My sister is mistreating her kids

[Gamera3000]

I'm not saying "abusing" because I don't think she's doing anything where I can officially step in.

My sister and her (common law) husband recently broke up. Both her and her husband text and call me periodically and tell me all their business. My sister has been yelling at the kids (10 and 8) until they cry and they haven't been wanting to go back home with her. She's been hitting herself in front of the 10 year old. My sister has an older girl who left home to live with her dad because she said my sister and the younger kids' dad kept yelling at her and making it a toxic living environment. My brother in law told me, unsolicited, and more than once, that he loves my sister more than their kids. I had to very clearly tell my brother in law that if they "needed a break" my husband and I would take those kids for however long was needed.

We're in a different state. They're going to fly the 10 year old out for the Summer and keep their younger kid, who is 8. I didn't tell him this, but we are prepared to take custody of both kids if it is ever necessary. The older girl has driven out here a couple of times to "visit" me- I think looking for help each time. It disturbed me because I live very far away. I feel like those kids have no one to help them there.

This conversation with my brother in law happened yesterday, and I have felt physically ill ever since. At this point, I'm frankly just pretending to be friends with my sister and her husband for the sake of the kids. I would not ordinarily allow people like them to be in my life, regardless of the family relationship. That's why I don't talk to our other family. It feels gross to me to talk to people acting like that. But it feels worse to imagine cutting off the kids-leaving them with no one to go to.

Does anyone have any wisdom or advice?

 

[Friday]

Does anyone have any wisdom or advice?

No wisdom or advice, just solidarity. I did that for my niece and nephew many times over the years. Until it did become a kinship care situation.

I take that back... It makes life infinitely easier to have them sign a consent for medical care (which ends up functioning as temporary guardianship papers in the event of emergency or longer stay). Doesn't have to be any kind of lawyering. Just a simple note reading

"Jane Smith & John Smith, my sister and brother-in-law, have my permission to seek all medical care & make decisions in my absence regarding my son/daughter Johnnie/Janey Doe, as they are to be living with their auntie & uncle over the summer. Signed & dated." Bonus points for birthdays (of both parents and children), address, & phone number (both theirs and yours).

If you already have a family doc or GP? They also usually have a consent to care form you can pick up & have your sister fill out (my suggestion is in addition to the note, which -should it come to that- is also usually sufficient to register for school in the fall, as well as several other things. If handwritten, no photocopies of ID or anything are usually needed, but if typed or a fill in the blank form from the doctors office, ID photocopies are usually required. Ditto, just bringing them for a meet & greet appointment with your family doc smooths the path later on if there's any acute medical care needed / establishes your right to seek assistance & make decisions before actually needing to seek assistance & make decisions.

None of this is actually needed, but a handwritten note from their parents demonstrating their intent & wishes that you are caring for their child? Is like a golden ticket. Medical care, camps, daycare, & school registration all flow really easily from 1 paragraph... But it in no way "risks" their legal rights over their own children (like signing temporary guardianship or kinship care papers does), as they can rescind or revoke your right to seek care & make decisions at any time.

 

[Gamera3000]

Wow, thank you Friday. I will definitely get one of those forms from my son's pediatrician. I didn't think about what would happen if I had to take my niece to the doctor while she was here. An emergency wouldn't be the time to wait on a form from another state.

 

[The Albatross]

Personally, having had the experience of having my brother leave for a summer through the worst of the violence and other than occasional weekends with an out of town great aunt I had to stay... if you have the ability to invite both kids, do so.

 

[Nessa7]

Why are they only sending one of the children? In my family, this was often used as an isolating tactic, so that's something that sets off my warning bells. I would be concerned that the younger child may be experiencing something that the older one hasn't, especially since she has another home to stay at.

My aunts often used the excuse of planning some kind of special trip or experience that it would be unfair for only one kid to get to go on.

 

[Gamera3000]

if you have the ability to invite both kids, do so.

Why are they only sending one of the children?

Yeah I know what you guys are saying. We did invite both of the children. We actually invited all three, including the one that is about to turn 18. The younger ones are 10 and 8. I am getting different responses about the younger child, that they can't afford to fly him, that he's too young for a long visit away, that the 10 year old needs time away from him...

