in life. Coming from a similar background as your wife, I'm only giving you a perspective that is a little more balanced (in yours and your kids' favor). Shes not the only important one with needs here- - dont fool yourself. That's unfair to you and your children. Her pain doesnt mean more than yours or your childrens. I think an adjustment in personal accountability and some firm boundary setting would help in changing this situation. You just have to find the right help and be willing to give tough love. You have to be willing to change yourself too. What you allow is what will continue. Always remember that.

Best wishes for you all. Im rooting for health and happiness for your family! Keep us updated!

 

[Gamera3000]

You may not be the person your wife needs for talking to about her trauma. I don't talk to my husband much about mine. He's a wonderful man, who is MY "safe person". But I would never think that he would understand or be able to help me with that stuff. It would just hurt him to hear it. I have a good therapist now and I tell her.

Something that really helped me over the years was to stop associating with people who had anything to do with my past traumas who DID NOT HELP. I do still have an aunt who I talk to, and my sister and her family. My sister causes me a lot of stress, but she has never abused me or helped anyone else hurt me. I view it kind of like people who are alkies or drug addicts who have to stop being around their old environment to stay sober. To stay positive, I have to be around normal people and live a normal life.

And you might want to look into physical security measures for you and your family. These online and in-person relationships that your wife may be having are dangerous. Not just for her, but for you and your kids as well. Each time she interacts with someone she runs the risk of getting a real bad apple. You should make sure your home is secure and you can physically defend yourself and your family. I have tried to tell my sister this and she acts like I'm crazy. My former best friend used to have these disposable relationships. I can't tell you how many times she AND I were in physical danger because some nut wouldn't go away.

 

[Geo]

hi all its been a bit now since I have posted here and I truly appoligize for this, stuff at home has gotten even worse since last time, she has now slept with 5 or 6 men physically plus is engaging in un protected sexual acts I have found a couple of hidden pregnancy tests and also found some info of men she is chatting with and seeing they have 5 assault charges plus credit card fraud, she has basically what I presume and from all my reading up of complex ptsd she is in full flash back mode and full amygadalla high jacking and is latterly gone back to complete past association of bad and risky behavior!!! she also invited I found out that she had a couple men come over to our place while I was working nights, I have spent a lot of time and have had a huge amount of empathetic love and respect for her such self destructive past of all that happened to her but it is just getting beyond bad and just so unsafe for our kids that need love and safety too she is also very very emotionally disconnected from life has been on anti depressants now for couple months and regardless is still very very depressed and so so self destructive to herself and with doing this is destructive to our kids health and needs and is traumatizing them with what she is engaging in, she has come home with bruises on her body so I belive she is getting herself not just re traumatization like she has done over phone but is now re victimizing herself too which isn't good, I have spent lots of time trying my hardest to get her help which she did start for couple months but stopped and hasn't even made any means of going back and I also found some messages she sent to her two step brother who also got abused by her father sent them sexual videos and pictures of each other plus told them both she wanted to have sex with them as well, plus told them both that she tries to get help but basically omitted to them that she enjoys to "fool" people protending she is doing much better in life even though she is doing so much bad!!! pretty sad to read and find the laws in Canada are different than the laws in states in regards to caring for children, I am in contact now with a legal aid as I cant finantially afford a big time lauwer right now so I am trying to come to know my rights as a father to be able to legally take my kids away from such self destructive behaivior and such deadly disregard to the safety of not just herself but also for our children so so sad if their is anyone in here that might be able to send some info to me that might know parent rights to take kids from danger and the law I could really use the help and advice please, I know in my heart that I have honestly helped as much as possible and have supplied her as much love and real respect and loads of empathy too in understanding trauma of such complexities as I have also come from and healed from my own trauma from childhood too and now that I am a father I love my kids with all my heart and just cant downplay what she is doing anymore and the fact of how emotionally disconnected she has been with our kids as they are probably triggering her and making thigs worse!! I know all her personality traits from her trauma, she is very very addicted to attension, addicted to relationships, becomes compulsive and ocd of trying to get that attension from many many men, never associates with any women at all just men, neglects herself, addicted to going to unsupportive people and also self engaging in risky behavior, is a compulsive liar and enjoys to manipulate as many men to get that attension plus what she presieves as love, hyper sexual plus hyper arousal traits is very addicted to causing herself pain,

You may not be the person your wife needs for talking to about her trauma. I don't talk to my husban...

 

[Geo]

thanks again to all for this group and forum greatly appreaciated and I greatly respect everyones journey of self help over severe childhood trauma and traumatic experiences best regards geo

 

[Geo]

hi all back on today and I am hoping to hear back from my reply yesterday hopfully over next few days, I am now on different path now in regards to this situation and choose to give tough love and change myself and my kids situation now,

sad thing is she seems like she just doesn't care about much in life now even bill payments and making any real bonafied commitment to change and to keep seeking help she stopped back in mid march with her therapist and hasn't made any means to go back or even to want it as that is one thing

