whiteraven
Diamond Member
So...I really hate my life right now. I'm miserable in my job, I'm depressed all the time, I'm basically surviving until I die. I have a mom that cares about me - she's 82 - and 2 beautiful cats who are my life. I'm struggling with intense distrust for almost everybody, and I don't feel much/any hope for the future.
I finally made an appointment to see my therapist again, after a two-month break. That's tomorrow.
I've placed as a primary goal a change in jobs. No, not just a change in jobs, but a switch in careers. Not that what I have now is actually a career. But...I am 56 years old. And that, to me, feels ancient. Now mind you, I don't feel ancient. Not by any means. But when I think about how old I really am, and about how many years I've wasted, I feel old as the hills. All that wasted time was mostly because of my mental health issues, in a round about way, anyhow.
Oh, I have 3 degrees. But they are not in what I actually wanted to do. My Master's degree is in Creative Writing, which I love, and which I use - the writing, not the degree. But what I've always - since I was like 8 - wanted to do was work with animals. And so I found a program that will allow me to do that, after a small bit of study, in probably an independent way (which is really how I want to work). It might take me a year to complete (I would have to spread it out because I have NO money and it requires some travel), and there is no guarantee I could even complete it, but each unit on its own provides a wealth of information about interaction and care of animals.
So, why am I hesitating? Well, I will probably have to stay in my current job while I study for this one. I will need the vacation time I have accumulated to take off the 4 weekends required for the studies for this course. My finances are tight now. This will make that harder. It is divided into 5 sections and there is no obligation beyond each section, so that is a plus. I can take the first one online, and I have the money for that one already.
The other thing is that a year ago, I considered this course during a period when I was really depressed and needed something to look forward to. I bought books off the reading list and planned to take both the first and second sections. I was so excited about it because I felt like I was finally serving my purpose. And then, the first section was canceled at the last minute and I had to cancel everything. I gave up at that point. Decided I wouldn't try again.
I think I want to do it, but that "I'm 56" keeps weaving through my thoughts along with worries about dying and wasted time.
Thanks for letting me talk this out. :-)
I finally made an appointment to see my therapist again, after a two-month break. That's tomorrow.
I've placed as a primary goal a change in jobs. No, not just a change in jobs, but a switch in careers. Not that what I have now is actually a career. But...I am 56 years old. And that, to me, feels ancient. Now mind you, I don't feel ancient. Not by any means. But when I think about how old I really am, and about how many years I've wasted, I feel old as the hills. All that wasted time was mostly because of my mental health issues, in a round about way, anyhow.
Oh, I have 3 degrees. But they are not in what I actually wanted to do. My Master's degree is in Creative Writing, which I love, and which I use - the writing, not the degree. But what I've always - since I was like 8 - wanted to do was work with animals. And so I found a program that will allow me to do that, after a small bit of study, in probably an independent way (which is really how I want to work). It might take me a year to complete (I would have to spread it out because I have NO money and it requires some travel), and there is no guarantee I could even complete it, but each unit on its own provides a wealth of information about interaction and care of animals.
So, why am I hesitating? Well, I will probably have to stay in my current job while I study for this one. I will need the vacation time I have accumulated to take off the 4 weekends required for the studies for this course. My finances are tight now. This will make that harder. It is divided into 5 sections and there is no obligation beyond each section, so that is a plus. I can take the first one online, and I have the money for that one already.
The other thing is that a year ago, I considered this course during a period when I was really depressed and needed something to look forward to. I bought books off the reading list and planned to take both the first and second sections. I was so excited about it because I felt like I was finally serving my purpose. And then, the first section was canceled at the last minute and I had to cancel everything. I gave up at that point. Decided I wouldn't try again.
I think I want to do it, but that "I'm 56" keeps weaving through my thoughts along with worries about dying and wasted time.
Thanks for letting me talk this out. :-)
