Sexual Assault Tea, consent, and the marriage bed

[Deleted member 541]

In my opinion, this whole post shouldn't be about is it rape or isn't it. It should be about ABUSE!!!! From what I'm reading you are in an extremely abusive relationship. This person has NO respect for you whatsoever. He has beaten you down emotionally, and mentally to the point that you do what he says hen he says it. This isn't a marriage or a relationship, it's ------- Fill in the blank... I can tell you something else... It sure as hell isnt HEALTHY!!!!!!!

 

[Deleted member 37474]

REALLY? If I can't say no and not expect the partner to be angry... THAT'S rape? Because,

You did what you had to do to survive on that night. To keep the peace. You were also "trained" by repeated gray areas. Are you trying to excuse him? Give him a pass? You are bonded to him. There is a whole article that I read about domestic violence and a sexual bond. It really f*cks up your thinking patterns. It is no different than the bizarre fantasy that I am capable of having about my sexual abuse experiences and the shame it brings. The physical body likes physical stuff that is psychologically f*cked up. (Probably why your T told you to re-read Body Keeps the Score)

You were mistreated on your anniversary. Your X is a sadistic asshole. He raped you. You didn't deserve that no matter how hard you try to convince yourself of it. This is creating a shit storm in your mind and I hope that we can all collectively shield you and dump its excrement on the one that deserves it, which is not you!

 

[Deadman]

Does guilting someone into it count as rape? coersion?

I'll be interested to see how others respond to this question. If it's true one way is it true the other way too?

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Deadman I think people will have their own opinion on this, but for me..... if I was guilted into it, then no it isn't rape. I may feel like shit after, feel guilty and try to blame him, but I gave in to the coercion....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

It should be about ABUSE!!!! From what I'm reading you are in an extremely abusive relationship.

Agreed and million times!!!

I'm confused though. Because of this comment:

I am looking into purchasing a gun AND learning how to use it properly and responsibly because:
1. I've heard great things about shooting guns at a range.
2. Honestly, I live alone, 20 minutes from the nearest police. I would like some way to defend myself.

Are you still with this man?

ETA: Cross post. Sorry

 

[desiderata310]

you are in an

WAS in. I'm dealing with the aftermath. Yes, I know the relationship WAS abusive. I KNOW that. I'm in an anniversary of something ugly and I'm dealing with the minutia and I'm trying desperately to suss through it.
I'm out of it. I'm dealing with the REST. And while I'm trying to suss this out for myself, I'm opening this up so that people can talk about how messy sex can really be in the relationship setting. I started the thread to give me a second to step back from it and talk more broadly so that I can go back into my own personal hell and figure this out.
..
ok...

I am NOT siding with Cosby but I'm trying to use an example here so that I'm not tempted to use my relationship only on this thread:

Right now we have a trial going on with Cosby and another woman that says that he was guilty of abuse. COSBY keeps going back to the idea that this was a RELATIONSHIP, implying that a certain level of understanding and a certain level of intimacy had been reached between the two prior that took things to a different level than say, two folks standing on a bus.

There are records showing calls to Cosby from this woman following the night in question. He used this to imply that everything was consensual. That things, starting from a certain level then escalated as expected.

So was it?

We can't say. As someone who's been through some shit my first knee jerk reaction is to say 'f*ck yeah, he's a dick-hole and he lured her in' But what if the truth is different?

These cases are expecting someone to collaborate the stories. But these are things that take place in private. No one else was watching. He said- she said.



To go back to the question of being coerced into doing something, I'll take a page from any new mom's book:
Tired, haven't have a decent night's sleep in weeks. Finally get the baby down to feel the amorous hand of her SO on her back. THE LAST THING that woman wants to do is have sex. BUT NOT doing it will leave her with a husband who feels rejected, will act out all week (etc)

OR let's shake up the gender thing altogether...

The lady is horny. Husband is a truck driver and just got off a long 2 day shift and it's 2 am. Feels his wife's hand on his thigh... She's going to pout (he knows it from past experience) and will feel rejected. HE feels the pressure to perform to make her happy.


I don't think in either case that's rape.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Sorry, a little humor here.... Cosby! Ok as UGLY as that f*cker is, can you really see all of these women falling at his feet and having sex with him??? Ok, that wasn't really humor at all.

No to the lady getting the kid down and the truck driver. Yes, we sometimes do things to avoid the risk of having a Shitty partner for the next few days. That's not rape by any means.... To me, that's just giving in for the 5 minutes it will take so I can move on and get some sleep......

 

[anonymous]

I'll only say it one more time. It. WAS. rape.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

There are records showing calls to Cosby from this woman following the night in question. He used this to imply that everything was consensual.

I still think of my abusers sexually. I still feel I was in love with my step dad.

Ok, outside of adult/child, I still called my ex afterwards and even went over there to "let him" have sex with me after I had left. Because people feel a connection with their abusers. But that doesn't erase the fact that it was abuse.

BUT NOT doing it will leave her with a husband who feels rejected, will act out all week (etc)

And? He feels rejected. He will get over it. She needs sleep.

She's going to pout (he knows it from past experience) and will feel rejected. HE feels the pressure to perform to make her happy.

Again, so? She will pout and feel rejected. She will get over it. He needs sleep.

It is not so complicated to me. I don't know if I am weird or what but its not complicated to me.

I don't think in either case that's rape.

If she or he said no and the other continued anyway, THAT is rape.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

WAS in. I'm dealing with the aftermath. Yes, I know the relationship WAS abusive. I KNOW that. I'...

Your last two examples... no different than your kid begging for take out. You say,"no, we have food at home". But then you give in and get take out. It is just easier. Or maybe the husband or wife gives sex as a gift to the other person's emotional and physical needs. Usually, we negotiate for a better time, but he is "Morning" and I am "night." That never seems to change. Andwhen you do give... sometimes you are satisfied afterwards, so.., who knows!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Your last two examples... no different than your kid begging for take out. You say,"no, we have food at home". But then you give in and get take out. It is just easier.

That's giving in and that I would not call rape. If she/he said "no, I need sleep" and the other forced by physical/mental/emotional/coersion, that is rape.

 

[anonymous]

Fact Sheet: Wife Rape

There's no such thing as a wife's 'duty' to have sex when she doesn't want to. It's rape.