I even told each child directly, in a card to each of them, that we wanted all of them to visit and we would work something out and make sure they had a good Summer.

I also just heard that the almost 18 year old refused to go to her graduation ceremony. I am wondering if it's because she didn't want her sets of parents there. I don't blame her.

My sister just told me that she is involved in some kind of sex "hobby" club, that does not sound normal to me. She's talking about it like it's knitting or Pokemon or something. I don't know how to talk to her about it or if I should try to talk to the kids. I asked her if she was being safe and she said they trade around the men's drivers licenses. I think the men are going to her house when the kids aren't there. I don't know what to do.

 

[Nessa7]

Are her and her husband 100% done? Even as I ask this, I'm thinking of how bad the repercussions could be for her. Personally, I think that kids are more observant than their parents often expect them to be, but even if they don't find out that seems like a terrible idea while in the midst of a break-up.

 

[Gamera3000]

The dad is definitely not done. He was sending me long, long, ridiculous texts about how much he loves my sister. How sorrowful he is. Trying to call me to whine on the phone. Sending me pictures of his new tattoos, which I didn't think was appropriate. I stopped answering him entirely and he sends me a "don't shut me out" text. Again, a weird thing to say. He was ignoring anything I tried to ask about the kids. I asked my sister to do something about him and she said she couldn't that he was doing that to all her friends too. I am NOT friends with my brother in law. I see him once every few years and maybe talk to him via text once a year.

My sister is banging several different dudes- I believe who she meets on the Internet. She told me yesterday that she told her favorite that she "loved him" and she had to break things off because of that. She says he has a sick wife who he's been married to for 20 years and they have a kid with some kind of illness or developmental problem so he "can't" leave. I had a moment of conflict where I didn't know if I should tell her what she didn't want to hear or not. But I told her that if he would treat his wife that way he wouldn't treat her any better. Then I spent some time telling her how much it helped ME to spend a couple years celibate, not drinking, and staying completely alone. Not online. Not out with friends. And that it has been a relief now to be a stay at home mom and housewife, to let go of that stuff and just get older.

Silence. Then she goes back to talking about her stuff. I assume what I said was so nonsensical to her that it didn't even process. Meanwhile neither of them will make any concrete plans about the 10 year old visiting.

 

[Justmehere]

Maybe you go and visit them and fly back with the kids? Not because they need it but I might motivate them to get it done. I know this is a super long shot, and I don't know if it would help or be doable. But maybe you could stay in a hotel for a night and just offer to go out for dinner to a park, whatever...and maybe being there for a day would help you get a better sense of things? There's clearly a lot of chaos....

 

[Gamera3000]

Maybe you go and visit them and fly back with the kids?

Oh I definitely would do that if it was just me, but my own little boy is three, and I don't think I could either take him or leave him home for something like that. If he were a little older I would. I used to fly out there and visit for a few days here and there and I really think that helped all of us.

 

[Gamera3000]

Update:

After about a million picture, video, and regular texts from me in daily to every few day intervals, with rare responses from my sister, she finally gave me a tentative date of the first week of August for my 11 year old niece visiting. Progress! I'm starting to set up a guest room for her!

I have a plan to send some pre-paid postage postcards in kid themes to my 8 year old nephew and to get into the routine of sending both of them notes and getting them to write back. Maybe we can get him going with a long distance game or running joke or something like that.

The oldest girl is about to turn 18 and is now settled into her own duplex. I've been trying to send her little gifts like a "How to Fix Your Car For Dummies" and a little day planner and that kind of thing. I'm not sure her parents are taking the time to tell her things like that. She's one of those kids that seems to have it together so a person might assume she knows things that a young person probably wouldn't know yet.

So I'm refreshed. Back in the game.

 

[Nessa7]

That's wonderful! Hopefully, having one visit might make it easier to get your sister to agree to more in the future. I also think it's great that you're sending that sort of things to the oldest girl. I think anyone that is living alone for the first time could use that sort of things.