I found message to her step brothers is she was telling them on all that she has done and is still doing in means of dangerious self destructive behavior and also telling them that she chooses to do all this and doesn't care about bill payments or keeping jobs and doesn't care about basically life in general besides to do bad things but when she chats with other people like her own mom or others that are close with her she splits herself and acts like she isn't doing any of this and comes off in a totally different matter different attitude with different people, even over facebook and social media accounts she plays being a normal woman that isn't trauma from life but has hidden accounts for different bad interactions and doing bad things,

she enjoys to manipulate people is one thing she told her two step brothers before sexually acting out with them, as they both have trauma too from her father molesting them and her step sister for 10 plus years too, its a situation now that is just to depressing and too manipulitve and dangerious for myself and kids to be in anymore so I am trying really hard to find out my rights as a loving and very empathetic father to keep these kids safe and to take them away from her, I don't need them getting trauma anymore than they have already, she has always been very emotionally disconnected from the kids lots never has token them to any mom groups or good start programs and if she has done it always has been with me if I been available but if I have been busy with work to support the family she doesn't do any of this on her own back in jan of this year she never even took daughter to school either I would wake up and feed both kids and read them books and feed them breakfast plus clothe them and take her to school since then before going to work myself with out her being really present much at all, their is very very brief moments where she associates with kids but its so brief that I know they aren't getting much benifiet at all emotionally or to give them development to grow and be nourished like they should be son much makes sense now with everything I have now read and found info on with severe childhood trauma and abandement that she has,

she gets triggered very easly and I know the kids trigger her too she doesn't omit it but I know they do, and I know that the more of attension I give kids which I need to do also triggers her too from my stand point so makes her seek out more men too but like all you say still doesn't give her right to do what she is doing kids and I have emotions and feelings too and she doesn't see them as how she chats with certain bad men and how she comes across doesn't seem to have any empathy at all or respect for others with what she has done and doing

I hope to hear back from you all with these last 3 posts yesterday and today best regards and respect for all on their self healing journeys

 

[Geo]

Reading your posts, you sound like an incredibly patient, caring and loving man. I have to give you a lot of credit....

I am currently planning to up and leave with the kids and have already spoken with a legal aid legally I can pack up kids and leave which is what I am doing but I know that potentially she is goona cause a bad scene and this will end up going to court for battle of kids I have loads of proof of what she does and also from her disconnection of kids and never taking them to any moms groups or schools I have done all that, I have a feeling it is goona get nasty as she has a very very nasty side too and lately seems no matter what I do or how calm I am she is just getting so so nasty with me and rude very bad attitude on life and just doesn't seem to care about much these days, she splits herself too and talks differently with certain people and lies about life with her mom and says she is all good and everything is fine but what she is actually engaging in is very self destructive behavior and also risky behavior too, I was hoping to hear back from someone on this forum from my last posts but havnt yet, I am hoping this finds you and also finds others too I am needing others perspective too and to reply back to my other postings

 

[Gamera3000]

Sorry I haven't been noticing your posts. I did a major overhaul on my bathroom and then had a surprise visitor and haven't been online.

Now keep in mind that I am a survivor of a 9-year sexually abusive relationship with my oldest brother when we were both adults, in addition to being raped by that brother's twin as a adult. My mother (briefly their stepmother) was inappropriate at times with all of us, and there is some history of various abuse in our dad's family and everyone's mother's families. I'm just saying this so you know that I understand what your wife is going through. And I feel tremendously bad for her, some stranger I read about on the Internet. Not that that means much, but I get it. It's awful and I feel bad.

Okay so, you need to record your wife and this deal with the stepbrothers, and this thing with the dad if you can. I'm a parent myself, so as two parents, I'm sure you and I can agree that there's a point where your adult feelings don't matter and neither do those of your wife. You have to protect your kids. If I were in your position, I would get proof of what your wife is doing and take that to court. She can't be around your kids until she gets her sh*t together.

Now, you're going to have to be prepared for the possibility that she will never come out of this. She may get worse, she may die, and you will have to watch it. These are hard words, I know, but it's not something you can help. She could have been diagnosed with terminal cancer instead. She could have been hit by a bus. Sometimes the person you love doesn't make and you do. That's a big part of why a lot of us are here. Letting her go doesn't take away your love for her, or the fact that what happened to her, and IS happening to her, is not fair. But when your kids are at risk, you have to sacrifice this person, who may be gone anyway, to save your kids.

I was watching that show Live PD last night. It was a rerun from over the weekend. There was this young guy who left a party with his toddler. The police didn't know he had a toddler in the car and wanted him to pull over, both because of his speed and to ask him questions about the party. The guy didn't stop. He got up to 99 mph, flipped the car live on this show, then squirmed out of it, holding this tiny little girl, tossing her around, and trying to run off like a crazy person. The cop ran up to him and tried to get the little girl away, shouting at him, "That's your BABY! That's your BABY!"

Man that really got to me. I mean, that's how we all feel, right? That's your baby, or babies, and if they're in danger you stop everything you're doing to keep them safe. You don't keep acting foolish, either literally or figuratively tossing the kid around like a ragdoll, because of your feelings. Do you see what I'm saying? Gather your evidence and get sole custody of your kids. Cut your wife loose. She will sink or swim on her own. I did it on my own and I am fine now. I HAD to do it on my own. She probably does too. But stop thinking about her wellbeing. Be tactical, take her down, and protect your kids so THEY are not on this forum in a few years sorting themselves out.

And you will be okay too. Stay strong, remember you're a good person. Connect with your own family, your church, your friends, some kind of network of normal people to keep you centered during all this.