How do you work on (non-sexual) intimacy issues?

[barefoot]

I struggle with intimacy. Being close with other people in terms of...having a deep connection with someone, allowing myself to be truly seen and known, sharing how I really feel, expressing my needs, allowing myself to be vulnerable with someone so that our relationship can get to a deeper, more meaningful kind of level... That sort of stuff.

My partner and I have been together for 18 years and we have a good, strong relationship and enjoy being together and love each other very much. And I have some good friends - though even my "closest" friends tend to hover at a fairly surface-level connection. So, it's not that I can't "do" relationships at all. And I can "fake it to make it" socially in terms of connecting with people but in reality I am rarely really feeling it and I like to have a certain distance.

In my least therapy session, my T and I talked a bit about how the intimacy in our therapeutic relationship was difficult and anxiety-making for me. I think I find it difficult to find a balance between my therapist feeling close enough - so that I feel comfortable with her and so that I trust her and so I feel willing and able to get into (and stay in) relationship with her so that we can do the work - and her feeling too close. When she feels too close I tend to get defensive or shutdown or dissociate or get quite feisty with her in order to create some distance and keep her "over there."

She said that we would manage that together and I am wondering whether anyone here has successfully worked on intimacy in therapy and, if so, what sort of thing did that entail? Or was it not really explicitly "working on intimacy" - perhaps through the therapeutic process/relationship, you ended up making progress with intimacy as, by its nature, trauma work requires some intimacy in order to do the work?!

Would appreciate anyone sharing their experiences with this.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I guess with your therapist, remember that they are a professional and required not to break trust my law. If they do, you could prosecute. Not that that really helps how you will feel if they do break that trust.

I don't know what to say really. So much risk in trusting people. Why do you trust your partner of 18 years? What makes that work for you? Can you apply that approach to others?

 

[barefoot]

Thanks for the reply @TexCat

I'm not at all worried about my therapist breaking confidentiality. I trust that she will always keep things confidential. And I trust that she will give a compassionate response to anything I share because that's what she has always done.

It's more that when we feel we are in a closer connection...say, when I am sharing how I feel or when I am expressing a need (or even thinking about what I need even if I can't actually say it)...so it feels vulnerable and she is being caring and supportive....it can just feel so....unbearable. So then I find myself creating distance because it all feels too close.

And actually, that happens with my partner too. Though probably not to the same intensity as I don't talk to my partner about difficult feelings and very sensitive things that come up in therapy but not at home.

I don't often feel a genuine, deep connection with people. So, when I do, it feels important and it feels like I want it. But then....yeah...it starts to feel unbearable and I can't tolerate it.

It feels like the therapeutic relationship is so important for doing trauma work. But, when I'm actually there in the room with her, it can feel like the intimacy of the relationship really spooks me. It feels like a bit of a catch 22...I need the relationship to do the work...but that same relationship is also freaking me out and is therefore potentially getting in the way of doing the work?

So, maybe that whole internal conflict is part of the work? But what could that work look like/involve? I realise there's probably no one, right answer to that!

 

[UnicornSightings]

I relate. I can't offer any advice but I definitely relate. I'm close "enough" to my therapist but it doesn't feel super close. I'm good with that but it also makes me sad. I sometimes lash out on her the week after being really vulnerable. I don't intend to but it seems to happen. I'm not close to anyone. Even my pets I feel like there's some distance lol!!!

So I can't help but you're not at all alone.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I am actually pretty upset lately because I desire this closeness with my husband. I tried having conversation and snuggling with him last night, and it took all of my effort just to remind myself who he was due to the touch part. (It seems the only time we have a close conversation is if we are smoking pot together). Three times in our marriage did I experience true intimacy with him: the birth of our first child, the death of his father and when I was in my major stressor work crisis last fall. Other than that, not sure. My best friend that has helped me through my ptsd, we are extemely open and close. I consider her family.

I don't shy away from the closeness though. My problem is that after it happens, I don't trust it. I will start to think it isn't real and that it is one sided and the other person may not really like me or feel the same.

 

[Keen]

I struggle with intimacy. Being close with other people in terms of...having a deep connection with so...

Trust is very hard after trauma, so know you're not alone in struggling with that. And (this is my perspective), I don't think we can become completely intimate with our therapists because we know that truly in the end it is just their job, even when they truly care about us as a person, and they cannot completely be there for us like a spouse or friend may be able to be. However, I think we can still work on resolving our trauma without super deep intimacy with our therapists because we still can have a really good "good enough" trusting relationship with them to do the work needed.

 

[NightSky]

Wow @TexCat can I relate to what you wrote. Maybe I should try pot with my husband. Hmmm. It's so hard to have this difficulty with intimacy.
@barefoot my T and I have been working on this. I have a tremendously hard time with this as well. I trust her. But feeling exposed is so terrifying for me, that's the crux of our work right now. It's really just us talking about what that fear feels like, where it comes from, why it is hindering me, and exposing the lies that keep me from experiencing true intimacy in most, if not all, of my relationships. Along the way it has been her reassurance that has helped me continue to allow myself to get closer to her. I have a history of hiding any parts of myself except for the "successful," or "acceptable" parts. From everyone. She has reassured me that although I don't show them, she knows all of those parts and cares about them, and that my hiding doesn't fool her. I keep the wall up because I don't know how to lower it but she refers to the wall often and points out ways I'm chipping away at it- eye contact with her, letting small bits of emotions show, staying present, emailing things I know I wont say out loud, etc. in that way, I feel like she's teaching me how intimacy works and showing me that it can be safe. We have been together for about two years and I still have never felt entirely present or become emotional with her. A lot of the work has been cognitive- really learning to understand this difficulty. But in that, I feel closer to her as time passes.

 

[Suzetig]

The only thing that's worked for me is actually sitting in that uncomfortable place where I feel vulnerable and exposed and connected to her in that place. It's gone from being excruciating to awful to tolerable to bearable very slowly and we've talked about it a lot. How I struggled with being close to her, how awkward I felt, things I would do to test the relationship or to create distance in the relationship etc etc. We've sat in every combination of seats in her room and now I truly value how intimate our relationship is. Looking back I can see that every seasion, little by little the relationship has shifted but at the time it felt like I wasn't really working on "intimacy" as such, it was more a by-product of the work generally.

 

[barefoot]

Thanks @NightSky - everything you've written resonates very much with me. Feeling exposed is a major challenge for me too and I guess that is very tied up with the intimacy issues I've mentioned here...feeling exposed, intimacy, vulnerability...

I feel like she's teaching me how intimacy works and showing me that it can be safe.

Yes, I get that and think that's what mine is doing too.

 

[barefoot]

The only thing that's worked for me is actually sitting in that uncomfortable place where I feel vulnerable and exposed and connected to her in that place.

Yes...I am thinking that I need to try to bear the unbearability...

at the time it felt like I wasn't really working on "intimacy" as such, it was more a by-product of the work generally.

I was wondering whether this was likely the case, that it's a by-product of the work.

I think maybe I am doing my usual: being impatient and wanting to know exactly how we do X! Doesn't really work that way...!

 

[Suzetig]

I used to be like that too - wanting to know what the work is and how we do it and how it works. I think that's really normal. I look back now and see where intimacy has been built but at the time I didn't see things changing.

 

[barefoot]

@Suzetig Yes, I suppose when I think about it, we are having conversations now that I wouldn't have had even just a few months ago. And when I look back to when we first started working together...well, I think I literally held a glass of water in front of my face for the whole session for about a year! So, I suppose there has been progress.

I think current anxiety is maybe related to the fact that "the deeper work" is getting closer on the horizon and looming large as we've agreed to put our focus there. But I think I have a lot of fear around doing that, so I think I am on the one hand wanting to do it and feeling impatient for it while on the other hand I think there is a desire to somehow hold it off and keep it at bay. Doing the deeper work means opening up, being more honest about how I feel, sitting with and sharing more feelings, feeling vulnerable, feeling exposed... So, it feels like working on trauma requires more intimacy?
Ugh! It feels frightening. But also feels like the right next step for me now.